


Seeking Pardon

by Lizaredlion



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adventure, Amnesia, Angst, Cas!whump, Fix-It, M/M, Post Season 6, Post-ep 7x01, Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-04
Updated: 2013-02-09
Packaged: 2017-11-20 07:05:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 56,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/582633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizaredlion/pseuds/Lizaredlion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Castiel returned the souls of Purgatory to it's rightful place something terrible stayed inside him and then it escapes from his body, becoming a dangerous threat to the world. Castiel will be again in Team Free Will to end this threat, and also the angel will seek the forgiveness of his friends for the mistakes he did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> COMMENTS AND REVIEWS ARE FOOD AND INSPIRATION FOR A WRITER. Please, if you like this story, take a little time to leave your opinion. Your words are very important to me. Thanks a lot!  
> The story will be updated every one or two weeks. If I update late sometimes is because I'm sick. I suffer from Crohn's disease, and that causes me a lot of troubles. But I will do my best effort to update the fanfic in time.  
> Thanks for your understanding.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victim of his own reckless mistakes, Castiel falls apart in Crowley’s former lair.

****

 

 

 

 

  


**Chapter 1: Prologue**

**Title:** Prologue

 **Author:** Lizaredlion

 **Characters/Pairings:** Light-Dean/Castiel, Sam, Bobby

 **Rating:** NC17

 **Word Count:** 1740

 **Warnings:** Violence, blood

 

 

 

 

 

_—**—_

_Bootback, Kansas, USA_

_May 20, 2011_

 

 

In the middle of the place that used to be one of the many lairs of the demon and king of Hell Crowley, the angel Castiel fell to the floor unceremoniously. 

After returning all the souls from Purgatory that he ate, the blue-eyed celestial couldn’t keep himself on his feet.   He was already too fragile before throwing the monster souls back into their rightful place, so now this procedure had done something worst than just weakening him.  It was causing an unbearable pain to his grace and body.  Castiel stayed in the floor and for one moment he thought he was seeing all the wrong things he had done since he started to work with the king of Hades until he opened Purgatory’s door and sucked all the power of the souls into himself and claimed he was the “new god”, only to end up bloody on the floor of Crowley’s lair, dying and trembling, in a lot of pain.

 

 

-Cas! –Dean Winchester exclaimed, calling the quivering angel on the ground.  The voice and face of the blonde and green-eyed young man were full of concern.  In a few seconds, the hunter and his father-figure and friend Bobby Singer were close to Castiel to check over him. 

At that same time, the tall and dark-haired younger brother of Dean, Sam Winchester, was in the room with them too.  He was sick and a little dazed due to the fact that not long before Cass had proclaimed himself as the “new god” he broke the protective wall in Sam’s brain which was put there to shield the young Winchester from his awful memories when he was in Hell being tortured by his inmates, the archangels Michael and Lucifer.  

However, when Sam saw Castiel’s body on the floor he couldn’t avoid being worried about the fallen angel.  Sam knew his celestial friend had tried to redeem himself for his mistakes.

Castiel was curling in fetal position, shaking and moaning with pain and desperation.  And then Dean saw it first: Cas was bleeding profusely from every orifice of his vessel. 

 

-Oh, my God. –said Bobby, with a terrified low voice –What’s wrong with him?

-I don’t know, Bobby. –whispered Dean, trying to put Castiel on his back with Sam’s and Bobby’s help.  Cas was resisting at first, but at the end he couldn’t fight the strength of the three hunters in his current state.

-Please… please, make it stop! –pleaded Castiel, with broken voice and his face filled with pain –It hurts! It hurts a lot! Please… make it go away!

-Cas, what’s wrong? –asked the blonde hunter, putting his hand on the angel’s shoulder –Tell me what’s going, buddy.

-It…it hurts, Dean. –replied Castiel in a whisper –It’s eating… my insides.

-What can we do to help you, Cas? Tell me!

-I don’t k-know… I… don’t know, Dean… I t-think… I think I’m d-dying.

-No, Cas.  You’re not going to die, you hear me? You’re not going to die, not on my watch, buddy!

-I’m… I’m s-sorry, Dean.

 

Castiel rolled his eyes to the back of his head and then his body started to convulse.   It was a wild and violent movement.  The hunters had to hold the angel down while they all could hear the creepy sounds of flesh and bones breaking inside Cas’s body.  The bleeding got worst, and an intense white light was now visible in his eyes, nose, ears and mouth.

And then it happened: Castiel’s body stopped moving and a brownish thick fog emerged from the angel’s orifices of his head, drowning the white light completely.  The fog was alive and it was moving slowly around the celestial, absorbing his blood into itself.  The angel was whimpering but he couldn’t move his own body. His cheeks were wet with his own vital red fluids and tears of pain.  Castiel didn’t know what was happening to him, but it scared him to death.  And in the middle of that anxiety, the helpless creature could only think in just one name:

 

 

_“Dean”_

 

 

He wanted to scream that name, to call his best friend’s attention, to tell him the secret about his feelings.  He wanted Dean to save him from the obscurity of that evil fog that was sucking his blood dry.

 

-What the hell is that thing? –asked Dean, with surprise and terror in his eyes.

-It looks like a… a living dark mist. –whispered Sam, his voice trembling with fear.

-Cas’ blood… that fucking thing is drinking his blood!

-I don’t know guys. –said Bobby, who was terrified just like his two boys –But I think we gotta move away from it.

-Yes, Bobby, I think we have to…

 

Dean couldn’t finish his sentence, because the brown fog threw itself over the three hunters, flying them all across the room until they fell violently on the floor.  Then the fog was in front of the trio, and it took the shape of two deformed heads, one of them was bigger than the other.  Then a scream sounded very loudly and the fog went away through one of the air ducts, escaping from the building.

Everything was in complete silence again; however, Cas’ weak voice was heard in the room a few more seconds later.  The angel started to talk in another language.  He sounded like he was begging for something.  Castiel’s desperate sapphire eyes were over Dean’s emerald ones.

 

-Cas…I can’t understand what you’re saying, buddy. –said Dean with a frantic whisper.  But the angel kept talking.   He was stuttering, begging and crying softly.

\- **_Olani londoh mahorela… Olani l-londoh ma-mahorela._**

-In English, Cas, please. –begged Dean.

- ** _Olani… l-londoh maho-mahorela…_**

-He’s speaking in Enochian. –said Sam, recognizing the strange language.

 

Castiel put one trembling hand over Dean’s chest and his voice and facial expression suddenly softened.  His eyes were too heavy for him and his breathing was more difficult.  He was entering into a peaceful darkness, but before that could happen, the angel managed to say something to the blonde hunter:

 

- ** _In monons amiran._**

 

And then, Castiel’s hand fell limply on Dean’s lap.   The angel closed his eyes and he stopped breathing.  If it wasn’t for all the blood and ugly wounds on his face and hands, one could say that the dark-haired heavenly creature was asleep.

 

 

 

-There’s no pulse. –said Bobby after putting the back of his hand on Castiel’s neck. 

-Check his heart. –said Sam, touching the angel’s wrists, hoping for a pulse that wasn’t there.

-His heart’s not beating. –Bobby spoke while his hand was on Castiel’s chest.

-And he’s not breathing either. – said the dark haired hunter, with sadness.

-It’s not fucking possible. –growled Dean, putting his hand in one of the dead celestial’s arms, squeezing it hardly.

-He’s dead, Dean. –there was sorrow in Bobby’s voice, just like in Sam’s face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dean’s eyes were full of grief for the friend he had just lost.  After all, even when Cas had betrayed his human friends and had made all those awful things as the “new god” when he had the Purgatory souls within his grace and flesh, Castiel tried to make amends at the end, returning the souls where they belonged.  And Dean couldn’t forget the fact that the troubled angel was one of the best friends he ever had. 

 

-Fuck it. –It was a whisper from the blonde man’s mouth.  It came out with a lot of pain and impotence.  Dean, Bobby and Sam were on their feet again, watching with sadness at the prone body of the unfortunate holy creature who was also their friend.

The older Winchester’s eyes were on Castiel’s bloody face while he was trying to hold his tears.  And his voice was almost broken…

 

-Stupid, dumb child.  Why did you do this to yourself, my friend?

 

It was a question without an answer.  Castiel would never open his mouth again to explain his actions that eventually lead him to his own demise.  His holy and reckless friend was gone forever.

The three men stayed there watching the corpse for a while, until Bobby spoke with a soft voice.

 

-He should have a hunter’s funeral.  No matter how many stupid things he did… he was part of this family.

-Yeah. –said Dean, with a monotonous voice. – We have to salt and burn Cas.

-I’ll carry him outside. –suggested Sam, but Dean refused immediately.

-No, Sam.  I will.

-Okay.

 

They stole a car, so they could take Castiel’s body to a field outside the limits of the town, close to a little forest.  They cleaned up Cas’ face and hands and then he was set in place to wait for his funeral.

Dean was close to the altar, watching his friend’s peaceful face with not just pain and sadness, but also with anger.

 

-This is my fault. –whispered Dean to the dead celestial creature –Angels are not supposed to have free will and feelings.  I thought you could handle it… but…in the end it was so confusing for you.  You were just a child in this world, buddy.  That’s why you needed our help.  Why didn’t you come to us for help, Cas?  Why were you so stupid? I know it’s my fault because I should have seen it coming.  Maybe I treated you like crap in all these past months.  Maybe I ignored all the signs.  Maybe I was mad at you and that’s why I ignored your own troubles.  You said you were in a war.  You had a lot of baggage on your shoulders… and with the Ninja Turtle Raphael and his douchebag allies behind your tail you must have been desperate.  You should have come to us for help.  Why did you go with Crowley?  Why did you do such a stupid thing, Cas?  I just… I wish…I wish I could have told you…told you that I…  Anyway…never mind.  I don’t even know if you… if you felt the same…  I wish… I wish it wouldn’t have ended this way.   Goodbye… Cas.

 

Castiel’s body was wrapped in a white sheet and then, after a few more minutes, the celestial’s remains were burning in front of the only three persons who attended to his funeral.  Cas was a warrior, a soldier, just like Dean, Sam and Bobby were, and that’s why he had the right to have a hunter’s funeral, just like the one his human friends would have someday eventually.

 

*****

 

****

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> COMMENTS AND REVIEWS ARE FOOD AND INSPIRATION FOR A WRITER. Please, if you like this story, take a little time to leave your opinion. Your words are very important to me. Thanks a lot!  
> The story will be updated every one or two weeks. If I update late sometimes is because I'm sick. I suffer from Crohn's disease, and that causes me a lot of troubles. But I will do my best effort to update the fanfic in time.  
> Thanks for your understanding.


	2. Sweet Child of Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death meets with an old friend.

**Chapter 2:** Sweet Child of Mine

 

 **Title:** Sweet Child of Mine

 **Author:** Lizaredlion

 **Characters/Pairings:** Chuck Shurley (God), Death, Castiel

 **Rating:** NC17

 **Word Count:** 2076

 **Warnings:** Religious matters

__

 

—**—

_Somewhere, in an unknown dimension._

_May 21, 2011_

 

-And here we are again, my friend. –said an older man in a dark suit who was thin as a skeleton, with straight and short black hair and black eyes.  The guy sounded bored as hell.  He was carrying a large burden in his arms which was covered by a black blanket. –How many times are we going to do this, Jeh?

-I have told you before that I hate that name, D. –answered smoothly a man who looked much younger than his companion, short sized, with dark, curly and messy hair, thick beard and light-blue eyes.  He was dressed in grey jeans, a brown t-shirt and a jacket of the same color.  The clothes looked old and a little dirty. –It’s Chuck.  How many times am I going to repeat that to you?

-“God” is a boring name for you?

-It’s pretty old.  I like changes.  That’s why I call you “D”.  “Death” seems to be a very vulgar denomination now.

-You’re the only one who calls me “D”.

-And you’re the only one who knows who I am and calls me “Chuck” from now on. 

-Okay, whatever… Now it’s Chuck. –Death said, humorlessly, taking a look to the burden in his arms – Very well, Chuck; I brought your winged boy as you asked me to. 

-Thanks, D. –Chuck said sincerely – Could you put him on the bed, please?

-What is this place anyway? –asked the older man, getting close to a small and clean bed where he carefully proceeded to put the burden he was carrying.  Then Chuck got close to the bed too. 

The light was very weak in the windowless room, with only a few candles giving little life to that depressing place.

 

-This is the room that used to be the refugee of a poor little kid who was the son of a strict soldier in Russia. –explained Chuck – He spent half of his somber childhood within these four walls.  He only had this bed, a little table and an old wardrobe as his belongings.  Sadly, he was raised as a soldier and he died as one.  He was too young to perish.

-Why do I have the idea that you relate the story of that unfortunate kid with the story of your own child?

-There are certain similar aspects in their stories, D.  That’s why I chose this room for him to rest.

-I still don´t understand why is this brat so important to you. –Death said bluntly while he was gently uncovering part of his burden’s body.  The head, naked chest, belly and arms of the motionless celestial creature under the dark blanket were exposed to the dim light of the room. –I took Castiel for the third time now, but you have asked me to return him to you _again_ because I sense that you want to send him back to Earth.  I guess three resurrections could scream how special he is to you.

-Castiel has been special to me since the moment he was born. –Chuck was caressing the dead angel’s hair and smiling softly, ignoring Death’s sarcasm – He was a simple and lonely little fledgling, always keeping a low profile.  Other angels were brighter than him, but they lacked something that not even Castiel knew he had at that time.  That “something” made him special to me.

-He is one of your youngest angels, isn’t he?

-He’s the youngest of them all, D.

-Young and reckless.   But even as special as you say Castiel is, he can’t keep himself out of troubles.  You can’t deny the fact that this angel has been a pain in my rear lately, Chuck.  Since Lucifer fell to the cage again, I was hoping that no other of your feathery children would bother me again.  But I was wrong.   

-I know, D, and I’m sorry about that.  Children are a pain in the rear sometimes.

-And Castiel is not the only one.   Your other son, that poor excuse of an older brother, is giving me a lot of problems too.

-Raphael.

-He’s supposed to be establishing order in Heaven, not scaring and killing his little siblings.  Now he ran away from the brother he used to bully the most because this brother became a bully himself.  I have reaped more angels this year than in the time when a few of your brats wanted to start the Apocalypse, Chuck.

-Yeah, it has been troubling.

-And now you’re going to send Castiel back again.  He has spat in the natural order’s metaphorical face two times already.  With this one it would be the third time he would do such thing.  I’m starting to think that Castiel is becoming a Winchester.  Those boys love to stomp over the natural order too.

-I can’t intervene much on this kind of situations.

-I guess you’re intervening enough, Chuck.

-Not as much as I would want it.  But I can’t disrupt free will.  However, I can do something about Castiel.

-And I believe your brat here needs a good and proper spanking.

-Perhaps –Chuck put one hand over his son’s lifeless heart, and his face grimaced –, but… I guess I’m not gonna have to put Castiel on my knees after all.

-Why? What is it?

-Check his chest. –suggested Chuck, while he was scratching his hairy chin with his free hand.

 

Death checked over Castiel’s thorax and abdomen meticulously during almost a minute until he frowned and shook his head.

 

-No wonder he died in such a lot of pain.  What’s left of his angelic essence is corrupted and so is his human body.

-The Purgatory souls left him stained.  Castiel already chose his punishment.  The stains are inside him and they will be very hard to bear.

-That’s what those filthy Purgatory souls can do to an angel’s pure essence.  You should have taught your fledglings to not play with garbage, my old friend.

-The damage is great. –continued Chuck, glossing over Death’s snide comment –  Castiel had the souls inside himself too much time and that’s why they harmed his vessel too.

-And let’s not forget about the two colossal individuals from “earth” and “water”. –Death said while he was delicately poking Castiel’s chest with his skeletal hands, finding several broken ribs under the bruised skin – They were the ones who almost ate Castiel alive before killing him.

His bones are broken in several parts of his body.  Don’t forget that those partners eat angels and they rip the bodies apart before eating them.

-I already know that, D. –said Chuck, with a disgusted face. –Those creatures are capable of anything.  They rip my child apart.

-But they didn’t eat him.  They just drank his blood, not all of it, but the enough amount to kill him.  If they missed a meal like that is because they wanted to send a message.

-Dark days are waiting for the world. –said God, with a cryptic voice.

-And my job will become a living hell again.  Those monarchs not only eat angels, but they also feed on human skin.

-Those things are utterly catastrophic.

-You created those things, my friend.

-Don’t remind me that, D.

-Well, at least your feathery brat was brave enough to take all the sorrow by himself, avoiding the host any suffering.

-I was worried that James Novak could suffer that torture too.  It’s painful enough to see one child suffering, but two of them…

-Don’t worry about it, Chuck.  The angel brat took it like a man.  I guess I could say your son is not a waste of time after all.  By the way, I already sent Castiel’s host to Heaven.

-James Novak is safe upstairs now, D, thank you.  Now this body is Castiel’s only.  It’s his flesh.

-Talking about bodies, I had to put a good illusion in the mind of the Winchesters and his friend Singer.  They thought your child’s body was burning in the funeral pyre.

-I thank you for that too, D.

-Now, what are you going to do with the brat?

-As you already know, I will put him back to life, but I also will clean the stains of his body and grace.

-You know that if you clean the stains _completely_ , you will cause irreversible damages to him, right Chuck?

-Yes. –affirmed the smaller man whose eyes were full of sadness –That’s because I have decided to clean the stains _partially_.

-You realize that if you do that your son is going to be in a lot of pain, don’t you?

-Yeah.

-Well… I’m not merciful at all, but I’ll be surprised if you’re not.  If I were you I would just let him rest for a few centuries until the stains fade for themselves.  It will avoid him a lot of suffering.

-I can’t do that, D.  He has a mission to accomplish.

-So, I assume you’re going to be cruel with your own child.

-Are you upset about it? –Chuck looked confused – I thought you didn’t like Castiel, D.

-And you’re right; I don’t like your brat. –confirmed the thin reaper, flatly – But with those stains torturing his essence and his body he will be desperate, and Castiel tends to do _very stupid_ things when he’s desperate.  I think we both know that, my deity friend.

-He won’t do anything stupid this time, Death. –God said while he was rolling his eyes– The stains will depowered him.

-In that case I believe I have one less burden to think about.  However, Castiel will have that huge problem with the monarchs and also with your other son Raphael.

-I thrust Castiel will take care of those issues.  That’ll be part of his punishment.

-He couldn’t handle Raphael before.  What makes you think he could handle him now?

-Because now he will have _good_ help, D.

-And the monarchs?  Do you really think little Castiel could deal with that kind of destructive force?

-I know he will, Death. –Chuck’s face was completely serious now.

 

Chuck put two fingers over Cas’ forehead, and then the angel stirred and moaned lightly.  He opened his eyes but these were unfocused.   He began to move his head, arms and legs weakly and erratically.

 

-The miracle of life. –murmured Death, a little amused at the sight of the desperate behavior of the recently resurrected angel.

-Before you go, could you help me to hold my son for a while, D? –asked Chuck politely –He needs to be calm during the cleaning procedure.

-I knew you were going to ask me that. –the leader of the reapers sighed and rolled his eyes.

-You know me, old friend.

-Okay… but after that you will owe me a bag of pickle chips.

-Deal.

 

Death put his two hands on each of Castiel’s shoulders, and the confused celestial flinched and his cries were more uneasy now.

 

-Now Castiel, I need you to try to stay calm. –said D in a smooth tone.  Suddenly the angel’s whimpers and his erratic movements ceased, and now he had his scared blue eyes focused on Death’s –I will try to ease some of your pain, but you have to do what I say.  So, keep yourself as still as you can. 

 

Chuck put his hand in the center of Cas’ naked chest, and his son started to moan again, but he wasn’t moving too much.  The angel’s look became unfocused again, and there were tears in his eyes.

 

-Castiel will have a chance to atone for his crimes. –said Chuck, wiping his son’s tears with the thumb of his free hand –He will have a hard time, but I know my son.  He’s strong, and no matter what kind of pain he’ll have to endure, he’s going to make it at the end.  He will have the love of those who care about him.

-Do you think the Winchesters are going to forgive a traitor that easily?

-I don’t think they will forgive him right away, especially Dean. –the deity looked with sadness at Castiel’s desperate eyes.  Chuck had his hand on his son’s belly now, while the angel was whimpering softly. –But I have the feeling that eventually they will forgive him.

-Your faith is astounding, Chuck. –said Death in that same flat tone of voice of his.

-I have faith in my children, D. –God smiled at Castiel, with a lot of affection in his eyes.

 

 

*****

 


	3. The Indigent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Now you’re a new person. You can be whatever you want. Maybe you could be better than the person you were before.

**Chapter 3: The Indigent**

**Title:** The Indigent

 **Author:** Lizaredlion

 **Characters/Pairings:** Castiel, Original Characters, Meg.

 **Rating:** NC17—M

 **Word Count:** 3856

 **Warnings:** Violence, blood, mentions of drugs, language, eroticism, sexual themes

 

 

 **—** ** **—**

 

 

_Little River, Illinois_

_80 kilometers outside Chicago_

_May 22, 2011_

 

The first thing that Castiel felt when he woke up was the cold wind on his skin.  He was quivering as he realized that he was completely naked.

The angel was scared to death and he had no idea of what he was doing in the banks of a river or why he was unclothed.  Even more terrible was the fact that he didn’t know exactly who he was.  There were certain things that came to his head in pieces, such as his name and a few other names and faces, but he didn’t know exactly who those people were or what was the link that he had with them.

But the coldness on his skin was a more immediate problem for him.  So, Castiel started to walk, following the path of the river, hoping it will lead him to some house where someone could lend him a few clothes to protect himself from the cold.

 

 

—**—

_Chicago, Illinois_

_5 months later_

_October 4, 2011_

 

A young ebony-skinned 16-year-old boy was walking in one of the streets of the south of Chicago, with a cigarette in between his fingers.  Crossing the street, sitting in a building’s door he saw a pale thin man with short dark hair and a thick beard.

 

-Hey Cas! –yelled the boy happily –Just the man I was looking for!

-Hello Emil. –answered the angel, with a soft smile.

 

Castiel was in poor conditions.  His hair and clothes were filthy and he looked malnourished and his eyes were a little sunken.

He was washing his hands with a bottle of water.

 

-What are you doing, Cas? –asked the kid, offering his cigarette to the celestial.  He denied the offering with a polite smile.

-I need to have my hands and my face clean. –said Castiel, rubbing his hairy jaw with his wet hand.

-Yeah, sure. –the kid rolled his eyes – Hey Cas, have you been thinking about the party?

-Party? –the angel seemed confused.

-Yeah, the party! Remember what Carlos told us a couple of days back?

-Oh. –expressed Castiel, showing no emotion at all.  Obviously the idea was not appealing to him – The one at Carlos’ house.

-Yeah, that one!

-It’s a teens’ party, Emil. –Cas said with a serious face.

-So what?

-It’s obvious that I’m not a teen.

-Nobody’s gonna sue you for that, Cas! –said Emil, exasperated.

-A grown man in a kid’s party is synonym of a pervert searching for victims.

-Who told you that? –Emil asked, with a disturbed expression.

-Jenny.

-Jenny? The girl who works in the church?

-Yes.

-I can’t believe this. –said Emil, laughing bitterly –She’s crazy, Cas!  You can’t believe what she says, man!

-You said that because you hate her.

-She hates me too, Cas.  She can’t accept that I’m your friend.

-Did she tell you that?

-She doesn’t have to tell me anything.  I can sense her jealousy from a mile away.

-Jealousy?

-She likes you, Cas.  I don’t know why but you’re always haunted by crazy women.  Four months ago was that prostitute from the Godfather’s whorehouse.  She was planning to tie you to the bed and give you a whipping on your butt.  And then it was the other one, the wacko nurse from the clinic.  She said that you have beautiful chest or some idiocy like that.  She said that it would be interesting to stick a needle in your nipples while you’re having sex.  And now it’s Jenny.

-Jenny is a very smart person.  I don’t see her as a crazy girl.

-Don’t tell me you like her. –Emil said, with a bitchface.

-No, Emil, I don’t like her... at least not in a romantic way.  I like her as a friend.

-You can have her as a friend if you want, but you can’t believe every stupidity that she says.

-What she says about the perverts is truth, Emil.  A great percentage of molesters are found in kid’s parties.  I read it in a book.

-Man, sometimes I think you’re weird. –Emil sighed, shaking his head – You speak like one of those old ladies from the morning talk shows.

-What’s a talk show? –Castiel asked, not very interested in the matter because he had started to play with his empty water bottle, throwing it up and then catching it.

-It’s just a boring thing that it’s in your TV every morning.  They are shows for lazy housewives and unemployed husbands.

-That sounds… tedious.

-Whatever.  So, are you coming with me?

-I told you –said Castiel, suddenly stopping his silly game with the water bottle – I will be a...—

-“A grown man in a kids’ party” –Emil rolled his eyes and repeated what his friend had said before, imitating terribly the angel’s voice –I know what you said, Cas.  C’mon, man; we’re gonna smoke a lot of pot in that party!

-I don’t like weed. –the angel sounded a little irritated.

-Liar.  –Emil pushed Castiel’s shoulder gently – I saw you smoking it the other day.

-I was trying to take something to avoid the cold.

-Weed doesn’t help you with the cold

-I know.  It was Carlos who fooled me with that thing. 

-And what did you do then?

-I tried to look for something that could help me with the coldness, but so far, the only thing I got was a few pills.

-You took them?

-Yes, but they gave me a big headache next day.  I don’t understand why people get addicted to those drugs.  The effects at the next day are horrible.

-Some of us do it because is cool.

-What does the cool weather have to do with the drugs?

-No, man! –the kid rolled his eyes –I don’t mean “cool” as in cool, but in other way.

-Yes?

-It means “great”, Cas.   Seriously man, you have been in these streets for five months since you woke up with amnesia and you still don’t know all about popular language.

-Because it is not necessary. –Castiel said, sounding annoyed – And I believe that drugs are not great.

-You’re boring.

-I just hope you’re not still using that white powder you were snorting last month, Emil.

-You told me I shouldn’t do that and I’m not doing it, Cas.  I obeyed you.  You gave me a good advice.

-I hope someday you stop smoking pot too.

-How could I have fun then?

-You don’t need pot to have fun. 

-Okay, Cas, can we talk about this later? –said Emil with a tiresome tone –Let’s talk about our important matter.

-And that is…?

-Carlos’ party!  Geez, Cas!

-Oh… yes.  But I already said I won’t go there.

-There will be free cheeseburgers, Cas.

-Really? – suddenly, Castiel seemed enthusiastic about that idea.  One of the things he discovered about himself was that he liked cheeseburgers.

-Yeah, brother! –the kid smiled triumphant.

 

However, when Cas heard the way Emil had called him, something snapped in his head.  It was an odd feeling that made his head ache, and in his mind he heard a man that was talking to him in a soft and soothing voice:

 

_“Your wings are special, brother. I think no angel in Heaven has better wings than yours.”_

 

-Are you okay, Cas? –said Emil with worry, interrupting Castiel’s thoughts.

-Eh… yeah… yeah, I’m fine. –replied Cas, sounding insecure.

-You are? Because you were grabbing your head as if it was gonna explode or something.

-It’s a… it’s a little headache.  It is not of import.

-Really man, your way of speaking is really archaic.

-I’m not very old.

-But you talk like an old man.

-You’re always criticizing me, Emil. –Castiel smiled lightly.

-I do it because I like you, man.  I want you to be better than you are now.  You’re my best friend; well, a little weird but a friend anyway.

-Criticizing me is a sign of good friendship? –Castiel asked curiously.

-Well… yes.  If I criticize you with a good intention, yes it is.  For example, I always bother you because you act as if you have a stick up your ass.

-But I don’t have a stick in my ass, Emil.

-It’s a figure of speech, Cas.

-Oh… okay.

-Well, what I was saying is that I want you to be more relaxed, you know.  It’d be great if you’d quit the robot personality.

-I’m not a robot.

-You act like a robot.

-Honestly, sometimes I don’t understand you, Emil. –said Castiel, shaking his head lightly.

-That’s because you’re stubborn, Cas.  I’m right and you know it.

-You’re very sure of yourself, little one.

-Because I’m right, man! –Emil was smiling broadly.

-As you wish. –Castiel felt defeated in the argument – So, I see you tonight?

-Yes, and be early or those idiots will eat all the cheeseburgers.

-I’ll be there! –Castiel waved to his friend and then he walked away.

 

 

—**—

 

 The angel was staring the outer wall of a small church, filled with graffiti.  He couldn’t understand where the fun in making such strange symbols with paintings was.

 

-Hello Castiel. –said a priest that was standing by the door of the church –What are you doing, son?

-Hello, father. –saluted Cas politely.

-I’ve been told that you’re not going to the clinic lately.  –the priest looked concerned –  You know that your health should be a priority, Castiel.

-I’m not sick, father. –replied Castiel, flatly.

-The doctor there told me that you have a problem in your stomach.

-It’s nothing. –Castiel avoided the priest’s eyes –  It’s just a little pain, sometimes it bothers me, but it is not a big deal.

-It’s not just your stomach, Castiel.  The doctor says you’re too thin for your size, son.

-That’s because sometimes it’s difficult to find food.

-Have you tried to find a job?

-I’ve tried, father.  Nobody wants to hire me.

-Why not?

-They say I’m crazy.

-Why do they say that?

-Because they know I always talk about the black-eyed people.

-The black-eyed people? –parroted the priest with a confused face –Who are those?

-Forget it, father. –whispered Castiel, realizing he had done a mistake by telling the priest about that subject.

-Castiel. –the priest called the angel’s attention –Inventing those kinds of stories is not going to do much good to you.

-They are not stories, father! – exclaimed the celestial, with a hint of anger in his voice –They are real!  The black-eyed people are monsters.  I’ve seen them attacking other people! 

-Castiel... –the priest was a little frightened with the angel’s sudden anger abscess and Cas noted this right away.  The celestial made an effort to calm himself down, so when he spoke again he did it with a soft voice. 

-I know you don’t believe me, father.

-Who’s going to believe something like that? –asked the priest, his tone was apprehensive – It’s a crazy story, son.

-Do…Do you think I’m crazy? –Castiel asked with worry. 

-I think you need help, Castiel.

-Help?

-In your condition it’s dangerous that you’re out here wandering alone.  I know a hospital that specializes on things like that.

-A hospital for crazy people?

-It’s a sanatorium, Castiel.  You could get help there.  The doctors can help you eliminate those hallucinations you have.

-Thank you, father; but I don’t need any help. –Castiel said, dryly –I know how to take care of myself.  Excuse me. 

 

The angel got away from the church in a heartbeat while the priest was looking at him with a sad face, shaking his head.

 

 

 

—**—

 

 

Under the pale light of the moon, Cas was seating on a bench, eating a cheeseburger and watching the noisy people that was in the house in front of him.

 

-Hi, Castiel. –said a feminine voice.  It was an 18-year-old girl with long brown hair and grey eyes.  She seated beside the angel, looking at his clothes with pity.

-Hi, Jenny. –Castiel replied, keeping his attention to the cheeseburger he was devouring.

-I see you came to this party. –Jenny said, watching with despair at the people in the house in front of them.

-Don’t worry, Jenny; I’m not a pervert. –Castiel was sucking his filthy tomato sauce-stained fingers – I’m sure of it.

-Who says you’re a pervert? –Jenny asked, disgruntled.

-You did. –the laconic celestial answered, looking at his own fingers.

-Castiel… I didn’t… I just told you about statistics. I wasn’t trying to say that you’re a pervert.

-But I’m a grown man in a kid’s party.

-Yeah, but there are a few exceptions.

-Then why did you tell me about those statistics?  There must be a reason.

-Look Castiel, the truth is I didn’t want you to come here tonight.

-Why? –Castiel’s blue eyes reflected the concern behind them.

-Because this place is full of idiots, thieves and drug addicts.  It’s not a good place for you.  I like the way you are and I don’t want you to change in a place like this, with these junkie dicks.

-And how do you think I am?

-You’re new, Castiel. –the girl was now looking at the angel as if he was the second coming of Christ. –You’re new to this world.

-I lost my memory. –whispered the celestial, unconsciously touching his lower lip softly, with his index finger.

-Exactly.  You lost it.  Now you’re a new person.  You can be whatever you want.  Maybe you could be better than the person you were before.

-But I don’t know what I used to be before losing my memories.

-You don’t have to know.

-But I want to know, Jenny.  It’s important to me.

-Why is it important?

-Because it was my life.

-What if you had a bad life? What if this is a second chance to live in another way than before?

-I don’t know.  I can’t be sure of anything now; but I... I am sure of one thing.

-What is it?

-My heart is incomplete.

-Meaning?

-It’s like… some part of me is missing.  That part is not here, and I need it to fill my heart with it.

-And what do you think this part of your heart is?

-I’m not sure… but I believe it’s a person.

-Like a twin soul?

-Maybe… something like that.

 

The girl was opening her mouth to say another thing but she was interrupted by a sharp scream that came from a few blocks away.

 

-What is that? –asked Castiel and then he got up from the bench and walked slowly to the place where the scream had came from.

-Castiel, don’t go there! –yelled Jenny, upset.

-I have to see what’s going on. – replied the angel –Someone could be hurt there.

 

Jenny decided to follow her friend closely until they got to a lonely street where a group of ten people were kicking a boy on the floor.  Horrified, Castiel recognized the young victim as his best friend Emil.

When the kid saw that Castiel was close to them he started to scream desperately at the angel.

 

-CAS, RUN, GET OUT OF HERE!!!

-Shut your trap, imbecile! –exclaimed one of the attackers, a guy with long blonde hair, very tall and muscular, giving Emil a cruel kick on his ribs.  Then, that same man turned to look at the celestial, showing his black eyes to him.

 

-The black-eyed people…

-Castiel, we have to go. –said Jenny, taking the angel’s arm and pulling him to escape.  They were just one block away from the attackers.

-The black-eyed people! –Castiel was terrified but refused to runaway with Jenny.

-Castiel, let’s go!

-They’re going to kill Emil!

-We can’t help him, Castiel! Come on!!

-GO AWAY CAS!! –Emil’s screams got to Castiel’s core.  The angel felt a knot in his throat and his eyes were stinging – GET OUT OF HERE, BUDDY!! THESE MONSTERS WANNA KILL YOU!!

 

Then everything happened so fast before the angel’s eyes.  The guy that had kicked Emil was armed with a knife one of his partners gave to him, and with that same weapon the muscular man sliced the boy’s throat as if it was butter.

Castiel was shocked. He couldn’t scream, even when that’s what he wanted to do so badly.  His best friend was dead on the street, lying on a pool of his own blood that came from his sliced neck, and Cas couldn’t do anything to save the boy.

 

-Get out of here, Castiel, I’ll stop them!! –Jenny was yelling at the angel and he was listening but didn’t look at her.  Castiel thought that the idea of the girl facing those black-eyed monsters was impossible and stupid, however, the angel couldn’t argue about it, not at that moment.  His mind was not in the right place after what he had witnessed, so he just kept staring at his best friend’s bloody body for a few more seconds.  A tear trailed down Castiel’s cheek.  His lower lip, his hands and legs were trembling.  Pure terror invaded the senses of the holy creature and in that moment his survival instinct reacted and made him turn around and run from that place, while Jenny stayed behind, facing the attackers.

The man who had murdered Emil stepped in front of Jenny and she put his eyes firmly on him.

 

-Don’t intervene in this, witch. –said the demonic being, with a serious expression, but he seemed a little fearful of the girl –This is none of your concern.

-The angel is mine, demon. –Jenny cast a threatening look to her opponent as he waved his right hand, making a sign to his partners.  The demons ran to other directions and disappeared, leaving Jenny and Emil’s killer alone in the bloody street.

 

—**—

 

Castiel ran as fast as he could, but then he was stopped. The angel couldn’t control his feet and fell to the floor.  There was something in the ground that was making it slippery.

 

-Hello Clarence. –said a woman who appeared in front of the fallen celestial.  She was young and svelte, with long dark hair and brown eyes.  She had a snarky smile on her face   –I’m sorry about the floor.  I poured liquid soap on it. I needed to stop your marathon.

-Who are you?! –exclaimed Castiel with a trembling voice.

-I'm Meg. –said her, staring at the scared angel.

-You are one of them! – snapped Castiel –You are one of the black-eyed monsters! You killed my friend!

-That wasn’t me, Clarence; and I’m not with those clowns that are after you. – the demon rolled her eyes, irritated – They want to capture you, but I’m here to help you.

-Help me? Monsters don’t help people! –Castiel sounded furious, in spite of his fear.

-You know, even without a memory you’re still an arrogant dick.  You always believing that you’re superior to those who aren’t like you.

-What are you talking about? –Castiel was dragging himself on his ass, trying to get away from the demon.

-I guess it’s not your fault. –she ignored the angel’s question and kept talking – Growing up with a bunch of self-righteous dicks for eons could do a number on you.

-Leave me alone!

-Keep dragging your beautiful ass on the floor, Clarence.  You won’t go too far.

 

Castiel’s back finally reached a hard wall.  The angel was trapped. His only hope was to attack the demon and then runaway, and in a few seconds he tried to do so.  However, his attempt to escape was short-lived.  The demon punched the desperate angel in the stomach and Castiel fell to the floor again, gasping for air.  He curled himself into a ball in fetal position, trembling heavily.

.

-You will be out for a few hours. –said the demon while she approached Cas’ body and touched the angel’s neck gently. The demon smiled and hummed when she felt Castiel’s skin.  It was very soft, almost like a girl’s.

Castiel perceived a light kiss on his neck and then a tongue licking and sucking the flesh in his pulse point. 

 

-You’re beautiful, Clarence. –whispered the Meg.  She kept all her attention in the neck of the dazed angel. –This is delicious; your strong pulse beating under my mouth and tongue.  I can almost feel your blood running in your veins and arteries.

 

Castiel felt his cock getting hard slowly; awake by the touch in his neck.  The stimulation the demon was giving to that delicate part of his body aroused him against his will.  After a few seconds, one of the demon’s hands went lower, getting under Castiel sweater to get to his nipples.  She pet one of his erect little tits on the tip and Castiel winced at the touch.

 

Nevertheless, something happened abruptly in the mind of the angel, disconnecting his body from all the outer stimulation.   Everything was blurred in front of his eyes and then the scenery changed.  He wasn’t in the slippery alley anymore.  He was in a big establishment, where he could see several damaged cars.  A few steps away from him he saw himself talking to a tall young man with dark blonde hair and green eyes.  The face of that man made Cas’ heart jumped in happiness, but the angel didn’t know why his body reacted in that way.  However, the memory displaying in the celestial’s head was about an argument where both men seemed upset.  Suddenly, Castiel’s joy was evaporated and now he felt uneasy...

 

_-I thought you said that we were like family. Well, I think that too. Shouldn’t trust run both ways? –said Castiel in the memory.  He was wearing a black suit covered by a beige trench coat.  Physically he looked clean and well cared, but his eyes reflected pure abandonment and impotence inside his core._

_-Cas, I just can’t –answered the green-eyed man.  He looked angered and sad._

_-Dean, I do everything that you ask, I always come when you call, and I am your friend. Still, despite your lack of faith in me and now your threats, I just saved you, yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you? All I ask is this one thing. –the angel took the man’s hands in his own and squeezed them lightly, caressing the rough skin with his thumbs._

_-Cas... don’t do this. –whispered Dean, keeping his voice steady._

_-Please... this is all I ask, Dean._

_In that moment, Dean let go of Cas’ hands and stared into the angel’s blue eyes.  Dean’s anger grew more, but his eyes were watery, just like the angel’s._

 

-Easy, Clarence. –said Meg’s voice, interrupting Castiel’s memories.  She wasn’t touching his chest anymore, but she had the tips or her fingers touching his neck.  She was searching for something there –You’ll have a few hours to see your terrible nightmares in your pretty little head

 

Without any clear warning, Cas felt a needle piercing the fragile flesh of his neck and in a few more seconds he was seeing all dark.  Castiel tried to stay awake but his attempts were useless.   His body felt so heavy and painless.  And then, in a few more seconds he knew no more.

 

*****

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Memories and Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I wonder if you’re real, Dean”

**Title:** Memories and Nightmares

 **Author:** Lizaredlion

 **Characters/Pairings:** pre-Dean/Castiel, Sam, Bobby, Death, Chuck (God), Michael, Gabriel, Balthazar, Anna, Raphael.

 **Rating:** NC17—M

 **Word Count:** 5637

 **Warnings:** Violence, gore, blood, language.

 

 **ESPECIAL NOTE:** The parts written in **BLACK** are words or phrases written in another language, and their translation will be right beside them.

 

 

 

 **—** ** **—**

 

_Sioux Falls, South Dakota_

_October 5, 2011_

 

 

After Cas’ death, Dean Winchester had to deal with the loss of his best friend and also the person who he secretly was in loved with.  He never dared to tell this to anyone, not even Sam. 

In his teen years he had a couple of relationships with men, both of them from the school, but none of them worked out.  Since then, Dean decided to become completely heterosexual; but who can fool its own instincts?

However, there was something else that made Dean feel attracted to Castiel.  It wasn’t just the fact that he was a handsome fellow, or because he wanted to be in bed with him.  The reason was because of Cas’ personality and that odd bond that the angel said they both shared.

However, Dean didn’t find out if the angel felt the same for him, and in his current situation he knew he never would.

 

-How’s him, Sam? –asked Bobby to the younger Winchester, watching Dean through the window.  Dean was outside, standing behind the impala, with a beer in his hand.

-It’s been difficult, Bobby.  I knew it was gonna be hard for Dean to lose his best friend, but I didn’t know it would be _very_ hard.

-That’s ‘cause you didn’t know how your brother felt about the angel.

-I wasn’t sure, but it’s not as if I didn’t suspect it at all.

-You knew?

-I’m telling you, I suspected it.  It wasn’t that hard now that I think about it.  The way they always stared at each other’s eyes, the way Cas looked at Dean when he wasn’t paying attention, and the same from my brother to Cas.  Dean and Cas shared a “profound bond”.  I remember Castiel telling me this when I was soulless.  They were connected to each other.

-But your brother lost that connection.  I can only imagine how he must be feeling now.

-He misses Cas, a lot.  He’s sad almost all the time.  But when I want him to talk to me about it, he denies his feelings and he says he’s okay.

-That’s our Dean.  He’s always denying his own feelings.  At least he doesn’t even suspects that we know about his feelings for Feathers.

-The first two months were hell for him, Bobby. –Sam said with a sad expression –  He used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming Cas’ name.  Now it seems like he’s trying to hide this feelings. 

-Hiding himself is not gonna help him at all.

-Tell that to Dean.  He’s the king of denial.

 

 

—**—

 

Besides the pain of losing Castiel, Dean had to deal with another big problem that was related to the terrible actions made by his celestial friend before his tragic demise: By breaking Sam’s wall, Castiel had left the younger Winchester on a hard road.  He was hallucinating with Lucifer on a daily basis, and even when he knew the archangel’s presence wasn’t real, sometimes he’d feel so overwhelmed by Hell’s memories and he wouldn’t know what to believe at those awful moments.  Those were the times when the panic attacks and seizures would appear, causing a lot of psych pain to Sam, and worrying Dean so much.

 

-I’m okay, Dean. –said Sam for the thousandth time that afternoon to his older brother, whose face was filled with a lot of concern.

-Define “okay”. –said the blonde Winchester without taking his green eyes off of his brother’s hazel ones.

-My hallucinations and nightmares are less now than they were since my wall was broken.

-Bull!

-I mean it, Dean.  It’s the truth.

-You don’t expect me to believe that crap, Sammy.

-I just don’t want you to be worried about me 24/7, Dean.

-Then what am I supposed to do, Sam? Letting you scream at nights as if nothing happens?

-It doesn’t happen every night now.

-Yeah, right. –sarcasm was clear in Dean’s voice –Not even yourself could buy that crap you’re selling, Sammy…

-For the love of God! –exclaimed Bobby, who just have entered in the living room of his house –Are you gonna keep arguing with each other like an old married couple?

-This is a serious issue, Bobby! –replied Dean in a husky voice.  Sam rolled his eyes then.

-A serious issue that won’t be solved just because you two idjits spend half of the day arguing about it!

-I’m just saying that Dean has a lot on his mind right now, Bobby.  I don’t want to be another problem for him.

-A lot on my mind? –asked Dean, upset – What do you mean with that, Sammy?

-I mean about Cas and all...

-Okay, that’s it, Sam.  The conversation is over.

-Dean...

-No, Sam! –Dean snapped –I don’t wanna talk about it, okay? Cas is dead and he’s never coming back, so I don’t want to talk about that subject anymore!

-Why do you always have to do this? –said Sam, annoyed –Why do you always have to hide your feelings, Dean?

-You know what? I’m not a chick, Sam!  If you wanna be a chick, that’s good for you, but I won’t do that!  I’m out of here.

 

Dean walked to the door in record time and went outside, leaving Sam with his annoyance and Bobby shaking his head.

The blonde hunter got in his car and closed his eyes, resting on the driver’s seat.

 

-Cas. –said Dean to himself, thinking about the face of the angel.  He remembered when he was in a bench in a colorful park in October, talking to the celestial whose face was invaded by concern:

 

_“Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul?”_

_“Okay”_

_“I’m not a… hammer as you say, I have questions, I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore, whether you passed or failed here. But in the coming months you will have more decisions to make, I don’t envy the weight that’s on your shoulders, Dean. I truly don’t.”_

-Castiel... you had your own weight on your shoulders too, buddy. – whispered the hunter, with sadness –You thought you could do all by yourself.  You needed help, you stupid son of a bitch.  If you only could listen to me now... I would still pray to you, but... you’re dead.  You won’t listen anymore.

 

 

—**—

 

_Pontiac, Illinois_

 

Castiel could see nothing, he was in complete darkness.  He couldn’t feel his body either.  He thought he was dead.  There was no pain, no lights, nothing; just complete and utter darkness.  He thought that if this was death maybe it wasn’t so bad.  After all, this was better than a torturous afterlife in Hell, burning in a river of lava, as he had heard how Hell was in one of those classes in Sunday school when he was hiding in one of the church’s classroom closets.  He used to sleep inside those little spaces until the priest found him one day.  Castiel thought the father would through him out of the church right away, but instead he offered breakfast and clean clothes to the angel. 

_“I can give you the help you need, Castiel.  You’re not alone.  I know you don’t trust many people, but you can trust me.  I’m a man of God, and I’m here to help people as much as I can, and you’re one of them, son.”_

Suddenly, the priest’s face started to change.  It morphed in the face of a teenager of ebony skin and shining smile.

 

_“I want you to be better than you are now.  You’re my best friend; well, a little weird but a friend anyway.”_

Seeing Emil’s face was painful for Castiel.  He remembered the way the kid had died.  He remembered Emil’s screams telling the angel to escape from that place.  The unfortunate teen had tried to protect Cas from the demons, and perished for it.

 

And then Emil morphed to another person.  It was the same tall man with dark blonde hair and green eyes that he saw when the demon Meg trapped him in the slippery alley.  He was in a house whose windows had odd symbols painted in red color.  The house was dark, in the middle of the night.  The green-eyed man looked upset.

 

_“I'm saying ‘don't’ just because. I'm **asking** you not to.  That’s it.”_

 

Castiel couldn’t remember why that man called “Dean” was so upset with him. Did he hurt that man in some way?

 

_“Next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family, and you are like a brother to me, so if I'm asking you not to do something…You gotta trust me, man.”_

 

-He cared about me. –said Castiel in his mind –I was part of his family.  What happened then? Why was I abandoned?

 

As an answer to his doubts, Castiel could hear his own voice in that memory, replying to what Dean was saying.  He saw himself again, with that same black suit and beige trench coat that he had wore in that other memory where he was arguing with Dean.

 

_“Or what?”_

 

The Castiel of the memory had a smooth voice when he spoke, but his eyes revealed something else.  His eyes reflected a combination of feelings: Sadness, anger, confusion, impotence, disappointment.

 

_“Then I'll have to do what I have to do to stop you”_

 

Dean’s voice was firm, but his eyes were just like Castiel’s: A combination of torturous feelings, and both men in the memory weren’t willing to communicate those feeling to each other.  Now Dean was threatening Castiel.  He said he was going to “stop him”.  Did that mean he was going to kill him?

 

_“You can't, Dean.  You’re just a man. I'm an angel.”_

 

-“Angel”? –asked Castiel to himself, very confused –What did I mean with “angel”?

_“I don't know. I've taken some pretty big fish.”_

 

Dean said this flatly.  He was resolute in his decision. 

 

_“I'm sorry, Dean.”_

 

The scenario in front of Castiel started to change, his other self disappeared first and then it was Dean, but while both men were vanishing, Castiel could hear the hunter’s voice again.

 

_“Well, I'm sorry, too, then.”_

 

Everything went silent and dark again.  Castiel stayed standing in one place, even when he wasn’t sure that he was standing over a floor at all, but he was not eager to discover the truth in that moment. 

However, in the middle of that obscurity, the angel heard a voice calling his name.

 

_“Castiel”_

-Who are you? –asked the celestial to that voice.  It was a voice that sounded like a macabre whisper.  A voice that was very deep but also had a high pitched tone at the same time.

 

_“I am the one that this world does not understand.  I am the one that humans do not understand.  I am the one that angels do not understand.  I am the one that demons do not understand.  I am the one that not even the almighty God can understand.”_

-Why are you talking to me?

 

_“Because you are mine, Castiel.  Because I know you.  Because you are my prize, my complete freedom, my all.”_

-But I don’t know you! –Castiel exclaimed, a little fearful –How could you know me if I don’t even know who you are?

 

_“You know who I am, Castiel.  You just do not remember.  Your brain is hurt.  But in time you will remember me.  You will know that I am one, but also I am two.”_

 

-I... I don’t understand...

 

_“You remember the hunter called Dean, do you?”_

 

-Hunter?

 

_“The hunter of all things which are not human.  He is the killer of all creatures that he considers as ‘monsters’.   He is the murderer of things such as you, Castiel.”_

-Me?

 

_“You will see.  You will remember...”_

Castiel couldn’t understand the riddles of the thing that was talking to him, but when he was about to ask again about it, the odd voice disappeared and instead he heard Dean speaking again, but this time he didn’t sounded angered.  Now he was only sad.  The pain and sorrow in the voice was noticeable.

The angel could hear the green-eyed man speaking, but he couldn’t see his face.

 

_“Castiel... you had your own weight on your shoulders too, buddy.  You thought you could do all by yourself.  You needed help, you stupid son of a bitch.  If you only could listen to me now... I would still pray to you, but... you’re dead.  You won’t listen anymore.”_

 

-Wake up, princess! –said a different and loud voice in Castiel’s head, interrupting and drowning Dean’s voice.  After a few seconds the angel realized that such impertinent and noisy man speaking was not really inside his brain. –C’mon, time to go, pretty boy.

 

Castiel was sitting in the passenger seat of a truck, with a dark handbag over his legs.  The driver was a rough-looking guy, with long blonde and dirty hair, thick beard and mustache and pale blue eyes.  He was dressed with clothes that were as dirty as his hair.  The guy had bad breath, and every time he moved his arms a very repulsive smell was coming from his armpits.

 

-Who are you? –asked Castiel, trying to dissimulate his discomfort because of the bad odor –What am I doing here?

-You were so wasted last night that you didn’t even feel it, did you? –said the guy, grinning like a mule eating briars –This is as far as I can take you, pretty boy.  Your wife asked me to take you to Pontiac; so, now we’re in Pontiac.

-My... wife? –asked Castiel, confused.

-Yeah.  Meg, right?

-Eh... yeah...

-She said her name was Meg.  She also said your name is Castiel.  You have a religious name there, pretty boy.

-People tell me that often.

-I can’t imagine why. –said the man, with sarcasm in his voice –Anyway, your wife paid me good money to bring you here.  She carried you to the truck.  Jesus, that woman has a lot of strength, pretty boy!  

-What about this bag? –the angel grabbed the black bag, watching at it curiously.

-Well, she left that handbag with you.  Now, get out of the truck.  A long drive is waiting for me and I can’t waste anymore time here.

-Okay. –Castiel was confused with the story of that stranger, but decided not to ask any more questions.  He didn’t want to upset the guy.

 

The angel had a new town to discover, and while he was walking to an uncertain destination he was thinking about the demon that had saved him from being trapped and killed, and then he wondered why a “black-eyed monster” like her would want to rescue him.

 

 

 

—**—

_Santa Clara Island, Ecuador_

_October 13, 2011_

_4: 00 PM_

 

Death was sitting over a big rock, staring at the sea in front of him.

 

-I did what you asked me to do, Chuck. –said the thin Horseman, without looking at the person he was talking to. –And I can sense that a few of your children are with you now.

-I had to bring them with me for a good reason. –said Chuck, getting close to where Death was sitting. –Things will get worst soon and the world will need more help to survive.

 

Besides Chuck there were four people.  Two of them were angels and two were archangels.

 

-Michael, Gabriel, Balthazar and Anna. –said Death to the four angels, flatly –Nice to see you again.

-Pale Horseman. –spoke Michael, with a serious voice.  Anna glared at the archangel with a murderous look in her eyes.

The vessel Michael was wearing was someone who looked identical to John Winchester when he was young.

-What’s he doing here, Father? –asked Gabriel, confused.

-He has helped me with your brother Castiel.

-What’s wrong with the Little Angel, Father? –asked Michael, with a concerned voice but keeping his poker face.

-Is Cassy okay, Father? –asked Balthazar, worried.

-I hope he is. –said Anna, with the same concern of her brothers.

-I’ll explain everything to you in a few moments. –Chuck spoke softly –  First of all, let me talk to D. 

 

Chuck and Death went a little far from the four angels to talk.

 

-I need to ask you another favor, D. –said Chuck, politely.

-And that will be...?

-I need you to keep an eye on Castiel.

-What about the other four angels here? Can’t they keep an eye on their brother?

-They have other matters to face, D.

-Are they going to help with the oncoming war?

-That’s what I want them to do. 

-I just don’t understand why you don’t let me take Castiel with the Winchesters, Chuck.

-I can’t just drop my son with the Winchesters because last time they saw Castiel they became enemies.  When I sent Castiel back I wanted him to have a few months to think about everything before he could face the Winchesters again.

-But your feathery child doesn’t remember much about his past.

-I know that now. –Chuck sounded preoccupied and sad – His brain damage was worst than I expected.  I haven’t been able to watch Castiel closely since I put him back on Earth five months ago. 

-I noticed that.  I’ve seen your child lately.  He’s not doing well, but he’s surviving.

-Castiel is a strong angel, D.

-I can keep an eye on your little bird, Chuck; but I can’t defend him from any threat.  You know that I’m partial.

-I don’t expect you to defend him, D.  I just want you to watch him.  If he’s attacked in any way, the stains inside him are going to react to the stress and they will make him very sick.  That’s why I wanted you to be close to him.  You could control the flow of filth inside him.  You know that awful thing could kill him if it’s not controlled.

-All right, Chuck.  As you wish. –Death sighed – But you know, with this favor you will owe me a few more bags of pickle chips.

-I could give you an entire restaurant full of junk food, D. –Said God, with a thankful and light smile –  Just... just keep an eye on my baby, please.

-Okay, my deity friend.  I’ll see you soon.

 

Death disappeared from the island, leaving Chuck with his four children, who were beside him in the blink of an eye.

 

-Why can’t we be the ones to take care of the Little Angel, Father? –asked Michael.

-Because you have to take care of other things for now.

-But Cassy is alone in the streets, Father. –said Balthazar, with a pleading voice.

-I admire your will to forgive your brother and show concern for him, Bathazar. –expressed Chuck, with a happy smile –I’m proud of you.

-I know he wasn’t in his right mind when he... when he killed me.  He needed help, and he was betrayed by all the people who were supposed to be at his side.

-But that is going to change now, my son.

-I want to see my baby brother. –said Gabriel with a smirk –After all, last time I saw him he was pissed at me.

-Last time you saw him you gave him a whipping, Gabriel. –pointed Chuck in a severe tone that made Gabriel shiver. –No wonder why he was pissed at you.

-And I regret that, Father. –Gabriel lowered his head, ashamed.

-I hope so, my child.

-Father, I want to help Castiel; I don’t have any grudge against him. –Anna’s voice sounded upset and then she pointed at Michael with her finger – But why do I have to work beside him?

-Because I hope that in these difficult times you would be able to forgive each other.  There has been so much angel blood spilled in the name of hate.  A war is coming, my children; a big war.  You will have to work together if you want to survive.  If the enemies win the war it will not be just the humans who will perish.  All the living things created by my hand will cease to exist.

 

The four celestials were in shocked at his father’s words.  They stayed quiet for a while, until Michael spoke again.

 

-So what do we do now, Father?

-You will come with me to the Dark Worlds.  You have a big work to do.  I will give you the instructions when we get there.  Follow me, my children.

 

Suddenly, the island was deserted.  The angels and their deity father disappeared to go to their immediate destination.

At that same time, a few miles from Santa Clara, the wind and the sea started to get disturbed, and a black stain that looked like mud invaded the water.  It was like a little island of filthy mud in the middle of the sea, it had bubbles that after they exploded they oozed pus and maggots.   The strange and disgusting bank of black filth was found by one of the fishermen in a boat close to the stain.   

 

- ** _Mira eso, Raúl!_** _(Look at that, Raul)_   –said the fisherman in his native language.  He was very thin and young; he had tanned skin, brown hair and green eyes – ** _Es un banco de lodo!_** _(It’s a bank of mud)_

 _- **Se lo ve raro, Beto.** __(It looks weird, Beto) –_ replied Raúl, fascinated.  He was also a young man but he had an athletic body, dark hair, brown eyes and brown skin _– **Y hay algo allí encima.  Creo que se está moviendo.** (And there’s something on top of it.  __I think it’s moving.)_

 _- **Crees que debamos decirles a los otros?** __(Do you think we should tell the others about it?) –_ asked Beto, a little fearful of that strange thing in the water _– **Eso parece obra del Diablo.** (It seems to be the Devil’s work.)_

 _- **No hables pendejadas, Beto.**_ _(Don’t talk bullshit, Beto) –_ laughed Raul _– **Es solo una puta manchita de lodo.**   **Ya verás que la toco y no pasa nada.** (It’s just a fucking little stain of mud.  __I’ll touch it and you’ll see that nothing will happen.)_

 _- **No, Raúl!** –_ Beto exclaimed, terrified _– **Esa cosa puede matarte!**   **Si es el demonio te llevará al Infierno!** (That thing could kill you! __If it;s the Devil it could take you to Hell!)_

 _- **Qué cojudo que eres, Beto!** __(Such an idiot you are, Beto!) –_ laughed the daring fisherman again while he was starting to poke the stain with a stick.

However, the mud-like substance climbed the stick very fast and invaded Raul’s hand, pulling him to the water. His friend Beto, scared to death, went to the edge of the boat to see if he could save Raul, but what he saw over the water made him pee in his own pants and then he let out a scream of terror.  Maggots, pus, pieces of flesh and blood fled to the boat and to Beto’s face and clothes.  He was in shock and his eyes were open wide like a pair of rounded dishes.

 

 

—**—

 

_Pontiac, Illinois_

_October 14, 2011_

_Midnight time_

Castiel was lying in an old and dirty mattress inside an abandoned building, in a room whose windows were covered by wood.  He was asleep and he was having a nightmare:

 

_The angel was in a boat in open sea, watching two fishermen talking in Spanish, and for some reason he didn’t know, the angel could understand everything the two men were saying._

_The fishermen were looking at a muddy and repulsive black thing that was floating on the water.  One of the fishermen laughed at the other and then he started to poke that mud-like thing with a stick.  But the weird mud pulled the fisherman to the water and invaded his body completely.  In a few seconds the fisherman was covered by black ooze, pus, maggots, his own blood and his entrails.  Then his skin and muscles were torn apart as if they were pieces of paper and his bones were fractured.  The unfortunate man was still screaming and his heart was still beating outside his broken ribcage when the black thing had finished tearing his flesh._

_Castiel was as terrified as the friend of the victim was.  In a few more seconds, the entire scenario turned red.  The sky and the sea looked as if they were filled with blood; and Castiel’s hands also were stained with the red fluid.  Suddenly, the dead and mangled body of the slaughtered fisherman appeared hanging in one of the ropes that held the sails in the ship, right in front of the angel.  Castiel jumped and gave a step back, scared and with pure horror in his face.  He was watching the torn and bloody remains of the victim of the living mud._

_“This is your fate” said a voice in the wind.  It was a scary whisper mixed with a high pitched tone._

_-You’re the same as before. –said Castiel, with a trembling voice._

_“You belong to the earth.  You belong to the water.  You belong to me.  You belong to us.”_

_-I don’t understand you! Leave me alone!_

_“Behold your future, Sacred Baby”_

_Castiel took a look at the dead body hanging in front of him, and then he felt something tickling his hands. When he looked down, his hands were covered by maggots, pus and black ooze.  His flesh was being eaten by the disgusting substances and the maggots..._

 

The angel woke up, covered in sweat, breathing heavily and screaming loudly.

 

-Hey **_chamaco_** (Kid), shut the hell up! –yelled an old indigent man who was sleeping over a bunch of newspapers, a few meters away from the celestial creature.  The guy was short and had long and grayish hair.  He had brown skin and one of his eyes was completely white –I’m trying to sleep here!

-I... I am...s-sorry, Pat. –replied Castiel, with a soft voice.  He was still shocked by the nightmare; nevertheless, there were some things that he couldn’t remember about it.

-Well... I know, **_angelito_**. (Little angel) –the old man softened his voice.  He looked at Castiel with some sort of fatherly fondness.

Pat had met the celestial only a few days back but he was already attached to the holy creature and Cas earned the nickname of “ _angelito_ ” after the celestial told Pat his name.  He thought Castiel was the child of a religious family and that was the reason they named him as the Angel of Thursday.

 

-Those **_pinches_** (fucking) nightmares of yours. –said Pat, touching his head with the tip of his finger –  You should get your head check, **_angelito_**.

-I have no money for a doctor, Pat.

-I know, Castiel.  That’s obvious, don’t you think? No money for us, **_chamaco_**.

-Yes... I think so.

-Okay... but as nice as this conversation could be, I’m really tired, kid.  So, let’s go back to sleep.  We can talk about our **_pinches_** empty pockets tomorrow.

-I don’t want to go back to sleep. –Castiel was afraid of his recent nightmares.

-Well, stay awake then, but **_quédate calladito, eh chamaco_**? (Stay very quiet, eh kid)  I can’t sleep with noises around me.

-Okay.  Good night, Patricio.

- ** _Buenas noches, angelito_**.

 

The old man was asleep in less than five minutes. Castiel stayed in the mattress, trying to get his thoughts away from the horrors of his nightmares. 

However, a face that he was seeing in his dreams lately crossed his mind in that instant.  The face whose name was spoken by his other self in his past dreams, and it was even mentioned by the creepy voice in his last nightmares.

 

 

_“You remember the hunter called Dean, do you?”_

 

 

-Dean. –whispered Castiel for himself.  For some reason, saying that name and remembering the face of its owner made Cas feel something warm inside his chest.  In that moment he even felt a little heat and tickles in the palm of his right hand.  Bu he didn’t give much importance to these sensations and instead he put his hand over his chest, on his heart. –I wonder if you’re real, Dean.  I don’t know if you’re part of my lost memories or just a dream.  I don’t know if I really did something so wrong that angered you and made you abandon me.  I don’t know... and sometimes I’m afraid to find out the truth. 

 

 

 

—**—

_Hartford, South Dakota_

_Midnight time_

Dean was getting ready to go to his motel bed while his brother Sam was already horizontal, watching Dean with a grin in his face.

 

-Admit it, Dean. –said Sam, almost laughing –That ghost really kicked your ass.

-It was a ghost with steroids, Sam! –replied Dean annoyed while he was touching his right arm where he had a big and fresh bruise.

-Dean, it was the ghost of a 70-year-old lady.

-It was a 70-year-old psycho lady!

-Well, at least she didn’t kill you.

-Thanks, Sammy. –the sarcasm in Dean’s voice was evident.  That made Sam let his laughing go loudly.  Dean thought it was best if he ignored him.

 

And suddenly the blonde hunter felt a heat and then an itching sensation in his left arm, close to his shoulder.  Dean couldn’t resist the urge to scratch that part of his body, and he was seen by Sam.

 

-You have fleas now, Dean? –asked the youngest Winchester, still laughing –I didn’t know Mrs. Johnson’s ghost had fleas to.

-Shut up, Sam! –exclaimed Dean, giving his back to his brother and then lying on his bed, pulling the covers over his head, waiting for his brother to stop mocking him.

-I’ve seen you scratching that same place since last week, Dean. –said Sam, making Dean groan in annoyance –Maybe the fleas are from Bobby’s house?

-G’night, Sammy! –said Dean, rolling his eyes.  Nevertheless, he didn’t stopped scratching until a few minutes later, when the itching and the heat disappeared from his arm.

Sam was asleep a few minutes later, but Dean couldn’t follow his brother’s example just yet.  He was intrigued by this strange itching.  Since a week ago this thing had started, and the blonde hunter was suspicious of what was it about, but at the same time, he thought the idea that he had in his head was crazy.

Dean uncovered his left arm to the shoulder and he saw that old burn scar of a handprint that Castiel left in his body when the angel had rescued him from Hell.

 

-Cas. –whispered Dean, with a great pain in his voice and his heart –I still can’t... I can’t accept you’re dead, buddy.  I’m imagining stupid things to give myself hope.  My mind is making up an itching in the scar that you left me.  This damn scar it’s the only thing that I have to remember you now.

 

 

—**—

 

_Pontiac, Illinois_

_October 16, 2011_

 

Castiel was sitting on the bench of a small park, watching the children play and run.  The angel liked to spend a lot of time in parks.  For some reason that he couldn’t remember, he enjoyed to watch people and kids in parks during hours.

The angel stayed in the colorful place until sunset, and then he realized he was hungry, so he walked a few blocks and then he found Pat, the old guy who shared his room in the abandoned house with him.

 

-Hello, Pat. –said Castiel to the guy, who was drinking from a bottle that was covered with a paper bag.

-Hey **_angelito_**. –answered the guy, with a lazy smile –You have a really awful color in your face.  **_Estás pálido, chamaco._** (You’re pale, kid)

-I’m fine, Pat. –the angel sounded evasive.

-You’re trembling, kid.  **_Tienes hambre_**. (You’re hungry) You seemed desperate for some food.

-I don’t think...

-Take it. –the old guy gave Castiel a piece of bread that he was stashing in a paper bag in his jacket. –Eat it.  You need it more than me, **_chamaco_**.

-No Pat, please, this is yours. –Castiel said, touched by the guy’s goodness towards him –I don’t want to take away your food.

-Come on, don’t be **_tontito_** (foolish) and eat the **_pinche_** bread. –Pat insisted, slapping Castiel’s arm gently.

-But Pat...

- ** _Cómelo_** (eat it) or I’ll drop it in the garbage! –exclaimed Pat, with little patience.  Castiel had to accept the offer and put the piece of bread in his mouth.  He didn’t want to waste the gift of the man, especially since the angel had not eaten for almost a couple of days.

 

In the evening, Castiel was sitting on a corner in a small alley, hugging his legs against his chest, trying to cover his trembling body with a few newspapers and the remains of a few old boxes. 

The angel was starving.  Pat’s small piece of bread was not enough for his malnourished body.  He was cold, partly because of the lack of food, and the weather was not helping either.   Castiel closed his eyes and tried to control his trembling, but he couldn’t do it.  He was getting dizzy and weak.

 

-Hello, child. –said a woman’s voice.  The angel didn’t open his eyes. –Are you hungry, my dear?

-Yes. –answered Castiel, almost fainting.

-I have something for you. –said the woman, giving Castiel a bar of chocolate.  The angel took the food and ate it desperately without looking at the person who gave him the candy bar.  –I can give you more food in my place, child.

-Really? –asked Castiel, innocently.

-Yes.  Come with me and I’ll show you.  What’s your name, my dear?

 

In that moment the angel took a look at his benefactor.  He saw a middle-aged woman with ebony skin, long dark hair and black eyes.

 

-My name is Castiel.  What is your name, lady?

-I’m Raphaella. –the archangel smirked, pleased.

 

 

**********

 

 


	5. The Little Seraph

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I wonder if angels become stars when they die”

**Title:** The Little Seraph

 **Masterpost:** For warnings and general information of the fic:

 **Author:** Lizaredlion

 **Characters/Pairings:** pre-Dean/Castiel, Sam, Raphael, Gabriel, Michael, Lucifer, Claire Novak, OC

 **Rating:** NC17—M

 **Word Count:** 5480

 **Warnings:** Explicit sexual scenes, kidnapping.

 

 **ESPECIAL NOTE:** The parts written in **BLACK** are words or phrases spoken in another language by the characters.

__

 

 

 **—** ** **—**

 

_Pontiac, Illinois_

_October 16, 2011_

_Before midnight time_

She was walking with three other girls of her same age in the streets of the downtown when she noticed something in an alley.  15-year-old Claire Novak saw an indigent whose face she knew very well.  He was hugging his legs against his chest, trying to protect himself from the cold weather with a few newspapers and old boxes.  But behind the facial hair and the dirt she could recognize her father. 

But was he really her dad?

No

He was the angel.  He was the being that took her father’s body.  He was the creature who took her dear dad away from her.  He was Castiel.

Claire could recognize Castiel because of the look in his eyes.  That ancient look wasn’t her father’s.  Besides, she had Cas’ essence and grace inside her for a while, and that little time was enough to know the angel deeper and to learn a few of his most important thoughts.

But what was this celestial creature doing in that cold place?  He seemed to be in pretty bad shape.  What was wrong with Castiel?

Claire was trying to get close to the angel, when suddenly, an ebony-skinned woman got close to Castiel first.  She talked to him, offered him food and a place to sleep, and the desperate angel went with her.  They got in a big black car with dark windows and then they took off.

Claire heard the name of the person who took the angel.  The name was “Raphaella”.  But who was her?

—**—

_Pontiac, Illinois_

_October 17, 2011_

_Past midnight_

 

 

Castiel was eating a candy bar, seating in the edge of a comfortable bed inside a mansion, while his older brother watched him with amusement.

 

-Thank you, lady. –said the younger angel, politely, getting away from the bed –But I have to go now.

-Where are you going, Castiel? –asked Raphael, nonchalantly –You have no place to go.

-You’re wrong, lady. –replied Castiel, serene –  I have a place to go.  I sleep in the same building with my friend Pat.

-A homeless? –the archangel’s tone was full of vile.

-I’m a homeless too. –Castiel was confused because of the sudden despicable attitude of his benefactor.

-You’re different, Castiel. –Raphael said while he was piercing his little brother’s eyes with his own – You are so much more.  You are not like these lower creatures.

-Lower... lower creatures?

-Humans.

-I... I don’t know what you’re talking about, lady. –Castiel was getting nervous and he tore his gaze away from Raphael’s eyes.

 

In that instant, Castiel started to cough hard a few times and he put a hand over his chest with a grimace of pain.  He went back to sit on the bed.

 

-What’s wrong, Castiel? –asked the archangel, staring at the lesser angel’s belly.

-It’s... it’s nothing. –answered the indigent celestial, trying to regain his composure –It’s just an old pain.  Sometimes it’s in my chest, and other times it’s in my stomach, my joints or my back and shoulders.  I believe that maybe they could be caused by some sort of bacteria.

-They could be parasites. –Raphael said –I suppose you have had this pain for a long time.

-For five months. –Castiel said, with trembling voice –One day I woke up and the pain started.

-Five months. –whispered Raphael, thoughtful.

 

Castiel was rubbing his chest with both hands, and the pained look in his eyes was not fading.

 

-Is it still hurting right now? –asked Raphael, getting close to the bed where Castiel was sitting, very slowly.

-Yes.  I... I m-mean...no.  –Castiel stuttered –its okay.

-It doesn’t seem okay to me.

-Really, I just need...

-You need rest, Castiel. –interrupted the archangel.  He was almost losing his patience with his kid brother.

-No... No, I was going to say that... that I need to go. –Castiel was very weak and his voice was trembling – You gave me food and... and I’m really grateful with you for that, but right now... I have to go.

 

In that moment Castiel felt something sharp in his both of his shoulder blades and he screamed in pain. Cas’ hands were in his shoulders now.  He wanted desperately to lay down in the bed where he was sitting, but his instincts told him that he needed to get out of that house.  He didn’t know what kind of person was his benefactor, so, he couldn’t trust her.  Castiel usually didn’t trust strangers, but for some reason, he was afraid of this woman in front of him.

 

-You are not going anywhere, Castiel.

-But... I have to...

-Sleep, Castiel. – Without warning, Raphael put two fingers in his little brother’s forehead, and then the body of the young celestial went slack in the archangel’s arms.

Raphael laid Castiel in the mattress and then he put a hand over his stomach, over the belly button.  The archangel noticed that Castiel’s grace was restrained in great part, and also felt a strange disturbance inside the young celestial’s body.  The superior angel had already seen those problems with his deep and powerful eyes through the lesser angel’s flesh when he was talking with him, but he needed to touch the body to feel the possible damages or infections.  With that information, he could have at least a few ideas about what was happening to the fallen angel.

In that moment, four angels dressed in dark suits appeared behind Raphael.  They were two young adults, one male and one female, and two middle-aged individuals, man and woman.

 

-Take Castiel to the basement and put him over the table in the lab. –ordered Raphael, without taking his eyes off of the sick angel.

-Is he really Castiel, Master? –asked the young woman who had merciful grey eyes. She had tan skin and dark hair.  She was watching carefully at the sleeping angel’s face and then she looked at his stomach and noticed the same disturbance that Raphael had seen and felt in the humanized angel.

-Yes, he is, Amedeah. –answer Raphael flatly. –He’s dirty and malnourished, but it’s him.

-He looks terrible. –said worridely the young man of the group.  He had dark blond hair and pale blue eyes.

-His grace is tainted, Zadkiel. –said the middle aged man.  He had grey hair and blue eyes –It’s perturbing his angelic essence and his human body.

-I can see that, Jeremiel. –Zadkiel got close to Castiel to study his chest while Raphael was still with his hand over Cas’ stomach.

-Such a disgusting creature he is! –said the middle-aged woman.  Her brown eyes were full of disgust and hatred towards Castiel.

-Don’t be so hard on him, Epinoia. –said Amedeah.  She was looking at Castiel with compassion. –He’s our little brother.

-That abomination cannot be my brother.  He is a monster!

-He _was_ a monster five months ago, sister. –said Zadkiel, rolling his eyes –But right now he’s just a helpless creature. 

-He’s weak and despicable, and he’s almost one of... them! –the blonde Epinoia had an ugly grimace and she looked nauseated – A human! 

-And what’s wrong with him being a human? He’s not going to hurt you. Don’t say stupid things and don’t behave like a dumb donkey, sister.

-You’re a blind fool, Zadkiel! –she was almost yelling, with pure anger – Can’t you see what the humans have done to all the beautiful things in creation? Can’t you see what they’ve done to Castiel?  That Winchester vermin converted our brother in the abomination that lies in that bed!  It’s his fault, a human’s fault!  Castiel used to be a beautiful angel, but now he’s not even a shadow of what he was before!  Now he’s just a dirty and miserable creature!

-You really are very hard with Castiel, Epinoia. –said Jeremiel quietly.

-All right, quit the chatter now! –Raphael said.   Even when he was inside a female vessel, his tone was thundering when he showed fury, it was the same frightening tone that all his subordinates knew very well. –Stop talking nonsense and take the Little Seraph to the room in the basement!

-Little Seraph? –asked Epinoia, very surprised and disgusted –That thing is the Little Seraph?!

 

Raphael just stared at the upset angel.

 

-He’s the one they mentioned in the prophecy of the Epic War?! –continued Epinoia, while her partners were sharing nervous looks with each other – He is the same being known as the Little Angel?!

-Castiel is the youngest and the last angel created by God. –replied Raphael, surprising his followers.  They all believed Epinoia was gonna be smited right there.  However, the archangel’s voice was not filled with love either – Not all the angels were informed about who was the last one.  Only the archangels and certain high-class angels were informed about it.  And last time I knew, you weren’t an archangel, Epinoia.

-But...

-Do you really want to continue with this pitiful talk, Epinoia? –Raphael’s followers heard a thunder outside.  Epinoia gulped nervously and decided to finally stay quiet.

 

The four angels didn’t want to wait until Raphael would repeat again the order of taking Castiel away, so they did what their wrathful superior had told them to do before Epinoia’s interruption.

 

 

—**—

 

 

The archangel had already cleansed his little brother’ body with his powers, and he also shaved him before starting to examine him.  Castiel was unconscious, lying on his back naked, connected to an IV tube in a vein of one of his arms.  He was scrawny; his pale skin was stretched too tight over his bones, he had a flat stomach, his ribs were a little visible under the flesh and his hipbones were sharp.  It was obvious that he needed to put a little more of weight in his body.

 

-Are you going to operate Castiel, Master? – asked Zadkiel. He entered to the subterranean lab that had the aspect of a medical exam room.

-Not yet, Zadkiel.  I need to see how those Purgatory parasites are developing inside him.  And I have to take some samples from his body.  I need tissues, vital fluids, excretions and other matter.  If Castiel’s ailment were only in his grace and angelic essence I wouldn’t need those body samples, but that’s not the case here.   Castiel’s vessel is infected too and I have to know what exactly is wrong with him.

 

Zadkiel noted purple bruises in Castiel’s right ribs and lower belly.

 

-What is this? –asked the blonde angel, lightly touching the bruise on Cas’ abdomen with his fingertips.

-This is another consequence of the parasites.

-They are awful bruises.

-They are also painful. –said the archangel, pressing two fingers on the rounded contusion, causing Castiel to flinch and whimper softly. 

-I don’t know much about this kind of problem because there are no precedents about it, but from what I know that kind of filth inside him could kill him eventually.  Is that truth?

-Yes, it is, Zadkiel.  He would need proper care to survive.  Castiel is stubborn. He wouldn’t want to stay here.  It is sure that he will try to runaway.

-He’s human.  He can’t run away from angels.

-He’s _almost_ human, don’t forget about it.  He’s still strong enough to escape from us.

-So, what are you going to do?

-I will mark him.

-You will use The Mark of Restrain?

-Indeed.   This mark will put his grace to sleep completely.  Right now, even when he’s not aware of it, a small portion of his grace is still active in his body.  This portion of grace gives him angelic strength and it is enough to let him fly.  I’ve been using the Mark of Restrain since I started as the Master Healer of the Host in angels who when they were injured or ill their powers were a problem for the safety of themselves and others around them.  If I decide to give Castiel away to the Old Monarcs as a sacrifice, he must be healthy and well fed, and that won’t happen if he escapes from us.

-They’re going to eat him, Master. –Zadkiel couldn’t hide his repulsion at the idea of giving Castiel away as food to some ancient monsters.

-They eat angels, Zadkiel.  We all know that.  They could eat us all.  If we give them the Little Seraph, they will spare Heaven and we could survive the destruction that they are planning for the Host.

-But that’s cruel, Master! –exclaimed the blonde angel, lowering his head a little nervous.

-Cruel? –asked Raphael, bewildered –Castiel caused a lot of chaos in Heaven, Zadkiel.  He was against me and he killed half of my soldiers in the war.  He made a deal with a demon.  He proclaimed himself as a new god.  He almost killed me when he had the power of the souls of Purgatory inside him, and he murdered many of my followers and soldiers in Heaven at that same time.  What I am doing with him now is an act of mercy, Zadkiel.  He’s already condemned to death in Heaven.  He could be executed in one way or another.

-But... but they will eat him alive, Master! That’s awful!

-Alive, yes; but not conscious.  I will shut down his nerves before I give him away to the Monarcs.  He won’t feel a thing, Zadkiel. 

-Are you going to tell him about his fate?

-No.  It’s for the best.  He doesn’t have to know that he’s going to be sacrificed.  That could make him more ill than he already is.  I don’t need more unpleasant problems with Castiel.

 

                                                               

 

 **—** ** **—**

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

The indigent angel was blindfolded and shackled around his ankles and wrists before he could be conscious again. 

He finally woke up in the evening, over the comfortable mattress of the little bed in the room-prison that Raphael prepared for him.

The young celestial found himself in the darkness, lying on his stomach, naked and only covered by a soft sheet from his ankles to waist.

Castiel felt his head very light.  It was almost the same sensation that he had experimented when he took a few colored pills to calm his hunger and cold a few months ago.  However, in that moment he felt even more light-headed than in his previous experience.  He was so flaccid and weak.

Nevertheless, in a few more seconds he felt a nastier sensation: It was a burning pain in his back that he had suffered before, over his two shoulder blades and the upper part of his spine.  The pain was so intense that Castiel couldn’t avoid his own cries and whimpers. 

The squirming young angel was being studied by Raphael.  The archangel was checking his kid brother’s temperature with one of his hand on his forehead and with the other hand on his neck he was checking the speed of his pulse.

 

-Where...? –Castiel was babbling – What is...?

-Calm down, Castiel. –said the archangel while he looked at Cas’ back with intent, poking his shoulder blades. –I’m going to ease your pains.

-My back... it’s burning me... it’s too... too hot!

-I will help you with your back, but I need you to stay still.

-Please, help me! –exclaimed the young seraph, ignoring what Raphael had said – This is burning!

-Does it hurt a lot? –heard Castiel an unknown voice.  That was Zadkiel’s.

-It... It burns... it hurts so much!

-Master, why is he still so sensitive?

-My powers are not working completely in his body.  The parasites interfere with the effects of my powers.

-He needs to be anesthetized.

-I already put a strong medicine in his lower spine. The pain will be less in a couple of minutes.

-Human medicine works better on him than our angelic methods, Master? –asked Amedeah.

-Sadly, yes. –answered Raphael, disappointed.

-At least there is something that will avoid him too much suffering. –said Jeremiel –It’s not funny to hear an angel scream, not even if it is a fallen one.

-I would pay to see that _thing_ suffering. –said the despicable voice of Epinoia. –He deserves no less.

-Silence everyone! –ordered Raphael –I’m going to start the ritual.  Jeremiel Amedeah and Epinoia, you hold Castiel down.  He’s restrained but he’s stronger than he looks.  I need him to stay still.  Zadkiel, you will hold the wings when they materialize here.  I will say the words.

 

Raphael started to talk in a language that wasn’t English.  Castiel recognized the language and he was able to understand it but he didn’t know why he could do such a thing.

 

**_“In the name of God, our Celestial Father, I summon the wings of this seraph to appear in this plane of the universe.”_ **

****

****

Raphael repeated that phrase a lot of times in that same strange language and then he repeated it in two other different languages that Castiel also was able to understand.

Half an hour later, Cas felt something heavy in his shoulder blades and upper spine.

He could see his wings by his sides, which scared the amnesic angel.

The wings were huge; horizontally the length was a little bigger than Castiel’s size.  The feathers were white as the snow and they were shining lightly. 

Nevertheless, his plumage and the flesh of the wings seemed mistreated.  There were several feathers missing, also there were bruises in certain parts of the muscles, joints and in the base of the wings where the vessel’s body was connected to them.  There were also old scars from different battles and wars that the angel had fought in his past, when he was a soldier of God.

 

-This is awful, Master. –said Amedeah, looking at the mistreated with pity and sadness.

-The parasites of Purgatory left by the souls of the monsters have damaged Castiel’s wings. –explained Raphael –This is painful for him.  He doesn’t know he has wings, but his back hurts anyway.

-Are you going to heal his wings, Master? –asked Zadkiel, with a worried voice.

-I can’t heal them entirely, but I will help him as far as his body allows me to do so.

 

The archangel concentrated in his ailing brother, taking one of his wings with gentleness.  Raphael started to stroke the feathers softly, spilling a blue light with his hand over the plumage, while Castiel shuddered and whined at the touch.

Raphael worked carefully in all the feathers that looked damaged or burned.  The ones that didn’t have so much damage could be fixed, but the ones that were too ruined were pulled from its pores, making Cas cry out in pain.

 

-Easy, Castiel. –said Raphael, rubbing his younger sibling’s sweat-matted hair. –Do not cry, brother.  I know you are a brave angel, so you can stand this.

-I thought he was our enemy, Master. –said the daring Epinoia –Why are you praising him?

-The fact that he is our enemy doesn’t mean that we can’t recognize his virtues, Epinoia. –Raphael said, looking at Castiel with melancholy.

 

_“Long time ago, you weren’t my enemy, Castiel”_

 

_Raphael’s memories went to a time when Heaven used to be a peaceful place, thousands of years ago._

_The fourth archangel was walking in the green grass of the huge country scenery that was his home._

_His skin was translucent, brilliant, white and blue, but sometimes it could be multicolored.  He had long and thin limbs, two arms and two legs.  His hands had the same form as the hands of a man but his fingers were longer and thinner._

_Raphael’s grace was visible in his lower abdomen, it was a ball of pure white energy shining like a star.  This energy was distributed to all parts of the archangel’s body by long and thin vessels inside him._

_Raphael’s face was almost like a human’s, but his eyes didn’t have iris and they were constantly changing their color. He also had six ebony-colored wings._

_In that moment, Raphael changed his original form to a human form, given the fact that angels could change their appearances when they wanted to._

_In human form, the archangel was dressed with a white toga and dark sandals.  He was ebony-skinned, had short black hair and big brown eyes.  The other angels that were in the surroundings—adults and fledglings in their original or changed forms— were dressed in the same way as the superior celestial._

_Raphael got to a huge garden where he was greeted by a short and dark-skinned angel who had a plant on his hands._

_-Raphael, the others are waiting for you. –said the gardener, politely._

_-Thank you, Joshua. –replied the archangel, whose eyes were not as severe as they were in the future._

_-The baby was born a few minutes ago. – commented Joshua, happily –He was crying so hard that the entire Heaven heard him._

_-I will go see him. –Raphael walked to the insides of the garden._

_-Go, brother.  –Joshua said, with a smile._

_The archangel got to a field that was filled with giant roses of different colors and there were also a large quantity of buttons.  The roses that were already opened or half-opened had a baby angel lying in the center of it.  All babies were in their true forms._

_Surrounding an enormous and beautiful white rose were three other angels, all three were in human forms.  One was tall, black-haired and had green eyes.  The one that was beside him was also tall, he was blonde and long-haired and had grey eyes, and the last one was the shortest of the three, he had light brown hair and golden eyes.  They were watching with fondness to the newborn baby that was lying and purring inside the huge white rose. The little creature was also in human form.  He was the only baby angel in the garden who could change his appearance.  He had dark hair and eyes blue as the sky whose look was unusually enigmatic for a newborn.  In his back there was a pair of tiny snow-white wings that were flapping happily._

_-The Last Angel is finally with us, Raphael. –said the black-haired angel, holding the baby in his arms while he was sucking his thumb._

_-He looks cute. –said flatly and with a bored tone the blonde angel._

_-Cuter than you were at that age, I bet, Lucifer. –said the short celestial, with a smirk on his lips.  The blonde angel glared at him then, irritated. –Let me hold the little sweet babe, Michael._

_-It’s all yours, Gabriel. –said his brother, giving the baby carefully to the shortest angel._

_-He could change his form already. –said Raphael –This creature will be very especial._

_-Indeed he is, brother._

_-Who is going to raise him? – asked the black archangel, watching the baby with intent._

_-We were thinking about it, Raphael, and we decided to ask you if you want to raise him. –said Michael, while he looked at his other brothers._

_-Me? –Raphael was confused –Why me?_

_-Because you are the only one, besides Lucifer, who hasn’t had a fledgling in his charge for quite some time._

_-And I don’t want to take care of him. –said Lucifer, pointing at the baby angel._

_-I would like to take care of the babe, if Raphael can’t do it. –said Gabriel, enthusiastic._

_-You already have Balthazar, Zadkiel and Samandriel under your charge, brother. –said Michael._

_-But they are not babies, Michael.  And I like babies, they are very funny._

_-Sorry, Gabriel._

_-I will take care of him then. –said Raphael, taking the baby from Gabriel’s arms while the archangel was pouting._

_-Raphael is going to turn the little babe into a boring soldier. –protested the golden-eyed celestial._

_-That is not your problem, Gabriel. –said the dark-skinned archangel, glaring daggers at his older brother.  Then, the youngest of the four archangels put his serious look over the intense blue eyes of the baby. –You will be called “Castiel”, The Little Seraph._

_The baby Castiel stared at Raphael and he smiled slightly._

**—** ** **—**

-What a disgusting animal! –exclaimed Epinoia, slapping the whimpering Castiel on his buttocks.  The ailing angel groaned at the abuse.

-What is wrong? –asked Raphael, glaring at his enraged subordinate.  He already had one hour working on Castiel’s healing procedure.

-That beast has an erection! –spat the female angel.

-That is a normal reaction in an angel when the wings are stimulated. –explained the archangel, concentrated in Cas’ wings and uninterested in everything else. –It causes sexual arousal and if the stimulation is very intense he could reach completion.  

 

Raphael’s explanation was true and Castiel’s genitals were the evidence of it.

The young seraph’s penis was hard and leaking, his nipples were erect and tender and the skin of his face, neck and chest were flushed.  He was rubbing himself by pure instinct, thrusting his hips against the mattress, moaning softly.  Nevertheless, Raphael didn’t stop the manipulation of Cas’ wings.  He kept massaging and healing the feathers for a few more minutes.  After working on the plumage, he started on the muscles and bones of the wings and this made the semi unconscious Castiel moan in pleasure as he closed his hands in a fist.

The archangel ignored the sounds his little brother was making and continued with his ministrations, until his healing hands got to the bases of the wings.  There were a few big bruises in both bases and they were also swollen and reddish.  Raphael had to work harder on those tender parts, making Castiel shout in pain; however, the bases were even more sensitive than the feathers, muscles and joints, so the archangel’s movements of his hands and the grace pouring from them were enough to make Cas achieve the orgasm his body was desperately needing. The young angel’s hips bucked forcefully as he cried out, his entire body writhed wildly and uncontrollably.  Zadkiel and Jeremiel held Castiel’s tied arms and feet to stop the punches and kicks the young celestial was throwing erratically.   Cas’ wings were held by Raphael, restraining them from flapping and they shuddered instead.  Suddenly the over-stimulated angel stopped moving and remained completely unconscious after his climax.

 

-That was really gross. –murmured Epinoia, looking at Castiel with disgust.

-Shut up, sister. –said Zadkiel in a low voice, rolling his eyes –That was not Castiel’s fault.

-He was overwhelmed by the Master’s healing touch. –Amedeah said, with a sigh.

-I think you are wasting your breath stupidly, Epinoia. –said Jeremiel, dully –Angel wings are naturally sensitive and Castiel’s wings are injured, which makes them even more sensible.  His sexual response to the healing procedure was not something that you could consider as rare.  Even a fledgling would know that.

-Maybe Epinoia is dumber than a newborn fledgling. –said Zadkiel, with a little smirk.

-It’s finally done. –Raphael spoke, silencing his subordinates.  The archangel made a last movement over Castiel’s feathers and murmured a few words in Enochian, making the wings disappear. –The Little Seraph will rest now.

 

 

**—** ** **—**

_Monticello, Illinois_

_Evening time_

The Winchester brothers reached a deserted road a few miles from Monticello, Illinois, and decided to spend the night there after their last job hunting a Poltergeist in that same town.

Sam fell asleep immediately in the back seat of the car.  But Dean couldn’t sleep.  He was sitting in the rear of the Impala, looking at the stars in the sky with his green and sad eyes.

 

-I wonder if angels become stars when they die. –whispered Dean with his voice rough because he hadn’t used it during hours since his little brother went to sleep.

 

Dean felt an itch in his left shoulder and started to scratch it while he recalled an argument with Sam that he had in the afternoon in their motel room.

 

_-I’m telling you, Dean.  This is ridiculous. –said Sam, exasperated._

_-And I’m telling you that maybe this could mean something important.  –replied Dean, touching his left shoulder._

_-Why, Dean? It’s just an itch._

_-An itch which happens to be over Cas’ mark._

_-I know what this is about.  You think Cas is alive._

_-I don’t know, Sammy.  But something is going on._

_-Dean –Sam softened his voice –, I know Cas was a very important person to you.  Hell, Cas was my friend too.  I even forgave his mistakes before he died, when he decided to give the souls back.  I wish he were alive, but he’s gone, Dean.  We saw him die.  We put his body in the altar where he was burnt to ashes._

_-He was an angel, Sam.  Maybe God brought him back to life.  It has happened before! Cas came back from the dead twice, Sammy!_

_-Yeah, I know... but I don’t think God would want to bring him back this time._

_-Why not?_

_-You know why.  God is wrathful.  That’s what everybody says.  Cas destroyed and killed in His name.  Do you think God could forgive His son after what he did?_

_-I don’t know! Maybe!_

_-Look Dean, you should let him go._

_-And forget about him? I have to pretend that he never existed? Is that what you’re saying, Sam?_

_-No, Dean! What I’m saying is that you should accept that he’s gone._

_-But I can’t accept it! –Dean shouted, enraged, holding his tears.  He didn’t want to show weakness, not even to Sam –I can’t fucking accept it!  And don’t you dare to mention that “time heals everything” crap because I could punch you in the face!_

 

 

Dean was so distracted with his thoughts when out of the blue he felt a heat developing in his lower belly as he got flushed and his dick twitched with excitement.

 

-What the fuck...?

 

A wave of pleasure invaded Dean’s senses and now he was seeing little white stars dancing in front of his eyes.  The handprint in his shoulder was now very hot and itching furiously.

 

-Cas. –gasped Dean, realizing that this was not only a hunch about Castiel being alive.  This was a neon sign.

 

But a sexual neon sign?

Seriously, what the hell?

 

The hunter tried to control himself, but the burning itch on his handprint was somehow controlling all the sensitive parts of his body; his cock started to grow painfully hard under his jeans and his nipples were engorged and really sensible.

He thought his mind was playing tricks on him.  He could see Castiel naked and lying on a mattress, face down.  The angel’s eyes were closed and his mouth was partly open, his chapped lips were pink and saliva was escaping from one of the corners of his mouth.  He saw Castiel thrusting against the mattress, jerking himself off, first slowly and then rapidly.  The celestial’s moans and whimpers were driving Dean crazy, the handprint was unbearably hot and itchy and he noticed that his pants were already wet with pre-come.

 

-Fuck! –growled Dean to himself – Cas is not here! Cas is not...! Oh... fuck!

 

Dean couldn’t talk anymore as he saw Castiel again over that mattress, thrusting on it forcefully a few more times before he came.  Dean came almost at the same time the angel in his hallucination did, while he still could hear the moans and whimpers escaping from Castiel’s dry mouth.

 

All was white in Dean’s mind, and just as it had appeared, the scene was gone.  Cas was gone.  Gone.

 

-Damn it! –growled Dean, frustrated, watching the surroundings of the deserted road –What the flying fuck was that?!

 

The blonde hunter felt the sticky wetness in his groin under his pant and sighed loudly.

 

-Great... this is just great. –said the young man, sarcastic – I jacked myself off with the memory of my dead friend.  Well done, Dean.

 

In a moment the ringtone of his cell interrupted the hunter and made him flinch and he answered the phone almost instantly.

 

-What?! –he almost yelled, furious.

-Er...Are you Dean or Sam Winchester? –asked a feminine and a little high pitched voice.  It was a kid.

-Who wants to know? –Dean couldn’t trust anybody, kids and adults equally.  His hunter instincts always were telling him to be careful with everyone; no matter how innocent could look like the individual in front of him.

-M-my name is Claire.  Claire Novak.  Maybe you don’t remember me, but I’m Jimmy Novak’s daughter.

-Novak...

 

_“Jimmy Novak... Cas’ vessel.  What the fuck?”_

 

 

-Novak. –parroted Dean again –So, you’re his daughter.  Yes... I remember you.  I’m Dean Winchester. 

-Jesus, that’s a relief. –sighed the girl.

-So, what’s going on, kid? Why are you calling me?

-It’s about Castiel.

 

Dean’s hands and feet went cold when he heard the name of his friend with that child’s voice.  Something very serious was happening related to his angelic friend and he suspected that this call was one of the steps he had to take to find out the truth.

 

-I saw Castiel. –said Claire, with a sad voice –He looked mistreated and abandoned, but it was him.

 

Dean was speechless.

 

 

**********


	6. Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I thought he was part of a hallucination.”

**Title:** Reality

 **Author:** Lizaredlion

 **Characters/Pairings:** pre-Dean/Castiel, Sam, Death, Claire Novak, Inias, OC.

 **Rating:** NC17—M

 **Word Count:** 4743

 **Warnings:** Language, violence, kidnapping, mentions of rape.

 

 

__

**~** ** **~**

_Pontiac, Illinois_

_October 18, 2011_

 

 

-This is so weird, Dean. –said Sam while he was getting to the motel room that he had rented with his brother –Do you really believe she was telling the truth?

-Why would she lie about it? –asked Dean, whose eyes seemed really concerned.

-I don’t know.  It’s just that... it’s really weird, Dean.  Cas alive?  And she said she saw him in the streets, living like a vagabond.

-Yeah, that’s what she said.

-Why would Cas choose the streets to live?

-I don’t know, but if it’s really Cas, the guy must be suffering quite a lot.  Claire said that he looked terrible.

-He could have lost his powers.

-That’s what I’m afraid of, and if he did, he’s helpless.  What I don’t understand is why he didn’t try to get in touch with us.  It’s not as if he has anyone else in this world.

-Perhaps he’s scared?

-Scared of what, Sammy? –snapped Dean.

-Because of all that crap that happened five months ago, Dean.  Maybe he’s afraid that we could reject him.

-That’s ridiculous. –Dean’s voice didn’t sound convincing.

-Is it? Really, Dean?

-What, Sammy? –snapped the blonde hunter –Do you think I could reject him if he comes to us? Is that what you think?

-You’re angry with him, Dean.

-No, I’m not. –Dean lied, the grimace on his face was as if he would have been eating rotten eggs.

-You’ve been angry with him since he betrayed us, and your anger got worst after he was killed by that dark fog-thing that came out of his body.

-So, now you can read my mind? That’s stupid!

-Well, if you want to believe that, I can’t stop you.

-Look Sam –said Dean, suddenly very serious –, the fact that Cas could be alive right now is something very fucking shocking.  I thought he was finished.  During these past five months I’ve believed that Cas was dead.  Why do you think I would hate a dead guy?

-I didn’t say “hate”, I said “anger”.

-Okay, you know what? I’m not having this stupid conversation.  This is so fucking cheesy that I could throw up right here on your shoes.  I’m not a girl, Sammy, and this is a girl thing.

-No, it isn’t! We’re just talking like civilized people!

-Well, keep talking to yourself because I’m not available to talk like “civilized people” right now.

 

Dean laid down on his bed and tried to sleep a little bit to avoid any attempt of Sam to talk about Castiel. But when he closed his eyes he couldn’t avoid remembering that strange vision he had the night before about Castiel jacking himself off over a bed.  It was like a wet dream, except he wasn’t asleep at all, and also Dean had ended up with his pants stained with his own sexual fluids.  What the hell was happening in his mind?

He knew he felt something about Castiel.  He wanted to see him alive again.  Even if the celestial had betrayed him, he still considered Cas as part of his family... and secretly Dean saw the angel as something more than just a brother. However, the blonde hunter was wondering if he could forgive the angel for all those terrible choices he had made months ago.    

Hard times were waiting for the weird Winchester family.       

 

 

 

 **~** ** **~**

 

Castiel’s recent strange dreams had been haunting him since the day when his friend Emil was murdered by the ones he called “black-eyed monsters”.  He wanted to stop those dreams.  He wanted to stay awake.  But his physical condition was so poor it didn’t let him do such task.  Nevertheless, now he was under the watch of his kidnapper, and somehow she was keeping him asleep almost all day. He couldn’t protest or fight because he didn’t have the strength to do it.  Whatever drugs he thought his abductor was putting on him were enough to make him as weak as a newborn kitten.

 

_In his dream now he was in a big, elegant house.  There were seven people in there.  Two of those people were a scared middle-aged couple that was tied up and gagged, sitting on two chairs.  The other five were two young men, a middle-aged guy wearing a hat, a thin-skeletal old man wearing a black suit and a cane, and a man in a beige trench coat whose visible parts of his body such as his hands and his face looked swollen, reddened and broken._

_One of the young men of the lot was that same guy called Dean._

_And that sick-looking man in the trench coat was none other than himself._

_But what happened to him? Who have done that to him? And why did he look so cold and angered?_

 

 

_“Enough.”  said the damaged Castiel, firm and severe._

_“Stupid little soldier you are.” Spat the thin-skeletal man, looking at Castiel disdainfully._

_“Why?” asked the sick-looking man, with fury in his eyes while he got close to the thin old man, almost invading his personal space. “Because I dared open a door that He shut? Where is He? I did a service taking His place.”_

_“Service?” mocked the old guy, humorless “Settling petty vendettas?”_

_“No.” stated the Castiel of the memory, with that same fury and coldness “I'm cleaning up one mess after another; selflessly.”_

_“Quite the humanitarian.”  mocked the thin man again._

_“And how would you know?” asked the injured Castiel, whose rage was bright in his voice “What are you, really? A flyswatter?”_

_“Destined to swat you, I think.” The thin old individual didn’t look afraid at all._

_“Unless I take you first” Castiel threatened, anger boiling in his cold blue eyes._

_“Really bought his own press this one.” The old man said, almost rolling his eyes “Please, Cas. I know God.  And you, sir, are no God.”_

_God? Did that old man just say “God”?_

_By hearing the argument in that memory, Castiel thought about how idiotic it sounded.  That man said he knew God. God? Really? And he also told his other self that “he was no God”, which meant that he, somehow, though at that time that he was God... or something like it. But believing himself as God was as idiotic as this argument._

_Since those strange dreams/memories had started, Castiel had been trying to convince himself that those images and scenarios were no other than hallucinations.  So, if this dream right now was indeed part of his disturbed imagination, it was really preposterous.  And if it wasn’t, he was wondering what in Christ’s name could have made him believe himself as God._

_Nevertheless, the next voice he heard was Dean’s voice.  The young man seemed to be terrified of both arguing men in front of him._

_“All right, put your junk away, both of you.”  said Dean, with his voice full of desperation, directing his words to the thin old man  “Look, call him what you want.  Just kill him now!”_

_At that order, both Castiels glared at Dean at the same time.  However, the Castiel in the memory had a look of fury, betrayal and hate in his cold blue eyes, while the real Cas was confused and scared._

_“Just kill him now!”_

_That phrase started to repeat itself several times in the angel’s head at the same instant the scene in front of him dissipated._

_“Just kill him now, kill him now, kill him now, kill him now, KILL HIM NOW!!”_

_Dean’s voice was replaced by a woman’s voice.  Castiel remembered that before going to sleep he had talked to one of his kidnappers.  It was a woman named Epinoia.  She seemed to hate him, but Cas didn’t know why._

_Epinoia’s voice and her face was the only thing Castiel could see in that particular memory.  After all, since he was kidnapped he had felt as if he was drugged all the time.  His surroundings were never clear for him, except for voices and faces._

_“Dean Winchester is the cause of your disgrace, Castiel.” Said Epinoia, with a voice almost maternal but the subtle wicked tone was easily felt by the dreaming angel “You lost your home and your family because of him.  And then, after all your loss, he abandoned you.  He used you as a tool.  For him you were just a weapon that he could use at his whim.  He said you were like a ‘brother’ to him, but that was a LIE, Castiel.”_

_“How do you know it was a lie?” asked the youngest seraph, who was desperate to know about the people in his past._

_“I know it because of what he did later.  Didn’t he threaten you?”_

_Castiel remembered then about a conversation in one of those memories.  A conversation with Dean:_

_“Next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family, and you are like a brother to me, so if I'm asking you not to do something…You gotta trust me, man.”_

_That was what Dean had said... but then..._

_“Or what?”_

_There it was.  That was the daring question he had made to Dean._

_“Then I'll have to do what I have to do to stop you”_

_Dean threatened him.  It was the truth.  Epinoia wasn’t lying.  Remembering that felt as if someone plugged a knife in his chest.  It was painful. Castiel cared for that man named Dean, even if he didn’t had most of his memories about him._

_“Do you see it now, Castiel?” asked Epinoia, with a smile of triumph in his lips “He was going to kill you.  That is not something you do to a brother.  Dean Winchester believes that family is important, but you are NOT his family.  You are not his flesh and blood.  You are nothing to him.  He just considered you as a THING that he could use for his own benefit.  He didn’t consider you as anything more than that.  He didn’t care about your problems, about your feelings, about your pain or even your joy.  He just didn’t care.  And do you know the most painful fact in all this issue?  You loved him, Castiel.  That is the most painful fact.  You loved him, you cared for him, you sacrificed your blood, your flesh and your well-being for him, and he just didn’t care.”_

_The Castiel of the memory and the one who was witnessing it looked sad.  The dreamer avoided the tears that wanted to escape from his eyes.  He didn’t want to spill his tears for somebody who didn’t care about him._

_“So... I don’t have a home, do I?” asked the Castiel of the memory, almost afraid of the answer._

_“No, you don’t, Castiel.” Said Epinoia, flatly “You have no family, you have no home.  You are alone in the world.”_

_“I want to go to the streets.” Castiel said, with a broken voice “That is my place to be.  I have been in the streets for five months now and I know how to survive there.”_

_“You can’t go there, Castiel.”  answered Epinoia “You are getting sicker every day.  You are going to die if you go to the streets.”_

_“And I suppose you are going to take care of me?”_

_“Not me.  My boss.”_

_“What does she want with me?”_

_“She wants to help you.”_

_“I suppose that I don’t have a choice on this issue, right?”_

_“No, you don’t.  You are stuck here, Castiel.”_

Castiel woke up and his vision was blurry.  He noticed that he was in a different place.  This was a barn.  The way the place smelled told the angel that he was in the country.

Cas’s wrists and ankles were secured with the usual shackles his kidnappers had put him on the first day of his abduction, but now his arms were behind his back.  He was laying on his side, on a pile of haystack, completely naked, only a sheet covering his pale and skinny body.

He tried to get up from the pile of haystack when he felt a sharp pain over his belly button where he could see a strange mark the size of a dime.  The mark was reddish and itchy.  He was sure that his kidnapper had put that mark there... but with what purpose?

Whatever it was, Castiel was too tired to find out about it.  He wanted to sleep.  He wanted to rest.  The malnourishment he had been suffering made him feel so exhausted.  So, the weak angel just closed his eyes and his world went to black again.

 

 

 

 

 **~** ** **~**

 

 

Sam and Dean got out of the Impala and went directly to the door of a modest house in the quiet neighborhood where they had parked.

They didn’t need to knock because a girl opened the door and let them inside.  The girl was blonde and beautiful and she had blue eyes.  Dean noticed that her eyes were just like her father’s.  The look on them had the same softness that Jimmy Novak had.  It was very different from Castiel’s eyes.  Even though Jimmy and Castiel were in the same flesh, the look in the eyes and the facial expression was different in each of the two individuals.

And now the Winchester brothers were talking to Jimmy’s legacy, his daughter Claire Novak.

The kid told the bros what she had seen on the evening when she spotted Castiel in that cold alley where the angel was seeking shelter, including the fact that a stranger had taken the helpless seraph to an unknown location.

 

-Are you sure he is the same Cas? –asked Dean, whose face was full of worry.

-I could recognize him from miles away. –Claire said, annoyed. –I wouldn´t lie about something like this.  Besides, Castiel is wearing my dad´s body, remember?

-Point taken. –replied Dean.

-So, this woman who took Cas, can you describe her? –asked Sam, who was as worried as his brother was.

-Well, she had dark skin, her hair was long and black and her eyes were brown, but the look on them freaked me out.  And she seemed pissed, even when she tried to hide it from Castiel.  I guess she didn’t want to scare him and preferred him to go with her on his own free will.

-Dark skin, black hair and freaky look in the eyes. –recited Sam –I can’t think of any...  Oh no!

-What’s wrong, Sammy? –asked Dean.

-Raphael.

-The Ninja Turtle angel?

-Who else?  Last time we saw him he was wearing a lady, remember?

-Damn it! –growled Dean while he rubbed his hair with his fingers.

-Castiel must be saved. –said a fourth and uninvited voice in the room.  The Winchesters and the Novak girl stared at the one who had spoken.  It was a man who seemed to be on his early thirties, he was thin, had long dark hair and green eyes.  He was wearing a dark suit.

 

-Sam and Dean Winchester and Claire Novak. –said that man, acknowledging the brothers and the girl –My name is Inias.

-You’re an angel. –said Dean with an annoyed look in his eyes. For his part, Sam was trying to get a hidden angel-sword out of his bag. 

-Yes. –answered the celestial with a smooth voice. –And the hostility is not necessary.

-Yeah, right. –spat Dean, while Sam stopped in his attempt to get the sword.

-It is the truth.  My only wish is to see my brother Castiel safe.

-And why would you want him to be safe? –now it was Sam who asked the question, obviously annoyed with the angel as his brother was.

-Because he isn’t just my brother.  He is my friend too, and he used to be my superior.  I know what he did in Heaven; I was there when it happened.

-And you didn’t hate him for that?

-Of course not.  What he did was harsh, terrible and radical, but it was also the only way to avoid another Apocalypse.  Raphael was tearing us apart.  No one who didn’t pledge their allegiance to him was safe.  He killed a lot of angels.  He killed even more angels than Castiel did on his rampage against Raphael’s soldiers and the sinners of Earth.  There were thousands of angels lost in the Holy War and Castiel was the ultimate sacrifice.  Everything he did... his deal with an abomination such as the king of Hell was something Castiel didn’t do for his own benefit but for the Earth’s and Heaven’s welfare. It was not the right thing to do, but I can’t blame Castiel for it.  He was desperate.  Raphael was stronger than him, and you two have already seen the results of Raphael’s wrath against Castiel in the past.

 

Sam and Dean couldn’t forget it.  It had happened on that day when they were looking for Castiel, a little after he had rebelled against Heaven and before the rise of Lucifer.  Castiel was killed then, and the Winchesters saw the results of that carnage the day after.  They went to the house of the prophet Chuck Shurley and they saw a massacre there.   Blood and flesh were splattered all over the prophet’s home.  It was Castiel’s remains.  His entire being had been literally exploded by the wrathful archangel Raphael.  That was a very horrific scenario.

 

-I understand that you’re upset with Castiel, Dean Winchester. –continued Inias –You have all the right to be angry at him because of what he did to your brother and the betrayal he did to you and to your family.   But I also know there is no one in Heaven capable enough to understand Castiel as well as you do. I know you consider him part of your own family.  So, I believe you would want him to be safe as much as I want.

-I thought he was dead. –Dean said, with a low voice – Castiel died in that warehouse.  That fog-creature killed him.

-He died, and he was brought back again, by our Father’s hand. –stated Inias –He has been chosen by God to be the one who could save this world and Heaven.

-You know it for a fact? –asked Sam.

-I know it because that is how it is. –replied the soft-spoken angel –There is a huge burden on Castiel’s shoulders.  Been chosen is not something easy.  I know now that Castiel was chosen since long before Lucifer rose from the Cage.  He was chosen when he saved you from Hell, Dean Winchester.  Many angels went to Hell to your rescue, but it was Castiel who did it at the end.  When he laid a hand on you for the first time he made a bond with you.   Since then, Castiel had been saving this world and Heaven in one way or another, with your help.  So I know you can help him again.  Castiel needs you as much as you need him.

-Where is him? –asked Dean in an almost broken voice.  His eyes were glassy and his facial expression was affected by grief.

-We have been trying to locate him, but the only thing we got so far is that Castiel is in this town, but we cannot find the exact address where Castiel was taken.  Raphael and his followers are powerful enough to hide themselves from us.

-So what do we do? – asked Dean, whose anger and desperation was starting to rise.

-Do not fear for Castiel, Dean Winchester. –Inias said, noticing Dean’s uneasiness – There are two angels searching for him at this same moment.  They are very capable and I am sure they would find him soon.

-No, they won’t. –said a female’s voice.  Epinoia had appeared in the Novak’s house, a couple of meters from where Inias was standing, with an overconfident demeanor.

-Epinoia! –exclaimed Inias, while the Winchesters and the Novak girl retreated.

-Hello Inias. –said the female angel, with a mocking tone – I can see you are helping the monkeys.

-They are not monkeys. –growled Inias, upset.

-And I can see that you have learnt very well the teachings of your former superior.  Now you help and defend the monkeys.  Good for you, Inias!

-Where is Castiel? –Inias tone and his facial expression was very different now than it was when he was talking to the Winchesters.  Anger was filling the clear green eyes and the voice of the angel.

-Do you really think I would tell you that?

-I am asking the questions here, not you! –stated Inias, furious.

-I don’t want to do this, brother –Epinoia’s tone changed in that moment.  Now she was deadly serious –; but if you insist in helping the monkeys and searching for Castiel I will have to kill you.  Those are Raphael’s orders.

-If you are going to kill me, you will have to fight me first. –Inias was ready, with his sword in hand.

-Very well. –Epinoia said, and in the blink of an eye she threw a shot of white light to Inias chest, rendering him unconscious while blood was pouring from his mouth; nevertheless, he was still holding his sword.  The poor celestial never expected that kind of attack.

 

The brothers and Claire were scared to death, but they tried to stay calm, watching with wide eyes to both angels.

 

-Did you kill him? –asked Dean, who seemed concerned for Inias.  The eyes of the hunter were invaded by anger and fear.

-Not yet. –answered the despicable female holy being –  But he will be dead after I finish my job with you, Dean Winchester.

 

Sam tried to move; however, in the blink of an eye he was flying across the Novaks’ living room, crashing against an old glass-and-wood table.  The young Winchester remained sprawled on the floor in a mix of broken glass and torn wood and was unconscious instantly.

 

-Sammy! –screamed Dean, however, the next he knew was that the aggressive angel had two fingers over his forehead.

 

Suddenly, Dean felt as his whole world started to get easier.  Everything was so simple now and he felt he could do whatever he wanted.  He also didn’t care about anything anymore.  He didn’t care about his pain for losing Castiel, he didn’t care that his brother Sam was unconscious and beaten on the floor, a few steps from him, he didn’t care about the angel who had tried to help them and now was injured and comatose on the floor alongside Sam’s unconscious form, and neither he cared about the scared Claire, who seemed so terrified with all that matter.  He also didn’t give a damn about the angel who had attacked them.  She could touch his forehead all the times she wanted.  She could smite him if she wanted.  She could torture and kill him and kill all the members of his short family if she wanted.  Dean just didn’t give a rat’s ass about anything or anyone.  It was as if his heart was shut, making him unable to feel emotions.  Nevertheless, there was only desire inside him.  He was craving for pleasure, and Epinoia was not going to deny it to him.  She was going to put Dean Winchester on the right path.

One more touch on his forehead and Dean and the evil angel disappeared.

 

-Sam? –said Claire a few seconds after Epinoia and Dean were gone –Sam, are you okay?

-He is... h-he... he is unconscious. –answered Inias with difficulty, coughing and trying to get up from the floor, failing miserably at the attempt.

-Inias? –asked Claire, worried.  She feared that the two beings on the floor could be severely injured.

-Are y-you... okay, child?

-I’m fine.  The question is, are YOU okay?

-My grace is shocked and... a little damaged, but I will heal... after I get some rest.

-What about Sam?

 

Inias made an enormous effort to rise himself, sitting on the ground, but he was still dizzy and trembling and his body bobbled as if he was drunk.  The injured angel touched Sam’s forehead with two fingers.  And then the young hunter flinched and opened his eyes.

 

-Welcome back, Sam. –said Claire, with a light smile.  She was glad that the man and the angel were awoken.

-W-what... what the hell happened? –Sam was shocked with the recent events, as much as the two people that were staring at him.

-Epinoia. –replied Inias –She is a loyal soldier of Raphael, but she’s also insane.  She would do everything in her power to feed her twisted desires.  She has a lot of hatred inside her, and she wants to get revenge from all the beings she hates so much.  One of those beings is Castiel, and to get revenge from him she took Dean.

-But why? –asked Sam, scared of what could happen to his older sibling.

-Because Dean is very attached to Castiel. He cares about him.  Epinoia wants to break the bond our brothers share.

-How?

-I believe you won’t like the answer to that question, Sam. –Inias’ tone became somber.  His eyes were sad, and Sam noticed that the angel also seemed embarrassed.

-What... what is it? –the younger Winchester had been prepared for almost everything in his life.  However, he wondered if this time he could deal with the angel’s answer. –What will she use against them?

-Rape. –Inias said in almost a whisper.

 

The Novak house went dead silent then.

 

 

 

  

 **~** ** **~**

Epinoia stared at Castiel as he started to move over the pile of haystack, awakening from his sleep again.  The young seraph stared back at her as soon as he was aware of his surroundings.

 

-You are here. –said the male angel, with a rough voice. –Where is the lady? Where is Raphaella?

-Castiel. –she called him. She ignored the questions of his trapped brother – You have a visitor.

-A visitor? –asked the seraph, looking everywhere around him.

-He is outside, Castiel. –stated Epinoia when she saw the young angel searching for the visitor.

-Who is it? – Cas seemed really nervous.

-It is Dean Winchester.

-So... he is _actually_ real?

-Of course.  What did you think?

-I thought he was part of a hallucination.

-Oh no, Castiel.  This is reality, child.  Dean is real, and so are the things he did to you.  The threats, the abandonment, the fact that he tried to kill you... _everything!_

-Why is he here?

-He came here to claim you.  More specifically, he came to claim your _virginity_.

 

It took a few seconds to Castiel’s brain to process what he just had heard.  It couldn’t be true.  The man who wanted to kill him in his past was there somewhere, eager to claim him, to claim his purity.  Also, the youngest seraph was shocked because he didn’t know he was a virgin.  He thought about the issue and it almost made him laugh. Supposedly, he was in his mid-thirties or something; his body and face indicated that age in him.  It was preposterous the fact that he was a virgin at his 34 or 35 years old.

 

-Am I really a...?

-Yes, Castiel, you are, and now Dean Winchester will take that purity away from you. –Epinoia’s smile was very vile then –You can come in, human.

 

Before the terrified gaze of the youngest seraphim of Heaven, the hunter Dean Winchester appeared in the door of the barn.  The look in his eyes was invaded with lust and need.  The blonde boy glanced at the angel and a light smile curved his lips.  It was a triumphant smile.

 

-Hi, Cas. –said Dean, with a soft voice –You have no idea how much I’ve been waiting for this moment.

-W-what do y-you want? –Castiel asked, but he already knew the answer.  He just wanted to hear it from the man of his memories.  He wanted to know for sure that this guy really didn’t give a damn about him and that he only wanted Castiel to use him as a tool or a weapon.

-I want you, Castiel. –Dean said, simply and solemnly –I desire you, Cas.  I’ve desired you since you put your hands over my soul to rescue me from Hell.  And now... now you will be _mine_.

 

 

**********

 

 

 

      

 

 


	7. Lust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ve wanted this since I first saw you, Cas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note:  
> 1 COMMENTS AND KUDOS ARE VERY WELCOME. Your opinion is very important and inspiring  
> 2 The story will be updated every one or two weeks FROM NOW ON. If I update late sometimes is because I'm sick. I suffer from Crohn's disease, and that causes me a lot of troubles. But I will do my best effort to update the fanfic in time.  
> Thanks for your understanding and thank you for reading!

**Title:** Lust

 **Author:** Lizaredlion

 **Characters/Pairings:** pre-Dean/Castiel, Sam, God/Chuck Shurley, Death, Claire Novak, Inias, OC.

 **Rating:** NC17—M

 **Word Count:** 3840

 **Warnings:** Language, violence, blood, kidnapping, sexual assault, non/con.

 

 

__

 

**~** ** **~**

_Somewhere in the universe_

_October 18, 2011_

 

A dark-skinned guy in a black suit was sitting in one of many chairs of a theater.  He wasn’t looking at the woman in the stage who was dancing in a pink dress.  This man simply had his eyes closed.  He was watching something inside his mind.  He stayed that way for a few minutes, until he opened his eyes again, with a look of fury on them. 

The man got up from his chair to the exit of the theater and disappeared in the blink of an eye.

  

**~** ** **~**

 

_Aberdeen, Washington_

There was a man walking in a big forest close to a mountain.  This man was with a young kid, talking.

 

-Today I will teach you about wood, Kyle. –said the grey-haired man.  He was tall and even when he seemed to be more than 50, the guy surely looked strong.

-Wood comes from the trees, grandpa. –answered the blonde and grey-eyed kid who looked no more than 12 years old.

-Yes, Kyle; but we have to cut the tree first.  I’m gonna teach you how to cut a tree.

-But grandpa, everybody knows how to cut a tree. –said the kid, enthusiastic –  I can cut a tree!

-Okay. –said the man, giving his machete to his grandson –Try with this one.

 

The man pointed his finger to a tall and fat tree.  The kid seemed worried, but he wanted to prove his grandpa that he could do it. 

Kyle hit the sharp edge of his grandpa’s machete against the tree, damaging it instantaneously. 

And then, it happened...

 

The tree looked as if it was alive.  The roots held the kids’ legs and dragged him slowly to the ground where they were buried.  Kyle screamed for help, but his grandpa was being held by another of this monster trees, but the roots were around the old man’s neck, squeezing so hard until his eyeballs went flying across the place.  The boy saw how his now dead grandfather was dragged into the ground and then he saw a blood bath.  Kyle screeched, horrified, as his struggling body was almost under the ground and the sight of his grandpa’s blood was the last thing the kid saw.   

**~** ** **~**

_The Southern Andes_

_Chile_

 

-I just don’t understand you sometimes, Chuck –said Death, who was watching the thick snow on the mountains surrounding them.  They were standing in one of the tallest.

-That’s strange, coming from you, D. –replied God, who was sitting on the snow, Indian style.  –I thought you knew me well.

-And I do.  But when it comes to that kid of yours, you become another person.

-Castiel deserves my attention, D. –Chuck seemed ashamed and his companion noted this but he chose not to say anything – I never gave him the attention he needed when he was a fledgling.  I knew he was special but I never prepared him for his destiny.

-Do you really thrust him to succeed in the big mission? –Death seemed a little bit concerned, but it was barely evident. 

-Yes.  –affirmed the deity –Why shouldn’t I?

-Because he’s getting weaker and confused.  Once he knows about the oncoming war, he will be really scared.

-Yes, he will be scared, but he won’t give up. –Chuck smiled softly – He never gives up.

-I never said he would give up. –Death snorted while he was watching the snow on his shoes as if it was more interesting than the subject they were currently talking about.

-So what?

-I say I don’t trust him to succeed in the mission.  Maybe he won’t give up, but he won’t try to survive either, and the success of this mission depends on your kid’s survival.

-Why do you think he won’t try it?

-Because he’s alone in the world and that affects him.  That child values other people’s support and company too much.

-He grew up amongst thousands of his brothers and sisters, so it’s only logical that he enjoys and needs company and support.  Besides, he has the Winchesters and Bobby Singer.  They are his friends.

-Are you sure of that?

-Yes. 

-Maybe Sam and Bobby. –said Death, doubtful –  But Dean?  That kid is a mess, and he keeps a huge grudge against Castiel.

-I know that. –God didn’t look worried.

-You know how stubborn Dean could be.  You created him.

-Yes, and I also knew that the relationship between him and Cas wasn’t going to be a ride in the park.

-But now Castiel needs him badly.  He needs him more than anything.

-And?

-Dean is an ass, Chuck. He will try to push Castiel away from him, and that will affect that child.  Besides I know your son is a natural martyr.  Once he remembers about what he did five months ago, he will believe that he deserves any kind of punishment the world could offer to him, even if it’s as disturbing as the idea of getting himself eaten alive by a couple of monsters.

-You gave Castiel too little credit, D.

-I’ve seen what desperation can do to him.

-True; but he also can do great things in the middle of a desperate situation; you’ve seen it before, D.  And as far as Dean is concerned, I know that many times he could be an insufferable dick, however, he’s the man who puts his family first than anything, and Castiel actually is part of his family, with all his mistakes.

-For the sake of this little planet I hope you are right. –Death sighed as he rubbed the back of his head.

-I am right. –Chuck smiled widely. –You’ll see.

 

 

 **~** ** **~**

 

_Outside Bright Star Town_

_Harrison Farm_

_Oregon_

 

Castiel was terrified. He thought he was going to be raped and killed in a few more minutes.  He would die with only a few distorted memories in his head about a bitter past.  In these memories, this man who was right now in front of him and who used to be his friend, supposedly turned his back on him and even tried to kill him.

 

Dean got close to his prey and touched the skin of his arm with one hand while the other hand caressed Castiel’s dark and messy hair.  The angel had his arms behind his back and that made him impossible to defend himself in any way.

 

-Please... sir... do not do this. –pleaded Castiel, but Dean only smiled at the angel.

-Don’t worry, Cas. –said the hunter.  The pupils of his green eyes were blown wide – I’ll make you feel good.

-No, please...

-I’ll fuck you nice and proper, Cas.  You won’t want another guy after you had felt what I’m gonna make you feel.

-No...

-Shut up. –Dean’s firm hand went directly to the celestial’s mouth, silencing him. –Just enjoy it.

-You can gag him if you want. –said Epinoia, with an evil grin, giving Dean a dark handkerchief –Put this on his mouth.

 

Dean took the piece of cloth and gagged the scared Castiel with it while he was looking at the hunter with pleading eyes, but he didn’t care about the angel’s feelings, just as he didn’t care about anything at all under Epinoia’s mind control spell. 

The hunter caressed tenderly the holy creature’s stubble and then his greedy hands were sliding down over Cas' smooth chest, taking everything without asking.  Cas’ muffled whimpers weren’t moving the blonde hunter at all, but they seemed to arouse him instead.  Dean noticed the desperation in the celestial’s bright blue eyes.

 

-Shhh –soothed Dean –Don’t be afraid.  I’m not gonna hurt you, Cas.  I’m gonna pleasure you.  I’ve wanted this since I first saw you, Cas.

 

Dean started to stroke the holy being’s lower abdomen while he was sucking and licking the little hole of his navel.  Cas’ response was on his skin, goosebumps decorating the pale surface of the angel’s body, as he flinched and started to tremble uncontrollably.  He was terrified; however, he also felt something warm and delicious every time Dean moved his hand and his tongue over his navel and lower belly.  He didn’t know why he was feeling this and that fact scared him even more.

 

-You’re so afraid, baby. –said Dean, giving small kisses to Castiel’s pale belly –  But you have nothing to be afraid of.  I’ll take good care of you. 

 

Castiel shook his head helplessly as he squirmed under the hands of his attacker.

Dean put a wide smile on his face while his hand went up from the lower belly to the angel’s stomach and then the hunter attacked again Cas’ belly button with his mouth.  The victim whimpered as the skin on his face, chest and neck became reddish.

Dean licked his old friend’s umbilicus for a few more minutes and then his hand went back to stroke his lower belly.  Castiel’s whimpers were louder than before and he arched his back slightly.

 

-I can see this is a delicate zone in your body, baby. –stated Dean with a soft laugh and Cas shook his head fervently –C’mon Cas, just look at how you’re responding to my touch.

 

The young hunter’s tongue and mouth went up, kissing, licking and sucking the skin in its way until it got to the tender neck of the angel.  Dean used his lips and tongue over the angelic creature’s pulse point, working on it very gently.  The hunter almost could feel the speed of Castiel’s blood running through his carotid artery while the pulse was throbbing under Dean’s mouth.

 

-Wow! Look at you, little angel. –Dean said, his voice husky with pleasure – Your heart is very fucking excited with my touch.  I can almost hear it as if I were a fucking vampire.

 

Dean took the gag off the angel and immediately kissed him, exploring Cas’ mouth with his tongue.  However, the holy being wasn’t responding to the hunter’s kiss and this bothered Dean a little bit.  So, to get the angel’s attention, the boy lowered one of his hands to the creature’s groin, squeezing his exposed and soft cock gently and Cas gasped as Dean began stroking the penis with smooth movements of his hand.

 

-Do you want to see his wings? –asked the female angel behind the terrible scene.

-Can he show them? –Dean said, skeptical.  He was still massaging Castiel’s genitals, while the angel was breathing fast and trying to keep himself quiet.  He lost the battle right away.

-With a few right words, I can make them appear. –affirmed Epinoia getting close to the terrified Castiel and his attacker.

-They won’t hurt my eyes?

-The wings are not in his full potential due to the fact that his human and angelic systems are compromised.  So, no, they won’t hurt you.

-Well then, fuck yeah, I wanna see ‘em.

-Let me do it then.

-He’s all yours. –Dean stopped touching his old friend’s skin and then put himself aside.

 

First, Epinoia took the shackles off of Castiel’s wrist, freeing his arms from the uncomfortable position in which they were being held behind the seraph’s back and then she put the shackles back again, but this time his arms were ahead of him.  Next, she began to chant the same words Raphael had said in that ritual when the archangel wanted to cure the young celestial’s wings.  But this time, the female angel didn’t chant the words several times.  The ritual worked quickly.  Epinoia pulled Castiel from his arms to a sitting position to allow his wings to unfold from his back.  The seraph felt as if he had a bag filled with a bunch of stones hanging from each one of his shoulder blades.  It was the second time Cas could see his own wings in his amnesic state, however, this was the first time he could remember seeing them because Raphael had erased Castiel’s memories of the time when he partially healed his wings and when the seraph semi unconsciously tugged himself. 

But now he was aware of everything, and suddenly he started to laugh at the huge, white and bright appendages flapping and twitching behind him.  Dean was amazed watching the white beauties, and Epinoia was just annoyed with his brother’s reaction.

 

-What in God’s name is this? –asked Castiel when his nervous laughter had died in his throat.  Fear was now filling his voice and his eyes again.

-These are your wings, Cas. –said Dean, whose awed eyes were glued on the creature’s snow-white plumage. –They are so beautiful.

-I am not a bird! –shouted Castiel, almost hysteric. –Birds have wings! I am a man!

-He is all yours again. –said Epinoia, letting go of her baby brother’s arms, and then Dean held him.

-He’s mine. –whispered the hunter while he was seeing the angel’s feathers twitching at the same time their owner started to panic.

So, Dean flipped Cas on his stomach, earning a surprised yelp from his victim.  The celestial’s shackled arms were above his head and his face laid to his side, watching Dean while he was working on his body.

The hunter took his time to admire the shining plumage of his old friend.  However, some of the feathers looked dirty, partially torn apart or burnt, and the skin of the wings had several old scars, one of them was really ugly.  

Suddenly, Dean noticed that the radiant light on the feathers started to decrease in front of his eyes.

 

-What’s wrong with your plumes, baby? –asked Dean with a soft and lusty voice –They look damaged and the brightness is disappearing.

-I... I do not... know. –replied Castiel, with trembling voice.

-As I said before –interrupted Epinoia –, his human body and angelic essence are in a poor state and that is the reason why his wings don’t shine as they should.  When they appear in this plane of existence their brightness disappears. 

-My poor baby.  –said Dean, touching one large and soft feather with the tip of one of his fingers so smoothly that Cas didn’t register the touch. –You are so frail.

 

Castiel, as all angels, had a particular scent.  Even when they used a vessel, the smell didn’t fade.  Nevertheless, the scent could be concealed by the angel, but they couldn’t hide the smell of their wings.

The hunter perceived the aroma of the holy creature in front of him and he liked it; it had a hint of ozone, forests and the scent of rain on dry earth.

 

 -D-did you l-love me? –asked Castiel nervously, taking Dean and Epinoia by surprise. 

The seraph had noted that every time Dean touched his skin he could feel something else besides the fear of being raped.  The celestial could feel something pleasant, something warm, something pure... 

Was that love? 

Maybe it was, but if that warm feeling was really love that meant Cas was in fact _in love_ with the blonde hunter before he lost his memory.  He wanted to remember everything about it, but his brain was not cooperating.

 

-What are you talking about, Cas? –asked the blonde hunter, puzzled. 

Epinoia had her eyes focused on Dean’s head in that moment.

-It is a... a simple question.  Before I disappeared I was your friend.  Did you...did you love me at that time?

-Why do you ask that? –said Dean, with an annoying smile on his face.

-Because you desire me.  You want to have sex with me now...

-Thank you, captain obvious. –interrupted Dean, rolling his eyes –  Anything else?

-You said you wanted to have sex with me since the beginning of our friendship.  Does that mean that you also loved me?

-You don’t know much about human feelings, as usual.  You’re still a freaking child, Cas.  Just because humans have sex with someone it doesn’t mean that they love that person.

-That means that you didn’t love me. –the angel said, with a hint of melancholy.

-Maybe, or maybe not. –said Dean, coldly –It’s not important now.

-Why not?

-Because you betrayed me, you stupid dick. –said Dean, nonchalant.  

-I...

-You preferred Crowley.  You preferred that demon instead of me and your friends.  You were a bad guy, Cas.  You did a lot of bad things.

 

Castiel didn’t remember who Crowley was.  He didn’t recall anything about a betrayal, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t true.  And if it was true, he was wondering what kind of betrayal he had done.  Dean said he had done a lot of bad things.  Was that the reason why Dean wanted to kill him in the past and maybe now too? In the few memories the angel had seen in his dreams Dean was always upset at him. Maybe he was angry because of the betrayal.

 

 

_“You were a bad guy, Cas”_

 

 

-You deserve this, Cas. –said Dean, rubbing Castiel’s lower spine.

 

If he deserved to be raped by his old friend, that meant he was indeed a _very_ bad guy. 

 

The angel’s feathers were trembling when Dean was touching them.  That kind of contact was sending certain sensation to his groin and lower belly and then it invaded his whole body.  It was a very delicious feeling; it made him whimper, writhe and moan.

Dean flipped Castiel on his back again, trying not to hurt the wings and plumes and then he saw that the creature’s penis was growing on his abdomen. 

 

-Stop... please...   –whispered Castiel between gasps and his rapid heartbeat.

-Shhh, easy, baby. –Dean soothed the scared angel while he put a hand over his pale chest, to get to one of his nipples.  Despite Castiel’s resistance to Dean’s ministrations, his body and even his angelic essence had another opinion about it.  The little reddish mammary glands were full of blood and they darkened a few seconds after Dean’s thumb started caressing them.  Castiel sniveled very smoothly at the touch as his penis twitched.   

Castiel wanted to hit Dean.  He had the opportunity to do it because his hands were tied up to the front of his body; however, he felt his limbs too heavy.  He couldn’t lift his arms and legs.   Something was stopping him.  And his answer was standing a few feet from them.  Castiel saw Epinoia doing something with her hand while she was staring at the helpless angel and then she smiled at him.  Her smile was evil and cold.

 

-What are you? –whispered Castiel, without receiving an answer.  Epinoia just kept smiling at him.

Nevertheless, the seraph was distracted from his current thoughts when he felt something warm and wet on his chest.  Dean was using his mouth in one of his nipples, laving it with his soft tongue, while his hand worked on the other reddish nub.  Dean did this for almost ten minutes, taking turns with his mouth and hand over the nipples.  Dean was always gentle.  He licked and sucked very tenderly to not damage the sensitive little organs.  But also, the blonde Winchester knew exactly where to attack in order to excite his prey, even if the targets were so tiny.  By the time Dean stopped torturing the creature’s nubs, a bit of precum was pooling on Castiel’s belly  

 

-Now it comes the best part of all. –said Dean, rubbing Castiel’s hair. –Fucking.

-No. –the angel shook his head and tears started to roll free from his eyes as Dean watched him impressed.

-I’ve never seen you cry before, Cas. –said Dean in a whisper, gluing his green lusty eyes to the terrified blue ones of his victim. –I’ve seen your eyes when you were sad, but you never shed a tear.

-You want to finish the job. –Castiel said between sobs. –You want to finish what the thin man with the cane couldn’t do.  You want to kill me.

-Not now, Cas.  That was before.

-What did I do to deserve death?

-Like I said, you were a bad guy, Cas.  You did a lot of crazy shit.  I had to stop you.

-And now? What about now?

-Now? Now I just want to fuck you, Cas...

-Dean Winchester! –exclaimed another voice.  It was Inias.  He got close to Dean in a blink of an eye and then he put two fingers in the hunter’s temple, breaking Epinoia’s spell. 

Dean touched his head with his two hands and moaned; he had the mother of the headaches.  But he was Dean Winchester again, and no one was controlling his mind.   He was on his knees as he opened his eyes.

The first thing Dean saw was a pair of terrified blue eyes staring at him.  He was Castiel, the angel who had been his friend for years and now he was looking at him as if the hunter was a crazy killer who wanted to finish him with his own hands.

Dean saw how helpless the angel looked, lying on that pile of haystacks, his pale and lean body naked and trembling.

 

-Please... please, don’t...  –Castiel’s voice was full of fear and impotence.

-Cas... I’m... I’m sorry, man. –said Dean, very anguished, as he took the angel’s face with his hands on his cheeks.  Green eyes were glued to blue eyes. – I was... I was being controlled, Cas.  She was controlling me.  I didn’t know what I was doing.

 

Castiel broke visual contact with the hunter and put his eyes in one of the corners of the barn.  There were a few people in that place; two of them were a man and a woman wearing dark suites, fighting with his kidnapper by throwing white light from their hands to their enemy’s chest. 

Wait a second... throwing white light? What the hell was happening there? 

 

He saw his kidnapper defending herself with the same “weapon” of her opponents, and then the seraph understood when Dean had told him that he was being controlled.  

So, his kidnapper was a supernatural being?

 

Castiel also noticed there were three other people in the barn.  One was a blonde girl with a sad look on her electric blue eyes.  She was no more than 15 years old.  The other was a very tall young man with long dark hair who seemed very concerned.  He had seen that man before. 

Was he part of his memories?

The other was a shorter boy; he was wearing a dark suit, just like the two individuals that were fighting with his kidnapper.  But this kid was trying to protect the tall boy and the girl, shielding them with his own body from any attack the seraph’s kidnapper could throw to them. 

But who the hell uses its own body as a shield against such power? Was that kid insane?

And then the angel felt an awful, sharp pain in his navel.  He screamed in pain and after a few seconds he was losing his consciousness.  He heard that man Dean calling his name desperately and that was the last thing his ears could perceive.  The seraph entered to the realm of dreams, the burning pain in his abdomen disappearing from his senses.

 

 

**********

 

 

 


	8. Stars and Feathers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “From the stars and its incandescent light and from the feathers of the Father of all things; the fledglings are born in Heaven.”

**Title:** Stars and Feathers

 **Author:** Lizaredlion

 **Characters/Pairings:** pre Dean/Castiel, Sam, Bobby, Claire Novak, Amelia Novak, Death, God-Chuck Shurley, Inias, Hester, Samandriel.

 **Rating:** NC17—M

 **Word Count:** 6182

 **Warnings:** Language, blood, God issues.

 

 

 

****

**~** ** **~**

_Amazon River_

_Peru_

_October 19, 2011_

_Early morning_

 

 

Chuck was sitting in the muddy bank of the vast known Amazon River, watching the insects and the animals in the dark, moving freely across the jungle and the water, ignorant of their creator’s presence.

The maximum deity was thoughtful.  Millions of things developed inside his holy and powerful head every day.  Nevertheless, in that very moment he only used his head for one thing: To relive a happy memory.  It was a memory of Heaven.  It was a memory of his parenthood. 

 

_“Parenthood”_

Chuck laughed softly to himself in that moment when he thought of his parenthood.

He considered himself one of the worst parents ever in the history of the universe.  Seeing the state of Heaven at the time and also the fates of thousands of his angelic children, were prove enough to him that his parenting skills were terribly lousy.

However, for one minute he wanted to forget that he was a bad father.  For one minute he just wanted to remind himself that he wasn’t just a deity with a lot of troubled children, but a daddy who has a lot of love to give to his own creatures.

_“My heart breaks for you”_

 

God thought that was exactly what Dean Winchester would say to him in a sarcastic way if he knew about his feelings.  And maybe his wayward human child would be right in been sneering at him.  The older Winchester had been suffering dangers and pains since he was just 4 years old.  He was a tender creature who deserved a kind, loving life; however, destiny and free will changed that little child’s life, turning it into a nightmare. 

But not everything was bad for Dean; it was true that pain was always present in his young life; nevertheless, it was also true that there were great things lightening his existence.  There was his little brother Sam, the boy who became Dean’s only friend while both of them were growing up.  They shared their tears and pains together, but they also shared their happiness and good moments.

Another good thing in Dean’s life was Bobby Singer.  There was this man, a widower who was one of the countless surviving victims of the demons’ evil ways; this man who in several times took care of these two boys that weren’t his own blood but that he loved them as such; this man who did more for Dean and Sam Winchester than their own father ever did.

But next to Sam and Bobby, there was another living being that was a big light in Dean’s dark existence.  This being was not Dean’s blood; it wasn’t even part of the same species as the hunter.  However, the two creatures were so alike.  They were raised in different worlds but the problems and pains they went through while they were growing up were almost the same to both of them.  This being was Castiel, the last angel created by God, The Little Seraph; this winged child was Dean’s best friend.  Dean and Castiel formed a very strong connection since the angel rescued the hunter’s soul from Hell.  It was a bond that Chuck strongly believed that would never break.  After all, the meeting and profound friendship of these creatures was prophesized since before Castiel was created.

Cas and Dean were completely ignorant of that fact, but soon they would find out about it.  Perhaps that new information would make things better or worse between them; nevertheless, what was very sure was that such truth would cause a great impact in the lives of the hunter and the angel.

 

Chuck closed his eyes in that moment, and he remembered two things.  The first one was when he was in the middle of the Garden in Heaven, holding a fragile baby angel in his arms.  He had a humanoid form; he was shining and semi-translucent, and his limbs were thin and long.  In his belly he had a ball of grace, half white light and half pure fire.  This holy babe of big and bright blue eyes without irises was fluttering his two fragile and tiny white wings with great joy.

The second thing Chuck remembered was when he was watching a human newborn baby boy in his crib.  He was beautiful, he had white and soft skin, his head was almost bald and his eyes were green as if they were two emeralds.  God held the baby in his arms and he fell asleep on them soon after.

 

The deity smiled with those memories.

 _“Castiel and Dean, joined by destiny”_ That’s what he thought.       

 

 

**~** ** **~**

 

_Sioux Falls, South Dakota_

_Singer Salvage Yard_

_October 19, 2011_

_Early morning_

 

Bobby Singer was asleep in his bedroom.  He had a very difficult day.  The presence of angels in his living room that past afternoon had put him very nervous.  There were three of them, one female and two males, and they were wearing the vessels of a young man, a middle-aged woman, and a teen boy. 

It was no secret that Bobby didn’t trust the celestials.  Dean and Sam didn’t trust them either.  But when the old hunter saw the limp body that Dean had in his arms, he completely forgot about the holy individuals invading his place...

 

_That past Afternoon_

_October 18, 2011_

 

Castiel, the little nerdy angel who had been Dean’s best friend and part of the blonde hunter’s family—Bobby’s family—; was hanging helpless and unconscious in Dean’s strong arms, wrapped in a white sheet to cover his naked body.  The celestial creature looked pale, scrawnier and malnourished.  His face had light stubble and his dark hair was messier than usual.  It seemed that Castiel had been through a rough time.

Nevertheless, it was a surprise to see the angel alive and in one piece.  After all, he saw the poor holy being die in front of his own eyes, in a very painful and horrific way.  Bobby could recall the macabre crunch of Castiel’s bones and the sound of flesh tearing inside the still living angel’s body; such acts perpetrated by those two fog-like terrifying things from Purgatory.   Bobby and the boys even made a funeral pyre for the dead angel, burning Cas’ remains, leaving only ashes in the wind.

But now he was alive again.  Cas was back after almost half a year of having lost him.

 

The other angels had brought Sam and Dean and two women with them.  One of the females was a teen girl and the other was a woman who seemed to be in her late thirties.

Bobby noticed that the older female was looking at the unconscious Castiel with despite, while the kid looked at the helpless angel with concern and compassion.

 

-You’re going to explain this mess to me, young lady. –said the older woman to the teen, in a low voice, ignoring the rest of the people in the house. –I was working in the office, but suddenly I’m in a different place, alongside strangers.  And you’re not in the school either!

-I know you’re upset, mom; but there was no other choice. –replied the kid –  We were in danger!

-Of course we were in danger! With that... that _thing_ close to us it was obvious that we’re going to be in danger, Claire!

 

Bobby was trying to remember who those women were and why the mom had so much hatred in her eyes while she was looking at Castiel’s limp body.

 

-He’s sick. –said the teen girl to her mother, with grief in her voice, while she was watching at Dean and Sam who were carefully accommodating the unconscious angel on Bobby’s couch. –I don’t know if he could survive in that state.

-Sick? –asked the mother, surprised.  –Angels can get sick?

-He’s not entirely an angel, mom.  Part of his grace is contaminated and that takes away his powers and makes him almost human.

-Contaminated?  Contaminated with what?

-Parasites.   They are ancient supernatural parasites.  They feed from him.  They take part of his fluids, his fat tissue and his grace.

-They’re eating him alive? –Amelia was disgusted with the fact that a bunch of filthy bugs were feeding from a living thing’s flesh , even if that thing was the same creature she couldn’t stand.

-Yeah. –Claire was as disgusted as her mother with that idea –Those bugs are killing him and he’s too weak to battle them.

-And how do you know all these things, honey?

-Because I’m his vessel; I can perceive a grand part of his feelings and sensations.  He’s been in pain since a few months back. 

-He’s too thin. –the mother said when Cas was stripped from the white sheet that was wrapping him.  She saw the creature’s body in a very poor state.  The ribs were visible under the pale flesh that she almost could count them.  His clavicles and hip bones looked very sharp. –I never saw Jimmy in such condition.

-He is not well-fed, mom.  Castiel had been in the streets for the past five months.  He doesn’t know who he really is.  He has amnesia.

-That must be very confusing.

-It is.  He thinks he’s alone in the world.

-What about the other angels?

-I never talked to you about what happened to Castiel after the incident in the warehouse.

-I didn’t want to hear anything about that creature anymore.

-I know.  But he went through a lot before and after that day...

 

Bobby was listening to the story that he already knew about the wayward angel and the difficult things he had to go through in exchange for the wellbeing of the entire world and also the sake of his human friends.

A few minutes later, the angels in Bobby’s house decided to leave Castiel under the care of the Winchesters, however, one of the celestials was not agree with this idea.

 

-I refuse to let Castiel with these humans, especially with Dean Winchester. –said a female angel, she was blonde and his blue eyes had a very severe look in them.

-Hester, please. –said Inias, with a pleading voice –This is the best option for Castiel.

-The best option, Inias?! –exclaimed Hester, furious –Are you insane? Epinoia’s attack damaged your brain or what?

-My brain is fine, Hester. –answered the thin angel; he didn’t understand the sarcasm of his sister –And about Castiel, he needs protection and safety. He can’t be with us right now.

- _We_ are his siblings! –growled the beautiful but bitter angel – _We_ can protect him and keep him safe!

-How, Hester? Castiel is almost human, and with those parasites staining his body and his grace he will be sicker every day.  We are running from Raphael and his soldiers, so, we cannot be running and hiding with our brother in such a vulnerable state.

-But we can’t leave him with these people!

 

Dean rolled his eyes and tried to protest, but Sam held his arm and stopped him. 

 

-Let them discuss this, Dean. –whispered the younger Winchester –Inias is in our side.  He will decide the best for Cas.

-The best for Cas is that he stays here with us! –said the blonde hunter, trying not to raise his voice –  He needs us, Sammy! He...!

-Castiel doesn’t need people like you, Winchester! –interrupted Hester, protesting – You ruined our brother’s life and I don’t want you to keep destroying him even more!  Castiel must stay with other people, or we could lock him up in someplace safe and comfortable until we can take him with us.

-Lock him up?! –Protested Dean – He’s not an animal!

-It will be better for him to be locked up than the alternative. –Hester spoke in a mocking tone. –Besides, he wouldn’t be alone.  He would be under the care of a few of our siblings.  He would be safer anywhere but here.

-What’s that suppose to mean? –the blonde hunter looked at the angel with despite.

-Castiel doesn’t need to be close to a _rapist_ such as you!

-Rapist?! –Sam was scandalized, but Dean went silent. –That wasn’t his fault and he didn’t do anything to Cas!

-What the hell is she talking about? –asked Bobby, breaking his own silence.  Hester snorted load.

-It’s about an incident in the barn where Castiel was trapped. –explained Inias, glancing irritated looks to the blonde angel – An angel named Epinoia, a soldier of Raphael, was controlling Dean Winchester’s brain with the intention to make him rape Castiel.

-What?! –Bobby looked at Dean but he just decided to put his eyes on the floor, as if Bobby’s old carpet were the most beautiful and intriguing thing of the entire planet.

-The sexual intercourse didn’t happen. –continued Inias –Winchester only stimulated Castiel’s weak spots with his hands, but besides touching him in a non violent way, nothing else happened.

-But it could happen at any time, Inias! –exclaimed Hester.

-Why are you so sure, sister? –asked the angel with the teen vessel, Samandriel. –Epinoia is not going to be here to control Dean Winchester again.

-That doesn’t matter, Samandriel; I know what’s inside that human’s head. –spat Hester with a disgusted expression on her delicate face.  Then she got close to the human, directing her words to him in a soft mocking voice –He desires Castiel.  He wants him...don’t you, Dean?

 

Sam and Bobby shared looks and then they saw that Dean was making fists with his hands.  They knew the boy was not only furious but also nervous and embarrassed. 

Bobby and Sam always suspected that something else was happening in Dean’s heart concerning Castiel, even when the blonde hunter every day tried to reflect the “macho” look, going after lots of girls with big boobs.  Anyone who’d know Dean Winchester could say he was the role model for heterosexuality.  But that wasn’t entirely right; and Sam knew this more than anyone...

 

_xx_

_Sam was 14 years old and he was walking in the gardens of Newton High School in Fullerton, Nebraska, where his father had left him with his brother because he had another monster hunt in that town._

_The boy was distracted, looking at the plants, when suddenly he saw his sibling hiding behind the farthest and biggest of all trees of the garden.  But young Dean wasn’t alone; a boy was with him.  Both kids didn’t noticed that they were being watched, so Sam got a little closer to them, trying not to make any noise.  He wanted to hear what they were talking about.  It wasn’t that Sam was curious of his brother’s activities; however, the young Winchester was bored in that moment.  There wasn’t any interesting thing to do after all._

_-What was her name again? –asked the thin, blue-eyed kid that was with Dean._

_-I didn’t tell you the name. –Dean huffed at the question, rolling his eyes – Why are you so interested in it, Jerome?_

_-Because I know a few people of Truman High._

_-Did you study in that shitty school too?_

_-Last year. – explained the dark-haired boy – My parents were working on an architecture project in Sioux City.  I had to study there, and I made some friends.  Some of the kids were great, but there were a few douches too._

_-Most of them were dicks, Jerome. –Dean said with despite._

_-So, I bet I know that girl you were dating there. –said Jerome, ignoring Dean’s bitterness._

_-Well... her name was Amanda Heckerling. –Dean said, rolling his eyes._

_-Heckerling? Of course I know her.  She was very popular in Truman High.  Everybody wanted to date her._

_-I suppose so. –the blonde kid said, flatly._

_-So, what happened between you two? Did she found out about “that”?_

_-Hell, no!  No she didn’t.  It was just... well; she wanted me to meet her parents.  So, I started to get away from her, and one day she caught me kissing another girl._

_-You were a dick with her, Dean. –said Jerome as he was shaking his head._

_-I know, baby, I know._

_This was when the thing got weird for Sam.  He just had heard his brother calling “baby” to another boy.  Sam was seriously thinking for one moment that Dean had been abducted by aliens or something._

_But the situation got even weirder when he could see his brother kissing Jerome on the lips.  The kiss was very passionate.  Sam’s jaw almost hit the floor in that moment.  He didn’t know his big brother liked boys as much as he liked girls._

_-Your father knows you’re bisexual, Dean? –asked Jerome after a few minutes of been kissing his friend._

_-You’re kidding, right? –replied Dean, almost laughing –He doesn’t know, and I’m not inclined to tell him that.  Not in a million years._

_-Why not?_

_-I don’t think he would approve it._

_-Is he homophobic?_

_-Actually I don’t know, but I’m afraid he wouldn’t be pleased with me if I tell him the truth._

_-And why is that?_

_-My dad is...well, he’s what many people would consider as a “tough guy”.  I just don’t want to take that risk with him.  Besides, we never talk about that kind of stuff._

_-No?_

_-Nope._

_-Okay, point taken._

_Sam decided to get away from that place in that instant.  He didn’t want to invade his brother’s privacy any longer.  He couldn’t mention to anyone what he had heard about Dean, not even to him.  Sam preferred to keep that to himself.  The little Winchester thought that perhaps someday Dean would be ready to talk about that subject openly, but until then it will remain as a secret._

_xx_

-So, what do you say, Winchester? –asked Hester, with venom in her voice. –Are you going to deny that you desire Castiel’s body? Are you going to deny that you crave for his flesh?

-Fuck you, bitch. –whispered Dean, still with his eyes on the carpet.

-You know it’s true, Winchester. –she said, lowering her voice and invading the hunter’s personal space.  He had his hands curled in fists and his face was flushed with anger and embarrassment –You have been dreaming about it.  You are a very filthy boy in those dreams.  I know what kind of monster you are... Dean.

-Shut your hole, damn it! –said Dean in whispers.  He wanted to yell and attack the angel in front of him; however, his common sense told him that if he did that it would be bad for his wellbeing. 

-In your dreams you touch Castiel in every single part of his body.  You want him in your bed; you want to put your disgusting sex inside that pure creature.  You want to taint him, to destroy his pureness...to destroy him as everything else you have already destroyed!

 

Dean couldn’t take it anymore; he stormed off to the stairs of Bobby’s basement and then he went to the Panic Room.  The hunter sat on the small bed and covered his face with his hands, taking a deep breath.  Dean’s mind was an avalanche of emotions.  He was ashamed because of what he almost did to Cas in that barn; however, he couldn’t control his own body or his own mouth then, and the worst of all is that he remembered everything about it.

Nevertheless, it was also true, even when it was a secret, that he desired Castiel.  He wanted to have the little nerdy angel on his bed, cuddled beside him, with his naked body touching Dean’s flesh... But that couldn’t happen unless Castiel would agree with it, and the hunter was sure that the angel didn’t share the same feelings Dean had for him...and why in the blue hell would he do that?  There was no good fucking reason in the universe that could make an ecclesiastic Angel of the Lord feel love for a human, even less himself.   Dean wasn’t even sure that Castiel could feel and understand love anyway.  It was true that his holy friend had been almost human once; however, that went to hell when Cas disappeared for a whole year after Sam fell to the Cage with Michael and Lucifer.  So, when he saw Cas again after a year of his absence, he noticed that his celestial friend was no longer acting like a human.  He had switched back to his old robo-angel mode again.

And then, Castiel made that stupid deal with Crowley.  Dean’s fury boiled in his chest every time he thought about that.  Why did the angel have to do that deal? Why he didn’t search for his help?  Was it just to become powerful and almighty?  Was the celestial so eager to compete with God’s power?

Dean sincerely doubted that Castiel was any different from his brothers and sisters.  The blonde hunter used to think _“angels are dicks... except for one”_ ; however, he wasn’t so sure anymore.  

Castiel had lied to all of them; he had failed to Sam and Bobby; he had failed to Dean as a friend and as a brother.

All of that was very painful and difficult; nevertheless, Dean was not entirely angered at the holy creature.  The hunter had suffered terribly and silently when Castiel was killed by the fog-like dark things from Purgatory.  Despite the angel’s lies and his betrayal, Dean couldn’t stop feeling something for his winged buddy, and that wasn’t only friendship.  It was something warmer, something pleasant and nice.  Most of the times he was sure it was love; but there were other times when his tick head tried to dismiss that idea.  In those particular times of denial, he didn’t think he could fall in love with a dude; that was simply not something that the super-big boobs-lover Dean Winchester would do.  But the truth was that he was just trying to fool himself. 

Dean was pretty sure and certain of one thing and that was that the angel’s existence in his life had brought new emotions to the blonde hunter, good emotions and also bad ones.  But those feelings were irreplaceable.  Castiel’s friendship was unique to Dean, so he wondered if he ever would be able to fix things with his angel.  Now that Cas was alive again he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

The hunter was so deep into his own thoughts when Inias appeared outside the Panic Room, with the unconscious Castiel in his arms, his naked body wrapped in a sheet again; and the teenager-looking angel called Samandriel was beside them.  Dean got up from the bed so Inias could put Castiel on it.

 

-I apologize for our sister’s behavior, Dean. –said Inias as he entered in the room and put his unconscious brother on the bed.

-Yeah, well; she’s not exactly the first angel with a shitty attitude that I’ve met before. –Dean said, rudely.  Inias preferred to ignore the hunter’s commentary.

-Everything is so strange in these days.  We can’t be running and hiding from Raphael and his people, and dragging Castiel with us.  His grace is deeply and gravely affected, and in that state he is weak, almost human.  The safest place for my younger brother is here.

-You know... I believe... well, I believe you’re right... I guess.  But, I’m curious; why would you think that?   

-Because you’re the Righteous Man, Dean Winchester.  Thanks to you, my brother was able to discover the goodness and compassion that he had inside him.  Not many angels are kind.   Most of us are soldiers, we are used to war, we grew up watching and fighting wars and now we still live in the middle of these conflicts, and when there is no fight in front of us, we spend our time watching everything silently.  But Castiel is different.  You taught him to think for himself.  He is a creature with free will now.  My brothers and sisters do not understand that.  But Castiel thought that our Father wanted us to think for ourselves.   He said that if God told us angels to love human beings, maybe it was because Dad wanted us to be like them.  Hester thinks that is a stupid idea, but I don’t think so.

-What Castiel thinks –said the angel who looked like a kid –is something new for angels.  It was considered as an abominable thought.  However, I do not think in that same way.  I think his ideals are something that we should try to understand.  And I am not going to lie to you, Dean Winchester; there were times when I had the same thoughts as Hester.  I thought you had brainwashed him.  But I was wrong.  I watched Castiel closely, I tried to understand him, and what I saw in him was a creature full of good and pure intentions.  There was a lot of love in his heart.  It wasn’t just me who noticed that.

 

The angels left Bobby’s house before the sunset; however, before leaving, Inias made sure to say goodbye to his sleeping brother and then he asked Dean and his family to take care of Castiel.  The kind angel knew that his poor brother was in good hands with the humans.  He trusted them and he knew they would never hurt Castiel.      

 

 

 **~** ** **~**

_October 19, 2011_

_Early morning_

 

 

The Panic Room’s door was opened, and Dean was standing silently a few steps from the warded place’s entrance.  He could see and hear a little bit of what was happening inside.

Castiel was whining and squirming on his bed.  He had been babbling nonsense in his uneasy sleep as Amelia Novak tried to lower his high body-temperature by putting a piece of cold and wet cloth over the creature’s forehead, armpits, and stomach.  The angel was dressed with a pair of mild-ragged pajama pants but he had no shirt on.  A white sheet was covering his legs.

Suddenly, Castiel opened his tired blue eyes, focusing them on Amelia’s face.

 

 **“ _I want water”_ ** said the ailing angel, with a weak voice, in Enochian. 

-I can’t understand what you’re saying, Castiel. – the woman expressed with gentleness.

**“ _I want water”_ ** repeated Castiel, desperate “ ** _Please, my throat is burning”_**

 

-Speak English, Castiel, please. –said Amelia, and then she noticed that the angel was trying to wet his lips with his tongue, to no avail.  His mouth was completely dry.

-Water. –said her, so she got to the jar with fresh water on the table beside the bed and put some of the liquid in the plastic cup that was beside the jar and took it to the humanized angel.  She helped the weakened celestial to drink the clear fluids by holding the back of his head and passing the water slowly through his lips.

 

-There you go. –said Amelia, with a fondness that even surprised herself, but she decided to ignore that fact for the moment –You can have that for now, Castiel.

****

**_“Thank you”_ **

 

-I wish I could comprehend what you’re saying, angel. –Amelia said, placing the piece of wet cloth over the angel’s neck.  He gasped at the coldness and let a small whimper escape from his mouth – I don’t even know why I am doing this.  I don’t even like you.  Maybe I’m doing this for Jimmy... but I don’t know.

 

Castiel was watching Amelia with half lidded eyes, without saying a word.  She was sure that in the state he was in that moment the angel couldn’t understand what she was saying to him; however, Amelia realized that something about her, something about the look in her eyes was making this creature feel peaceful. She could see it in his warm blue eyes and the light smile on his face.

 

-Claire told me that you did something really stupid a few months ago.  But she also said that you did it for the sake of mankind.  You were battling with a very powerful angel who did a lot of harm to you and killed many of your people.  I never thought your family was so cruel with the members of their own kin.

 

The angel was lazily playing with the edges of his sheet while looked at the woman from time to time.

 

-I wonder if you’re capable of feeling as we humans feel...

 

Castiel slowly lifted one arm, pointing with his index finger to the roof of the Panic Room, where the dark sky was visible through the devil’s trap situated there.  Amelia looked at the roof and then to the angel, who smiled slightly.

 

 ** _“Heaven”_** said Cas, ceremoniously, lowering his hand **_“From the stars and its incandescent light and from the feathers of the Father of all things; the fledglings are born in Heaven.”_**

****

-I’m sorry, Castiel. –said her, shaking her head –  I don’t understand.

 

The angel pointed with his finger to a small and old and wooden blackboard that was under the table and made a sign with his hand to tell Amelia to get it to him.  The woman took the board to the angel as he sat slowly on the bed, and then he started to draw something with a tiny piece of chalk.  He was done in a couple of minutes and he showed his work to Amelia.

****

**_“Stars and its light”_** said Castiel, still in Enochian, pointing to a shining star that he had drawn on the board, and then he signaled a feather that was next to the star **_“The feathers of the Father of all things”_**   And finally, he put his finger on the last drawing of the blackboard, it was a baby without a face, with little wings on its back **_“The fledglings of Heaven”_** said the angel as he was pointing his finger to the roof again, at the dark sky.  Then, he lowered his hand on his stomach.

 

-Is this... is this how angels are made? –asked Amelia, receiving a silent answer and a sad look from Castiel.  He pointed at the sky again.

 

 ** _“Heaven”_** said the creature, taking the board gently from Amelia’s hands and erasing the drawings with the side of his hand, and then he drew a simple house.

 

 ** _“Home”_** expressed Cas, touching the board, and he pointed to the sky again **_“Heaven”_**

 

-That’s your home. –said the woman, almost in a whisper.  Castiel frowned, almost as if he could understand her, and answered by touching his own chest with the palm of his hand and he shook his head.

 

 ** _“No home”_** spoke the weakened holy being, softly and sadly as he erased the drawing and then he stayed still, sitting on the bed, with the board on his lap, looking down **_“I have no home”_**

 

A few minutes passed until Amelia realized that Castiel was falling asleep still sitting on the mattress, lolling his head and body dangerously; so she helped him to lie down, took the board from his hands and covered his exposed body with the sheet.  He was trembling slightly as she was looking at him with pity.

 

Dean was so distracted looking at the scene that he didn’t noticed his little brother’s presence behind him.

 

-Jesus, Dean –said Sam as Dean winced –You’re creepy.  Now you’re a stalker?

-No, Samantha. –replied Dean, rolling his eyes. –I was just watching the door.

-I thought Ms. Novak offered to take care of Cas tonight.

-Well... yeah, but... I was... I was worried.

-About what?

-C’mon, Sam; Cas is very sick and he needs a lot of care.  I wasn’t sure Ms Novak could take care of him as he needs it.

-Claire told me her mom’s a nurse.  She will take good care of Castiel, Dean.

-But she hates him, Sammy. –Dean sounded preoccupied.

-I know she has a grudge against him... but I don’t think she hates him. 

-Sammy...

-Dean, if Ms. Novak hates Cas she wouldn’t have agreed to take care of him.  Besides, I don’t think she would try anything bad against him.  She doesn’t seem like a psycho killer or someone who’d hurt sick people.

-No, I don’t think so. –Dean sighed – But I can’t stop thinking about what happened to that family.  I mean, Cas took Ms. Novak’s husband.  She has all the right to hate him, Sam. 

-That wasn’t Cas’ fault and you know it, Dean.

-I know.  Those heavenly winged monkey dicks are the real ones to blame.  But Ms. Novak doesn’t know that.

-I spoke to Claire.  She said her mom didn’t want to talk about Cas or Jimmy since he disappeared from their lives for the last time.  It was some kind of a forbidden subject in the Novak home.

-And now?

-Well, I heard Claire talking to her mom about Castiel earlier.  The kid knows he isn’t the one to blame for what happened to her dad.

-Well, that’s a relief.  No wonder she had been nice to Cas lately.

-What did she do? –Sam asked, curious.

-She was talking to him...sort of.

-Sort of?

-Cas was speaking in Enochian.  She couldn’t get what he was saying, but he made signs and drew pictures to help her understand him.

-What was he talking about?

-I’m not sure, but I think it was a memory of Heaven or something like that.  Inias said the memories of his past will return to Cas’ head slowly but surely.

 

Sam stared at Dean while he was looking at the stairs of the basement.  The younger Winchester saw that his brother was concerned about the fact that Castiel could regain all his memories soon. The angel would recall all the things he did, including the betrayal against them.  He would also remember about the wall in Sam’s head.  Because Cas tore that wall down, the little Winchester had awful nightmares and hallucinations.  However, the brunette hunter had already forgiven Cas for what he did to him.  Sam was aware of all the bad choices he had made in the past, so, he could relate with the celestial’s pain.

 

The Winchester brothers were distracted from their thoughts when they heard a loud gasp and a pained whimper that came from the Panic Room.

Sam and Dean entered the place and the first thing they saw was the blood on Ms. Novak’s hands. 

 

-He’s bleeding profusely. –said the woman with a terrified whisper, turning around to see Castiel on the bed, whining and squirming weakly.  There was blood coming from his ears, his nose and his mouth, and also his pants were soaked in the carmine fluids.

The angel seemed scared and feverish, his body was trembling, and one of his arms was stretched, with his hand pointing at Dean’s direction.

 

-Please... don’t let... me die a-alone. –The angel’s words, weak and a little guttural because of the blood passing for his throat, were like a punch in the blonde hunter’s face.  He couldn’t think about his grudges and resentment against Castiel when he was in such a vulnerable state.  So, Dean didn’t think it twice, and he knelt beside his old friend and held his hand in his both. 

 

-You’re not gonna fucking die, Cas. –said Dean, trying to keep his voice steady – That’s not gonna happen, you hear me?

 

Castiel gave a tiny nod and then his blue eyes started to get close slowly as his arms and legs were twitching slightly.

 

-Cas, stay with me! –exclaimed Dean, very nervous, shaking the angel’s hand softly –Don’t close your eyes! 

-Oh, my God. –whispered the terrified voice of Amelia Novak as she was watching Castiel’s blood soaking the mattress.  The vital fluid was escaping from the poor creature’s body in great amounts.

-Sammy, what’re we gonna do? –asked the blonde hunter to his younger brother, his voice so desperate and mildly broken.

-He’s bleeding from all the orifices of his body. –said the long-haired Winchester, touching one of Castiel’s pale feet, which was clammy and cold.

-Just like the last time. –Dean felt the nausea running from his stomach to his throat, but he tried to avoid vomiting.  He wanted to be strong; he wanted to do it for his friend, for his angel, for Cas. –He... h-he can’t... he can’t friggin’ die! He j-just can’t!

-But he could die. –said a monotonous voice that came from the entrance of the Panic Room.

Amelia and Sam had identical looks of concern and fear, and Dean seemed between terrified and upset when he saw the man who had spoken.

 

It was Death, the Horseman in person, a familiar and creepy face for the Winchester brothers, and an unknown one for Amelia.  But even when she didn’t know who that man was, she didn’t think he was one of the Care Bears.  She could feel something sinister in the presence of that thin and old individual.

 

-W-what the hell...? –Dean said, fearing the worst.  He squeezed Castiel’s hand tighter.  The angel’s eyes were unfocused and half-closed. –Why... why are you here?

-I am here for the angel. –said Death, flatly –I am going to take care of that problem now.

 

The silence in the Panic Room after Death’s words was deafening.  What could Dean do to save his friend from such a danger?

 

 

**********

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> COMMENTS AND REVIEWS ARE FOOD AND INSPIRATION FOR A WRITER. Please, if you like this story, take a little time to leave your opinion. Your words are very important to me. Thanks a lot!  
> The story will be updated every one or two weeks. If I update late sometimes is because I'm sick. I suffer from Crohn's disease, and that causes me a lot of troubles. But I will do my best effort to update the fanfic in time.  
> Thanks for your understanding.


	9. Ancient Parasites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There is a war coming, Dean; a war that will be started by two of the most ancient creatures of this planet.”

**Chapter 9: Ancient Parasites**

**Author:** Lizaredlion

 **Characters/Pairings:** pre Dean/Castiel, Sam, Bobby, Claire Novak, Amelia Novak, Death, God.

 **Rating:** NC17—M

 **Word Count:** 6471

 **Warnings:** Very light spoilers for Season 5, language, blood, religious themes.

 

**Summary:** _“There is a war coming, Dean; a war that will be started by two of the most ancient creatures of this planet.”_

 

 

****

****

 

 

 **~** O **~**

 

_Bobby’s house_

_October 19, 2011_

_Early morning_

 

There were times when Death thought that he could punch God in the face.  His old friend, the almighty God, was, without a doubt, an interesting company to the Horseman.  However, he was also very annoying sometimes, and that’s why Death felt the urge to punch him.  

“Chuck” as he called himself, was even more annoying when there were problems with his angelic children.  And because of that fact Death was here, in Robert Singer’s house, to help one of Chuck’s brats with his “filth” problem.

Castiel, the little feathery and slippery kid always got in Death’s nerves.  The brat had died three times, but escaped from him only two times, since the reaper was released after Cas’ first death, from the bounds that Lucifer had put him to control him.  Nevertheless, he couldn’t blame the young seraph for it.  After all, Death knew how Cas felt about his own resurrections.  Just a few days before Castiel became “the new god” he thought that his Father made a mistake by bringing him back to life for the second time.  The feathery child once had heard in Dean Winchester’s memories some phrase that said: _“What’s dead should stay dead”_.  Castiel was agreeing with that before going crazy with the Purgatory souls.  He felt so miserable in that time, he felt so alone and hopeless and he had a war on his shoulders, a war that he was losing imminently.  Because of that war and because of the monstrosity that he was about to do in order to try to win that terrible conflict, Castiel thought his existence was a danger for the world. 

Perhaps the little angel was right, and Death couldn’t be more agree with him.  But Chuck didn’t share the same opinion as his son and the reaper.  He thought his youngest seraph deserved to live.    

 

-You’re not gonna take him, Death! –exclaimed Dean, whose voice sounded full of fear, even if he was trying to hide it.

-Who said I’m going to take the winged child? –answered Death, pointing at the angel with his cane.

-Then what... What are you gonna do to him?

-I am here to aid him a bit.

-Why?

-That is none of your business, Dean. 

 

The blonde hunter rubbed his mouth and he was about to protest, but suddenly Bobby and Claire entered in the Panic Room with concerned and scared faces, and at the same time Castiel opened his eyes and noticed the presence of the thin middle-aged man who was staring at him.  Even in his weakened state, the angel recognized the face of that man.  He had been in one of his dreams/memories.

 

_“Please, Cas. I know God.  And you, sir, are no God.”_

 

 

Castiel’s heart was running wild in that moment.  He was scared.  This man... he was the one who was going to...

 

_“All right, put your junk away, both of you.  Look, call him what you want.  Just kill him now!”_

 

 

Dean Winchester had hired this man to kill him. 

For some reason Castiel couldn’t comprehend, Dean didn’t want to kill Castiel with his own hands, and that’s why he had hired this strange assassin who was now standing a few feet from him, staring at Cas with indifference.

 

-He’s going to kill me. –whispered Cas, terrified.  Then, in one motion, Castiel threw himself out of the bed to the opposite side of the people in the room and went to the closed window and started yelling –Get away from me!! Get away from me, all of you!!

-This is really tedious. –said Death with an annoyed tone, watching the spooked creature with upset eyes.

 

Castiel’s clothes were stained with fresh blood, especially his pants, in the front side and in the back side too.  His exposed chest and stomach were also stained with the red fluid that was coming from his ears, nose and mouth.  His bare feet were wet with the blood that was still falling non-stop from the angel’s pants.

 

-Cas, what’s going on?! –exclaimed Dean, fearing the worst for his old friend.  The angel was pounding on the iron of the walls with his fists, hurting his soft hands.

-I said get away from me all of you!! –Castiel ignored Dean’s question as he stared at the blonde Winchester and the thin old man with terrified eyes.

-Cas, what’re you doing? –Dean’s voice sounded desperate.

-Cas... what’re you doing? –parroted Castiel in return after one long minute, his eyes were suddenly unfocused and his voice got lower –Cas... Cas.  Only my best friend called me that.

-Your best friend? –Dean was confused as the rest of the people in the room were, except for Death whose dark and penetrating eyes were looking intently at the celestial’s abdomen.

-My best friend. –repeated Castiel.  His speech was lazy.  The bleeding and weak angel unconsciously started playing with his own hands and fingers –My best friend... his name was Emil.  He was a kid... and he died... he didn’t deserve to die.  Those monsters, they... they just killed him.

-When did this happen, Cas? –Dean kept his voice smooth to not scare the angel more than he already was.

-Not long ago.  It was in the day... the day of the party.  He always... wanted to have fun... like any other kid.  He used to say...that I was like a robot sometimes.  He said... he said that my... my social skills were awful. 

-Cas...

-No one wanted to talk to me at first.  Those people...they have...they have rough lives.  They face...they face terrible dangers every day in the streets...but...but they were afraid of me.  They were...they were afraid of a simple vagabond as me.  I didn’t know...who I was...but... but when I saw that many of the people surrounding me were...were afraid of me, I just...I started to think that...that maybe I was some kind of...of monster.

 

Castiel smiled then, it was a very soft and bright smile, it reflected happiness.

 

-Then I met Emil. –continued the creature, his smile of joy was so bright on his chapped lips – He was...he was a drug-addict.  But he helped me to find a place to stay in those terrible streets.  He used drugs when...when no one was seeing him.  He said...that it was embarrassing, and that’s why... he didn’t want to be seen using them. He even...he even told me that...that I should never use drugs.   And he... he was the one who convinced me that...that I wasn’t a monster.  He said that I was... that I was “socially awkward”, but never a monster.  He even said...that maybe I had... a mental problem.  He said something about...about me being “autistic”.  And then he...he called me “Cas”.  He said “Castiel” was too long... and boring.  He was my friend.  And he’s gone. 

-I’m sorry, Cas...

 

The blonde hunter’s voice triggered something in Cas, whose eyes became focused on Dean’s face, and his voice and face was agitated again.

 

-You wanted to kill me, you hired this man to kill me, and you are not my friend. –Dean flinched at Castiel’s words.  The older Winchester knew exactly what Cas was talking about, and Bobby and Sam knew it too.  Claire was also aware of the subject because of Castiel’s connection with her, but Amelia was lost. 

-Cas, please, calm down. –Sam spoke this time.  Dean’s eyes were on the floor.

-You wanted to kill me! –yelled Castiel again, with his eyes still on Dean. –You wanted me dead! I do not want to be here! I do not remember you! I want to be back at home!

-You don’t have a home, Cas. –said Dean, harshly, in a calmed voice.  Sam, Bobby and the Novak women looked disapprovingly to the blonde hunter but he ignored them.

-Yes, I do. –Castiel lowered his voice again and his eyes became unfocused for the second time.  The angel’s hands were fidgeting as he tilted his head, such gesture so natural in the angel when he was confused, and it was recognized by Dean and Claire.

Dean had seen the celestial doing this movement many times when he couldn’t understand the hunter’s pop culture references or jokes.  And Claire saw Castiel doing it in the night she lost her father, a little after the angel had entered in Jimmy Novak’s body for the first time, when the girl had called Castiel “daddy” thinking that the man standing in front of her was her dad.  

-You told me once that you have no family, Cas. –continued Dean, with the same cruel voice. –If you have no family you have no home either.  You’re homeless.

-Dean! –growled Sam, but his big brother ignored him.  The blonde hunter’s furious eyes were over the angel’s face.

-Family. –said Castiel, whose eyes were looking everywhere, unsteady and wild –Fa-mi-ly.  I think I... had a family...once.

   

Dean was about to make another snarky commentary, but he stopped when Castiel went to him slowly, with no fear in his face.  The angel was smiling softly, looking at nothing and no one in particular inside the Panic Room.

 

-I had a father, Dean. –said Castiel, with a joyful voice and a strange smile on his lips. –He named me.

-What are you...?

-I can show you, Dean. –the angel was still smiling too joyful and awkwardly –You will believe me if I show you, because I know “you don’t believe a word that’s coming from my mouth.”

 

Castiel had put emphasis to that last phrase, and Dean was surprised when he heard it; it was something that he had said to Cas  a few hours before he became “the new god”...

 

_“I had no idea Crowley would take Lisa and Ben.” It was Castiel’s voice in Dean’s head._

_“Yeah right.” Dean replied, sarcastic and offended.  He was in one of the worst moments of his life.  There wasn’t just the pain of Cas’ betrayal, but also the kidnapping of his ex girlfriend Lisa and her teen son Ben, by none other than Crowley, Castiel’s secret ally._

_“You don't believe me.”  said the angel, whose sadness was painful to hear._

_“I don't believe a word that's coming from your mouth.”  answered the equally sad voice of the blonde hunter.  Dean remembered that he was trying to hold his own tears while he was talking to the angel._

 

 

 

-Dean... I am not...I am not lying. –Dean was distracted from his memories, listening to Castiel’s trembling and slow speech. –I am not lying, Sam... Bobby.  I had... I had a home once...

-You should lie down, Cas. –said Bobby, trying to soothe the angel, even when he was upset with him because of his betrayal.

-My daddy... he could have been like... like you, Bobby.  He could have followed your example.

 

Bobby stayed quiet, but the angel’s statement touched him somehow; however, he didn’t show it.

 

-Cas, just shut your trap and go to the fucking bed. –Dean said, losing his little patience.

-I can show you that I had a home, Dean. –Castiel’s eyes focused on Dean again, ignoring the hunter’s aggressive words, and suddenly, the angel invaded Dean’s personal space and held one of the blonde Winchester’s hands with his own. –I just... hope it works.

-Cas...what the hell...?!

 

Dean didn’t have time to say anything else because his vision became very white; it was a blinding, silver light, almost like angelic grace...

 

_And then, Dean wasn’t in the Panic Room anymore.  He was in a garden, a huge and beautiful garden.  There were flowers and roses of many colors.  There were fruit trees and in the floor the grass was green and shining._

_Dean saw a little river and in the other side of it there was something strange.  So, the hunter crossed a wooden bridge that was there and got to the place in question. It was another garden, a rose’s garden.  But these roses were enormous and they had different and unusual colors. Some of them were just buttons, and others were opening or were already opened.  But the weirdest thing of all was that inside every rose was a little humanoid baby.  Those creatures were shining with a beautiful silvered-blue light.  Some of them were asleep, but there were others that were moving their big bright eyes or fluttering their tiny wings._

_Wings_

_-Baby angels. –said Dean in a whisper._

_And then, there was a man.  He was barefoot, dressed with a white toga, but Dean couldn’t see his face because it was blurry.  This man went to one of the big roses, the most beautiful of that entire strange garden.  It was red and recently had opened.  Inside of it there was a baby angel.  The man was looking at the tiny creature, and even when Dean couldn’t see his face, he irradiated feelings that the hunter could perceive.  He felt... love.  It was the love of a parent for its child._

_“My boy”  said the man with the blurry face, with joy in his voice._

_Dean was watching the tiny angel with awe.  The skin of the creature was semi translucent, it shone in different colors like a rainbow, his arms and legs were long and thin, and they looked very fragile and breakable.  Inside the middle of the baby’s trunk there was a small ball of light that looked like fire.  His eyes were big, blue as the sky, and they had no pupils.  Dean watched the baby’s eyes closely and that’s when he noticed the deep look on them.  It was a piercing look, even when it wasn’t directed at him but at the man with the blurry face._

_That piercing look in the eyes..._

_-Cas. –whispered Dean as he got close to the baby._

_The man held the baby angel and cradled him in his arms.  The little creature fluttered his fragile white wings with joy._

_“You are my son.”  said the father of the tiny angel.  The voice sounded intense in Dean’s ears and it was as if the man was talking with a megaphone “You are the last angel created in Heaven. You are a seraph; you will be known as ‘The angel of Thursdays, Travels and New Changes’; and your name is ‘Castiel’.”_

_“Tiny winged thing” said flatly the being that Dean recognized as Death.  He had appeared beside the deity. “Smells like troubles”_

_The baby looked at the reaper and his wings stopped the fluttering and then he contracted them.  The eyes of the newborn angel were intense over the dark ones of the Horseman._

_“You always so negative, D” said God in a tone that sounded a little bit amused._

_“I am realistic, my dear friend.  Children are just a big headache.  You have your problems already with one of them.”_

_“Lucifer”_

_“That brat is the definition of a big headache”_

_“I just hope that someday Lucifer could see that humans are not as bad as he thinks they are”  the man’s voice turned somber._

_“You need a lot of hope, my deity friend.”_

_“I have a lot of hope, D”_

_A little sound between a growl and a whine distracted the two entities then._

_“Your child is upset” said Death, staring at the big blue eyes of the newborn angel._

_“He is just agreeing with me, D.”  replied the deity, with a more cheerful voice. “Castiel has a lot of faith inside that little and fragile essence.”_

_“Let’s just hope that this tiny seraph makes the difference in the future.”_

_“Like I said, I have a lot of hope, Death.  And I believe in Castiel.”_

 

_The blinding white light shone in Dean’s eyes and then the garden disappeared..._

 

 

 

Dean opened his eyes and saw Castiel in front of him, looking at the floor, his blue eyes were dull and his body was trembling.

 

-It... worked. –said Castiel, with a very weak voice –I just...didn’t want to believe...that I had powers.  But now... now I know for sure.

-Cas... –Dean’s voice was almost a whisper.

-And...I told you...I told you I had...a home...once...

 

Castiel collapsed but Dean held his body to avoid the angel the terrible fall on the floor. The blonde hunter took Cas on his arms and carried him (bridal style) to the bed.

 

-It was interesting. –said Death, whose presence had been ignored for the rest of them since Castiel had started to talk about his “home”.

-What? –asked Dean as he removed Castiel’s blood soaked pants and then the hunter covered Cas’ lower body with a sheet.  Amelia got close to the older Winchester to help him taking the angel’s underwear off and then she prepared to clean him up.  With a silent nod, Ms. Novak ensured Dean that she would take care of Cas’ cleaning.  Nevertheless, Dean kept a short distance from the angel.

-The memory that he showed you. –Death spoke as if he was talking to a dumb five-year-old.

-So, it really was a memory?

-Of course it was, Dean.  Castiel was a newborn angel then.  It was a very old memory, and I am surprised that he recalled it, and also I am astounded by the fact that he could show it to you.

-But he’s an angel...

-A very sick angel, Dean, and one with amnesia.  But even when his capacity to use his grace is partially damaged, he was able to use his angelic powers to show you his recovered memory.

 

Death got close to Castiel and he touched the head of the angel with the palm of his hand.  Amelia shuddered at the closeness of the reaper as she cleaned Cas’s face and neck.

 

-His brain is very strong –said the big reaper; his fingers were buried in the angel’s messy dark hair, slowly massaging his scalp as he put his other hand over the ailing creature’s stomach. –; and his grace too. 

-His grace is in his belly? –Asked Dean when he saw the Horseman with his hand in the angel’s abdomen.  Amelia had stopped cleaning Castiel’s neck and didn’t dare to go below it, afraid of the hand of that creepy thin man.

-It’s from his belly button to his ribcage in this human body. –the reaper signaled with his fingers where Cas’ grace was.  However, Death stopped his hand and put one finger inside the umbilicus of the angel.  There was something strange there, even when it was not visible for the human eye.

 

-The Mark of Restrain. –said the reaper, with a curious look in his dark eyes. –This is Raphael’s doing.

-What the hell did he do? –Dean’s fury started to grow by the sound of the archangel’s name.

-He put a mark inside Castiel, under his navel.  This is even more interesting.

-Why? –the hunter asked, exasperated.

-Because the Mark of Restrain seals the grace of an angel completely, avoiding the winged being to use it.

-But Cas used it just a few moments ago for the “memory show”.

-That’s what is interesting, Dean.

 

Castiel moaned in pain as his long fingers fisted in the sheets.  Death took his hand away from the angel’s abdomen, but kept the other on his scalp, continuing the slow massage that he was giving him with his skeletal fingers. 

Amelia resumed the cleaning on Cas’ body, carefully rubbing the washcloth over the trunk of the creature.

 

-When Raphael put the Mark of Restrain on Castiel it harmed him.  This mark doesn’t hurt any angel, but if the angel has the kind of problems this one has inside him, it will cause some more damage in his whole being.  Raphael is ignorant of this particular detail.

-You mean hurting Cas isn’t Raphael’s intention? –asked Sam, who seemed a little shocked, and Bobby was the same; however, Dean didn’t noticed this.  The blonde hunter was distracted thinking about what the reaper had said just recently:

 

_“...but if the angel has the kind of problems this one has inside him, it will cause some more damage in his whole being.”_

 

 

-Raphael plans to keep Castiel alive for certain time, Sam. –said Death to the brunette hunter, clearing his doubt; and also the voice of the elder being brought Dean back from his thoughts –  He plans to keep him locked up, safe and away from any danger.

-But why would that flying dick would want to keep Cas safe? –said Dean, trying to keep himself calmed.

-That I can’t tell you, Dean.  That is something that you have to discover by yourselves.

-You’ve got to be kidding me!

-I am not kidding you. –Death’s glare was enough to keep Dean’s mood on check. –All I am allowed to say is that right now your angel is needed by a few big and dangerous supernatural beings, including his own brother Raphael.  There is a war coming, Dean; a war that will be started by two of the most ancient creatures of this planet.  I believe you have seen a glimpse of them before, Dean.

-Eh...me?

-You and them. –Death signaled with his finger to Bobby and Sam.

-Are you gonna be cryptic again or...?

-The fog-like creatures. –Bobby said, and Death nodded.

-The ones that killed Cas?

-Yes, Dean. –the reaper said while looking at Castiel’s face.  His skeletal fingers were still rubbing the angel’s scalp –They escaped from Purgatory through Castiel’s body and they waited in the shadows until they were strong enough to start making their atrocities.  You will find out about their actions soon.

-And what about Raphael?  Why does he want to keep Cas safe?  What about those other dangerous supernatural beings that want Cas too?

-Figure it out, Dean. –Death’s voice and look in his eyes was very severe –I am here to purge this foolish winged child here, but not to spit information to you. 

 

Castiel moaned again but didn’t wake up.  Amelia finished cleaning the angel as she left him covered to the waist with the sheet Dean had put on his lower body to avoid exposure of his naked body.

 

-I can do so little to alleviate his pain. –said Death, taking Castiel’s rebel hands away from his stomach.  The angel was rubbing his own tummy in an attempt to calm the pain in that part of his body –It is certain that the Mark of Restrain had done some damage in Castiel’s human body and his angelic essence.  I have to stop the bleeding and ease his pain a little at least.

 

The reaper got close to Castiel’s ear then, and he spoke softly to him, in the language of the angels.

 

 ** _-“Castiel, do you remember my voice?”_** Death asked.

****

**_-“Yes... I think so.”_** answered Castiel shyly

****

**_-“I speak to you again, child of the Lord.”_** said the reaper, solemnly ** _“I ask you now to keep yourself calm and do not struggle.  I am going to make some of the pain stop, but to get there you would have to endure more pain.”_**

****

**_-“But... but it hurts so bad.”_** Castiel’s voice was broken.

****

**_-“I know it hurts.”_** Death said, softening his features for just a few seconds.  The hunters in the room noticed this and they were very surprised. ** _“But I also know that you are a very courageous angel.  You can take this, Castiel.”_**

****

**_-“It hurts... it stings so bad... They are... eating my flesh...”_** the angel was getting incoherent now.  **_“They want to eat me...they’re flesh-eaters...they want...they want to eat me...”_**

****

**_-“Keep yourself calm, Castiel”_** said the reaper again, now as an order, in a severe tone.

 

 ** _“Yes...sir.”_** Castiel calmed himself so fast then, as if he was a robot.  His voice sounded broken; however, it wasn’t affected by the stress of the pain.

 

And then the angel didn’t speak again and he whimpered softly instead; nevertheless, his limbs weren’t moving too much now.  He was still squirming, but not that hard as before.  The people in the room thought that the reaper was controlling the angel somehow, commanding him to stay calmed, speaking in Enochian.

 

-What did you just do? –asked Dean, suspicious.

-I ordered him to take the pain and not to struggle. –Death spoke in a monotonous tone, angering the blonde hunter.

-“To take the pain”?! –yelled Dean.  He couldn’t control himself this time – What the fuck do you think he is?! He’s not an animal!

-Even an animal feels pain. –said Sam, also upset.

-I am not saying that he does not feel pain. –Death stated, severely –I am saying that he has to endure that pain because he has no choice.  The bleeding and the pain could kill him in a few hours.  There are other things causing these problems to this winged creature.

-Other things? –asked Dean, licking his lips first.  Finally he was going to know about the “problems” that Death had said Castiel had inside his very being.

-He’s got some sort of parasites in him. –it was Bobby who replied this time, while Death ignored the humans and concentrated in his uneasy patience.

-Parasites? How do you know this?

-I...overheard a conversation. –Bobby confessed, looking at Amelia and her daughter, embarrassed; however, they were not upset with him at all –The girl told her mother about what Castiel is suffering.  I guess she can feel those things too.

-I see. –Dean bit his lower lip nervously –And what kind of thing are those parasites?

-They are ancient creatures. –replied Death as he worked on the ailing angel’s lower abdomen and pelvis.  The reaper’s hands were emitting a pale-yellowish light and this energy was entering slowly through the angel’s pores as he was still whimpering –They are eating certain tissues and fluids from Castiel’s body and also from his angelic essence.

-They are eating him alive?! –exclaimed Dean, scandalized.

-It is a way to put it.  –Death’s voice was flatter than ever.  His eyes were strictly on Castiel. –But they won’t kill him, as long as their numbers don’t grow so much inside this child, just as it had happened now.

-And what makes ‘em grow in numbers? –asked Bobby.

-Extremely stressful situations. –Death answered, while the angel’s cries were getting a little louder; so, the reaper had to whisper something in Enochian in the celestial’s ear to soothe him.  

-So, what can we do to take those friggin’ things out of him?! –asked Dean, ignoring Death’s last statement.

-You can’t do anything, Dean.  Not even an archangel like Raphael could do something about it.

-What about God... or you?

-You know it’s fruitless to put us in that question, don’t you, Dean?

-But it’s...Cas... Cas is God’s son!

-Yes. –Death gave a long puff, looking at Dean’s eyes –So?

-Well...I know. –Dean lowered his eyes and his voice, but his anger was growing faster in his chest –Yeah, I get it. I mean, why would he care anyway? After all he’s the worst fucking deadbeat dad of the world.

-You know what, Dean? –said Death, whose attention went back to the Cas’ body.  His hands were making glow the angel’s stomach. The people in the room couldn’t avoid looking at what the great reaper was doing – Right now I wish he was what you say he is.  That would save me from a lot of troubles.

-What’re you talking about?

-The fate of this child.  He is not supposed to be here.  He is here only because his father loves him too much.  Unfortunately, that love causes pain and discomfort. The pain is for Castiel and for the people that are connected to him, directly or indirectly; and the discomfort is for me.  He has been revived three times.  In the first one I couldn’t do anything because I was locked up, but after I was released from the bounds of Lucifer, I tried to take Castiel with me on the next two times when he was slaughtered, and in those two times his dad had stopped me just before I could send his child away from this plane of existence.  On the first time that I had Castiel on my hands, there was a desire in this angel’s heart to return to life.  He didn’t want to die.  He wanted to go back to help his friends that had been mangled by the Devil brat.

-The day at Stull Cemetery. –whispered Dean to himself, but loud enough for the others to hear it.

-He was so worried about you that he forgot to think what could happen to him and to others if he was revived again. –Death looked at Dean and Bobby just for a moment and then went back to look at Castiel again.  Bobby’s face went red, and Dean had to look to the floor to avoid the reaper’s eyes.

-How do you know that? –asked Dean, knowing that maybe it was a stupid question, but he tried anyway.

-He told me so, Dean.  I communicated with his grace in those two times.  The grace of an angel is what a soul is for a human, and their essence is some sort of a body for them.  The essence of the angels is their very being, their very true and tangible form of light and translucent-multicolored skin. 

>>I am the one in charge of all the dead angels since I was released from Lucifer’s grip.   My mission was to take Cas’ grace with me and passing him to Azrael.

-Azrael? –said Sam, very curious with the information –The angel of death?

-Yes, Sam.  But even when Castiel didn’t want to go with me on the first time, I had to force him to obey me.  I usually don’t do something like that, but Castiel was being really stubborn and he said he wanted to stay to watch over you.  He wanted to stay as a ghost to take care of you.

-A ghost? –asked Bobby – Can angels become ghosts?

-There are no precedents for something like that, but it is possible.  Castiel wanted to condemn himself to a miserable existence, invisible to everyone, ignored by everyone, just so he could take care of you.

 

Everybody went silent in the room.  The only sound that could be heard was the small whimpers of the fragile angel under Death’s hands.

 

-So –continued Death, flatly –, I was about to take Castiel by force when his daddy showed up.  He asked me to give the angel to him because he still had work to do on Earth and also in Heaven.  I knew that was a lost battle to me.  I could argue with my dear old friend for centuries about it and he still would choose to revive his son.  So, I gave him the child, and his dad put him back on trails.  But the second time was a little different.

-The Purgatory souls. –uttered Claire softly to herself. 

-When Castiel died in that warehouse, his father told me to retrieve his child’s grace and his human and angelic form from you before you could put his corpse in the funeral pyre.  I knew that God was planning to put his son back on Earth again.  So, I talked to Cas before taking him to his dad’s side.  He was too weak and he couldn’t move much, but he was able to say a few words.  This time Castiel didn’t want to stay.  He just wanted me to take him away from here.

-He gave up? –Dean’s voice was a mix between anger and sadness.

-If you want to call it that way, well, yes.  He was tired, ashamed, hopeless and scared.  He thought this world would be better without him.  He already had caused a lot of death and destruction, so he thought that his presence here again would only cause many more destructions and lost lives.  Besides, he said he didn’t deserve any other second chance or the forgiveness of his friends.  He said that the only thing that he deserved from you was your hate, and he also said that he wished to be killed by your own hands, Dean.

-Wha...what the hell...?

-Are you surprised, Dean?  After all, you wanted me to kill him.

-But...but that was different! –exclaimed the hunter, very upset – He was crazy, he was gonna destroy the world! But after all that... he was starting to show remorse and that’s why he gave the souls back.  We knew he tried to do the right thing.

-Did you tell him?

-Tell him what?

-That you knew he tried to do the right thing.  Did you tell him that when you had the chance?

 

Dean and Bobby looked at each other at the same time, and Death couldn’t avoid showing an amused smile while his eyes were still on the ailing angelic creature.  The hunters recalled the memory that both shared about that particular subject, one memory that Dean hoped it could disappear from his mind...

 

 

**~/~**

 

_The awful and bloody warehouse, Crowley’s refugee, was being occupied by the Winchesters, Bobby Singer, and their wayward angel.  The last one was in terrible shape.  He seemed in pain, very weak, with his clothes bloodied, and his visible skin sore, burnt and bleeding._

_“Dean”  said the angel, with a soft voice._

_“What, you need something else?” Dean said with coldness in his voice as he prepared the place to make the ritual that would send the Purgatory souls inside the angel’s body to their rightful place._

_“No.  I feel regret –the celestial replied, while Bobby stopped himself in what he was doing to listen to Castiel –... about you and for what I did to Sam”_

_“Yeah, well, you should” –was Dean’s cold answer, not even looking at the angel as he kept clearing a space of one of the walls in the room to paint the sigils for the ritual they were going to perform soon._

_“If there was time, if I was strong enough, I'd... I'd fix him now.” Castiel continued, with his breathing getting difficult “I just wanted to make amends before I die.”_

_“Okay.”  said Dean, stopping what he was doing and looking at the angel with hard eyes._

_“Is it working?” the celestial asked, his eyes hopeless and sad._

_“Does it make you feel better?” asked Dean in return._

_“No.” replied Castiel “You?”_

_“Not a bit.” The hunter expressed, going back to his work, taking his eyes away from the angel._

 

**~/~**

 

 

Back into reality, Dean sensed the bile up his throat and he also felt sadness as he looked at the squirming figure on the bed of the Panic Room.  In that moment, the boy felt as if he was an enormous piece of trash. 

 

-You were watching? –the blonde hunter said, with anger in his green eyes and in his voice.

-Of course I was watching, Dean. –replied Death, who obviously was aware that the question was for him –I was there to collect an angel.

-So, you knew he was going to die...back then when you told us about the new eclipse...you already knew it.

-Castiel was walking in a fatal direction.  The sole ritual to return the souls to Purgatory was enough to kill him.  He only survived it because the other two monsters that got stuck in his entrails wanted him alive to drink fresh and warm angel blood.

-That’s cruel. –whispered Amelia, disgusted by what those monsters had done to the angel, even when the holy creature was not in her good list.

-Those two monarchs are very cruel, madam. –stated Death, solidly. 

 

But Dean wasn’t listening to the big reaper anymore.  He was remembering the anguish in Castiel’s face when he was standing in front of the sigils that would open Purgatory.  The hopelessness and sorrow in his eyes and his words...

 

_“I’m sorry, Dean”_

 

The angel was sincere, Dean couldn’t deny that.  But one stupid and stubborn part of him didn’t want to believe in Castiel’s sincere apology.  That part of him wanted to think that Castiel was never repentant of what he did, and he was only saying those things in the warehouse because he wanted to make them believe that he was a good guy at the end.

 

-If your thoughts could be heard outside of your head the entire city would be awake in this moment. –said Death without looking at the hunter –I don’t understand why some creatures love to complicate their own lives.

-I’m not...

-Yes, Dean; I know. –the big reaper interrupted him –And I know what I am saying too.  You are making a war inside your head.  You want to convince yourself of something that you are not even sure if it is true or not.

-I didn’t do anything wrong! –snapped Dean – It was Cas who screwed up!  He screwed up big time and then he wanted to give up!

-And I am not saying that he didn’t, Dean. –Death said, not impressed a bit for Dean’s rant. –This child made so many stupid things.  He was a pain in my rear because of his actions as a “god” and caused so much destruction on Heaven and on Earth.  However, I’m old enough to know that when something as grave as Castiel’s actions happen, there is always more than one person responsible for it. 

-What do you mean?

-Just analyze that yourself, Dean.  I’m not going to tell you something that you already know.  Dealing with Castiel is trouble enough for me. 

 

The reaper stopped talking and then put his index finger inside Castiel’s navel and made a light pressure in the little hole; but the angel cried out in pain.

 

-What’s wrong with him? –asked Sam, very concerned about his old friend.

-It’s Raphael’s mark. –answered the reaper, alleviating the pressure on Castiel’s umbilicus. –It bothers him.

-Well then, you take that crap out of him! –exclaimed Dean, rudely.

-Your manners have not improved lately, Dean. –said the reaper with a deadly stare to the blonde hunter as he gulped nervously –I believe if you come with me now I could teach you something about respect and politeness. 

>>Just so you know I’m only doing this because the father of this sack of plumes asked me to take care of his severe damages that could kill him in matter of hours.  I would never do this on my own will because I believe that Castiel should be dead long ago.  Even he didn’t want to be back here again; however, I can’t decide anything about this child’s life or death.  That is his daddy’s problem.

-So, God decides to bring Cas back to life but he left a lot of repulsive parasites inside him that are using his entrails as dinner. –Dean said, in a bitter tone –Holy crap, I guess I’ll never understand Cas’ dad or the rest of his family.  So far, his father seems like a sadistic bastard.

-I can’t say anything anymore for now. –Death expressed, covering Castiel’s torso with the sheet that was protecting his legs.  The angel stopped his whimpers and calmed himself completely, falling asleep almost instantly –I have finished the purging. I did what I could for him. Now, I have better things to do, so, I am leaving the sick winged child under your care.   And by the way, next time I hope you have something better to eat in the fridge.

 

Not saying another word, and before Bobby could protest to that last statement, the king of the reapers disappeared from the sight of the people in the Panic Room.

 

 

**********

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> COMMENTS AND REVIEWS ARE FOOD AND INSPIRATION FOR A WRITER. Please, if you like this story, take a little time to leave your opinion. Your words are very important to me. Thanks a lot!  
> The story will be updated every one or two weeks. If I update late sometimes is because I'm sick. I suffer from Crohn's disease, and that causes me a lot of troubles. But I will do my best effort to update the fanfic in time.  
> Thanks for your understanding.


	10. Dreamwalking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It is not complicated to access to the fragile head of a human being and explore its dreams, even for a weakened angel...”

**Chapter 10: Dreamwalking**

**Title:** Dreamwalking

 **Masterpost:** For warnings and general information of the fic:

 **Author:** Lizaredlion

 **Characters/Pairings:** pre Dean/Castiel, Sam, Bobby, Crowley, OC.

 **Rating:** NC17—M

 **Word Count:** 9526

 **Warnings:** Sexual-erotic scenes, language, violence, memories of Hell, images of Heaven.

 

 

 

****

 

**~** O **~**

_Bakersfield, California_

_October 19, 2011_

_Early morning_

Crowley was sitting in a luxurious living room, watching an old Nazi video in a 42” flat screen while he was drinking whiskey.  But suddenly he was interrupted roughly by a skinny blonde man in a black suit.  The guy entered the room without knocking and almost running.

 

-Boss, I got news! –yelled the thin man as Crowley rolled his eyes.

-I’m not deaf, Ronnie. –spat the King of Hell, in a foul mood. –And I hope you bring good news.

-Well...I got good news...but also bad ones. –the demon answered, nervously.

-What’s the good one? –the king of Hell growled, standing from his chair.

-The angel, Castiel.  Yesterday he was in a barn outside Pontiac, in Illinois.

-And?

-There was another angel with him.

-You lot could take one angel in a blink of an eye. –Crowley was furious, but didn’t yell – What in the bloody hell stopped you in defeating that feathery intruder and then capture Castiel?

-This angel was a soldier of the archangel Raphael. Those ones are too powerful.

-And what was Castiel doing with that angel?

-He was a prisoner. 

-I see. –Crowley said, thoughtful about the subject – If Raphael has Castiel alive that means he could be planning an exchange with the ancient ones.  Or maybe if he finds a way to defeat the monarchs, he could keep Castiel and use him as a guinea pig.  I’ve heard Raphie’s right hand is a healer with the brain of a mad scientist.

-The archangel Raphael has a right hand?

-Now he has.  It’s another feathery moron like him.  They say she could be a real bitch when she wants to, and she’s not often close to Raphie. 

-She?

-Well, it’s a lovely female... or at least the vessel, because those sanctimonious pricks don’t have a specific gender.

-But if they want Castiel, they have to find him again, boss.  That’s the bad news.  Castiel was saved by a group of angels...and the Winchesters. 

-Those morons again. –the demon sighed, not surprised by the participation of the hunter brothers in the angel’s rescue. –And what about the angels?

-There were three angels in that rescue.  Hester, Inias and Samandriel. There were also two women in the group; a teen girl and her mother.

-Did you catch their identities?

-They are Claire and Amelia Novak.

-The wife and daughter of Castiel’s vessel. –Crowley’s mood improved considerably –Uhmm, this is interesting.

-And Castiel is still sick, boss. 

-I know that, Ronnie. –Crowley sighed as he looked at the TV screen.

-It’s not just amnesia, boss.  Something is wrong inside that angel.  His grace is like... dirty, I think.

-Just as I imagined it. –said Crowley to himself, ignoring his subordinate. –The Sacred Baby is too pure for the tainted Purgatory souls.

 

Crowley was smiling and his bad mood had disappeared completely.  He took another sip of his whiskey and then sat back in his chair, with a relaxed face.

 

-Do you have news on the latest work of the monarchs? –asked Crowley, with his eyes closed and an idiotic smile.

-Yes, boss.  I got a lot of newspapers from different countries that depict the atrocities that had happened in those lands.  Those things are occurring mostly in forest and in the sea.  It’s happening here in US too.

-You bring me those newspapers and then go to research a little bit more about this.

-What about the angel, my King? –Ronnie asked, shyly.

-Let the angel to me. –the king of Hades said, so sure of himself and with a dangerous look in his eyes –  I will take care of that ball of filthy plumes and his pets.

 

 

 

 **~** O **~**

Dean was walking in a deserted road, in a cloudy day.  There were forests on the two sides of the way, but there were no animals and no people around.

The hunter remembered that he had went to bed wearing pajamas, but here in his dream he was dressed with his usual clothes, but he preferred it that way.

The boy kept walking on the road, until he saw something strange a few meters ahead.  From where he was standing Dean could see that it was a creature curling itself in a ball, and it had a pair of big and dirty wings coming from his back.  The being was wearing a pair of old pajama pants that Dean recognized as his.

 

-Cas? –said Dean, trying to call the winged creature’s attention.  The angel stirred and then slowly opened his eyes, looking at the man who was calling him.

-Dean? –said Castiel in a fragile voice as the hunter got even closer to the angel, kneeling beside the crouching figure.

-Yeah, Cas; it’s me. –Dean was very concerned – What’s goin’ on? What the hell happened to you?

-My wings. –replied the angel, closing his eyes tightly –They hurt too bad.

-They look dirty. –said Dean, trying not to touch the delicate appendages.

-They are. –assured the angel, with a pained expression –The wings are stained.

-Stained by what?

-Parasites.

 

The hunter recalled Death’s words about some sort of parasites running inside Cas’ body.

 

-But you... Death said that whatever crap Raphael put in your belly doesn’t let you use your mojo, Cas.  How are you even here in my dream?

-I don’t need much of my powers to do this, Dean. –the celestial said, with a little bit of pride in his weak voice. –It is not complicated to access to the fragile head of a human being and explore its dreams, even for a weakened angel; and it is even easier to walk in that whole world inside its head if the dream-walker angel shares a bond with that particular human.  

-Sure, Cas –scoffed Dean –Is that why you’re in the floor now?

 

Castiel stayed silent, staring at nothing in particular, with his breath ragged, his body slightly shaking, and trying to drown in his throat the small whimpers of pain, failing miserably in that task.

 

-I’ll take that as a yes. –Dean spoke, watching at the trembling creature with intent and a little upset because of his stubbornness.

 

Dean noticed that Castiel was uneasy; trying to get comfortable in the position his body was laying. 

 

-How bad do they hurt? –asked the blonde Winchester, with a concerned tone.

-My wings?

-Yeah.

-They... they... just hurt.

-I know that, genius –Dean rolled his eyes –; but how bad?

-Bad... I suppose.

-Listen –the hunter took a deep breath, preparing himself to explain something so easy for a human, but so complicated for an angel –; imagine a scale of one to ten.

-What for? –asked the celestial, as he tried to tilt his head on instinct, to show his puzzlement, even when he was on the floor and the movement was very uncomfortable to make.

-Just do it, Cas.

-But it doesn’t make sense, Dean...

-Humor me; please? –Dean tried to be very polite.  He didn’t want to yell at the currently delicate angel in front of him.  The last thing he wanted was to scare the creature.  He had wanted to talk to Cas since he found out that he was alive again and now he wasn’t going to be the idiot who would scare him off.

-O-okay. –Castiel replied, with a bit of hesitance at first, but then decided to obey his human friend.

-Well, imagine that the scale is your pain.  Number one means that it’s a low pain, and number ten means it’s too much.  How’d you describe yours?

-Seven. –the angel said after meditating it for half a minute.

-All right. –Dean was more concerned now.  Seven meant that he was feeling an important amount of pain, even if the angel didn’t want to show it.  After all, the celestial being had learnt everything he knew from him, and hiding the pain was the Winchester’s way.

 

Dean took off his own jacket and put it on the grass besides Castiel’s head.

 

-Lay on your stomach and put your head over the jacket, Cas. –said Dean to the angel, but he just stayed still, looking at the hunter with a blank expression.

-There is no need to do any of that, Dean. –the celestial said, in a flat tone –I can take this pain.

-I know you’re a big boy, Cas, and I know you angels are used to take more than that, but right now you’re not entirely an angel.  You’re almost human, which means those wings must be hurting like a bitch.

-That is not your problem, Dean.  This is my predicament.  Humans should not worry about angel’s problems.

-Huh? –now it was Dean who was puzzled.

-We are **inferior** beings, Dean.  We are inferior to humans.  We are supposed to serve you because that is the task our Father wanted us to do.  We are not supposed to bother you with our plights.

-What the hell are you talkin’ about, man? –Dean was confused as ever with the angel’s statement.

-Exactly what you heard, Dean.  My pain is **my** pain.  **I** am your guardian and I am supposed to be the one concerned about **your** pain.

-What the hell...?

-I made a huge mistake before. –Castiel’s voice was devoid of bitterness or remorse, but it was full of despair.  He felt that despair for himself. – My purpose on Earth was to protect you, to guard you, not to disturb your life by trying to form an emotional link with you and your family.

-Cas...

-I am a tool.  I am not a person and therefore I should not be treated like one.  Since I was born I was trained to be a soldier, a weapon in battles.  Emotions are not suitable for me, because angels were not built to have feelings, but to obey without question.

-You’re not a tool, Cas. –Dean rubbed his eyes.  He seemed tired –Don’t say things like that.

-But I am, Dean. –insisted the angel, stubbornly –We are what we are, and I am an instrument of war...

-Why are you saying all these crap, Cas?! –exclaimed the hunter, annoyed, interrupting the angel.

-Because it’s the truth, Dean. –Cas’ pained face made Dean felt a knot in his throat. –

Attention, care, friendship, all those are things that I cannot have because they are only for humans and animals, **not** for angels.  I misunderstood you.

-Oh, God. –Dean closed his eyes for a moment, and suddenly, the handprint on the hunter’s shoulders started to tickle. –Cas...

-I am sorry, Dean.

-So, this means that you remember all now?

-Not exactly.  You are just talking with the subconscious part of my brain. The subconscious part remembers everything.  But when I am conscious I am the same Castiel with amnesia that you know now.

-I see...  –Dean’s eyes and face were full of sadness –And you...d’you think we’re not your friends?

-It is not of import, Dean. –said the angel, with anguish in his voice –I do not have those feelings anymore.  Do not worry about it.

-Don’t worry abo-? Don’t worry? Really, Cas?! –Dean’s voice got louder and angry –You can’t fool me, you stupid asshole! I know you’re feeling something there! This is hurting you, I know it!

-I am an angel, Dean! –replied Cas, trying to raise his weak voice a little –Angels feel nothing!

-Bullcrap! You feel, Cas! I know it ‘cause I can feel what you’re feeling right now, you stupid angel!

-But, how could you...?

-You left a mark on me, remember? –Dean uncovered his marked shoulder, showing Castiel the clear burn of the celestial’s hand over the human’s skin.  It looked as if it was done yesterday.  The angel opened his eyes wide at the sight. –This is your friggin’ handprint, Cas.  You put your hand on me when you rescued me from the Pit.

-I thought... I didn’t know...

-You didn’t know what? That this thing could connect me to you?

-No... I...I didn’t know that.

-Well, whatever you did with your hand, it seems as if sometimes I can feel your feelings, Cas.  So, you can’t fool me with that “angels don’t feel anything” crap.  You’re in pain and I know it.  You feel... you feel that somehow...

 

Dean stopped for a few seconds, as his face and eyes turned somber and sad.

 

-You think...You think we abandoned you, Cas.

 

Then, Dean was gentle with the angel and placed him on his stomach over the grass, with his head on the jacket that was sprawled on the floor.  The angel turned his head to the side to see the hunter’s face.

 

-Since when do you feel like that, Cas? –asked Dean as the knot in his throat got bigger.

-Never mind, Dean. –the angel tried to dismiss the issue – I told you, this is not...

-Cas, just answer me, dammit!

-I am not... I am not important, Dean!

-Listen to me, you dumb son of a bitch –said Dean, roughly –; maybe you think so little of yourself, but I don’t think the same about you.  D’you hear me? I think you’re important, and if I did something to hurt you I’m sure as hell I wanna know what the fuck it was and also I wanna know when I did such a stupid thing.

-The end of the civil war. –Castiel said in a low whisper, but Dean didn’t miss it.

-The end of the...? Oh, God...

 

Dean could remind the despair in Castiel’s face the day he went to him at Bobby’s property, when he was interrogating some demons to find the whereabouts of his former girlfriend Lisa Braeden and her young son Ben, after Crowley had kidnapped them.

 

_“Stand behind me, the one time I ask.”_

Dean knew that there were very few occasions when Castiel had asked for help to the Winchester brothers, and when he did that it was because he had needed something very important that usually was related to the wellbeing of the Winchester brothers.  However, on that particular time, Castiel was **pleading** to Dean.  He wanted his friends to stand down and let him end the heavenly civil war in his way.  The situation was all kinds of wrong and Dean couldn’t understand why Castiel wanted to fight without the help of his friends, of his **family** on Earth, and instead he chose the help of a demon.

But now Dean was thinking that maybe he had to read between the lines. 

The hunter remembered one particular time when he was beside his then-soulless brother and they were talking to his resurrected grandfather.  Cas was looking at the dark sky, with a very concerned expression.  The angel seemed worn and tired...

**~/~**

_-Sam, Dean... I have to get back. – said Castiel, preoccupied._

_-You're leaving? – replied Dean, sounding annoyed._

_-I'm in the middle of a civil war. –Castiel said, exasperated, trying to make the hunter understand that he was in a big and grave situation.  But Dean couldn’t see the angel’s anguish at that time.  His anger at Cas because the celestial was absent most of the time blinded him._

_-You better tear the attic up, find something to help Sam. – Dean expressed, showing very little concern for Castiel’s matters.  The blonde Winchester thought that he had been the biggest dick in the world at that time._

_-Of course; your problems always come first. – Castiel said, sarcastic and bitter.  That bitterness, a too human behavior, was a sign for Dean that something was troubling the angel really badly, but he didn’t notice it –I'll be in touch._

**~/~**

And then it came the time of judging. 

Castiel was under the eyes of three severe judges who barely let him speak.  He was accused of treason, but he couldn’t explain the entire reason of why he did it.  The judges didn’t care about the traitor’s reasons.

Dean recalled the fear and the surprise that filled Castiel’s face the night when they trapped him in a ring of holy fire.  That scene was all kinds of wrong.  They were supposed to be a family, they were supposed to be four people whose mission was to protect each other, to care for each other; and yet, they had one of their own members of this small family trapped, imprisoned; the angel was under the severe eyes of his three loved ones, waiting for his judgment...

**~/~**

_-How long you’ve been watching us? – said Sam to the trapped celestial, looking pissed at the angel._

_-You know who spies on people, Cas? Spies! – said Dean, who was furious with the guy of the trench coat in front of him._

_-Okay, just wait. – spoke Castiel, nervously, looking at the fire and then at his friends –I don't even know what you mean._

_-What about this demon craphole? – questioned Sam –How is it so, uh...’Next to godliness’ clean in here?_

_-And how exactly did Crowley trick you with the wrong bones? –Bobby said. The older hunter looked serene in the outside, trying to keep a clear head in the situation they were in, but he was also upset on the inside._

_-It's hard to understand. – said Castiel, desperate and avoiding everyone’s eyes –It's hard to explain. Just let me go. Let me out and I can..._

_-You got to look at me, man. – Interrupted Dean, his gaze was determined but also was sad –You got to level with me and tell me what's going on. Look me in the eye and tell me you're not working with Crowley._

_Castiel looked at Dean just for a moment, but then he looked away._

_-You son of a bitch –whispered Dean, with despair and disappointment._

**~/~**

 

That was the moment when Dean’s heart had been broken by his best friend.  He realized the angel had lied to them during almost an entire year. 

However; was there something else behind all that screen of lies and betrayal? Was there something that could justify the things the angel had been doing during all that time? 

Dean was too angered to notice the shades of gray in Castiel’s actions.  There was only black and white, and at that moment the angel that was inside the ring of holy fire was completely black...

**~/~**

_-Let me explain... – said Castiel, with abject eyes, trying to elaborate about that entire heavy burden he had been carrying on his shoulders since the start of the civil war in Heaven._

_-You're in it with him? –Dean’s fury was rising, interrupting the angel.  He didn’t want to hear his excuses –You and Crowley have been going after Purgatory **together**? You have, huh! This whole time!_

_-I did it to protect you! I did it to protect all of you! –the angel’s desperation was reflected in his voice and in his eyes.  He wanted them to listen to him, he was pleading for their understanding, but their eyes were staring at him as if he was a filthy villain._

_-Protect us how? –questioned Sam, doubting every single word the angel was saying –By opening a hole into monster-land?!_

_-He's right, Cas. –reasoned Bobby –One drop got through and it was Eve. And you want to break down the entire dam?_

_-To get the souls. –said Castiel, looking pleadingly at Bobby –I can stop Raphael. Please, you have to trust me!_

_-Trust you?! – protested Sam –How in the hell are we supposed to trust you now?!_

_-I'm still me. I'm still your friend. –the angel said, sounding almost defeated._

**~/~**

Dean could remember that Castiel seemed like he still wanted to be with them.  The angel didn’t look happy for what he had done, but he also didn’t want to lose his friends.  He didn’t want to lose his surrogate family. 

Nevertheless, communication among them was important in a problem as big as that, and they all failed in it, including Castiel.

-Cas, listen; I...

-Stop! –the trembling angel interrupted Dean as he tried to get up.  He succeeded in his task, but his body was lolling –I do not want to talk about this anymore.  You know very well the kind of creature I am.  I am a murderer, a liar, a usurper and a traitor; and this is my penance.

 

Castiel stretched his dirty and ailing wings, making him grunt in pain, and then he fisted a bunch of his own feathers with his right hand and pulled them out violently.  He whimpered softly but didn’t want to scream.  He had to take this pain.  He would feel pain, and he said to himself that every time his body feels as if it was being electrocuted with angelic white light (a pain that he felt a few times a day because of the parasites), he would remember every individual that he murdered when he was usurping his Father’s Kingdom.

Castiel’s plumes were in his fisted right hand as the abused pores in the white and soft skin bled profusely.  His sapphire eyes were on Dean in an almost challenging look.

 

-I sinned. –the angel said, with his voice trembling and tired, but the way he spoke was almost robotic  –Angels are servants.  We are not equals to humans.  We serve them but we do not make any kind of emotional connection with them.  That is a sin, because angels do not have emotions.  Angels were not designed to have emotions but to serve and obey.  I developed emotions, therefore I sinned.  I believed I was your equal and a part of your family, therefore I sinned.   And this is my penance.

 

The disturbed celestial pulled another bunch of feathers with his left hand, drawing blood immediately.  His body was getting more tremors because of the pain.

 

-This pain –continued Castiel in his robotic but weakened tone, still looking at Dean with his electric blue orbs. –is what I deserve...

-So, that’s it?! –asked Dean, yelling with anger and sadness in his voice –You’re just gonna give up?! You’re gonna let go?!  You’re gonna throw our fucking friendship to the garbage?!

-We were never friends, Dean.  That was an illusion that I fed, but it was not real.

-What the fuck are you talking about, man?!

-We were allies in battles, Dean; that is not the same as friendship.

-Is that what you believe? –Dean asked in a whisper, trembling of fury.

-That is what it is, Dean.  It does not matter what I believe.  We were tools in the war against evil and monsters, and we were used when we were needed.  I am a tool, a powerful tool, and you needed me then.  You called and I answered and then I had to do something to help in certain kind of battle against an evil creature.  That was our relationship. 

-What about freedom, Cas?! –yelled Dean, again – Do you remember what you learnt about freedom?!

-Look what ‘freedom’ did to me. –the shaking angel said, with a noticeable bitterness in his voice and in his face.  His pained wings were flapping slowly but furiously – Freedom is a length of rope, and God wants us to hang ourselves with it.  Do not forget about it, Dean.

 

Then, the angel pulled one single plume out of the tip of his left wing.  This particular feather seemed damaged, as if it was burned partially on the top of it and also on the root, including the skin of the wing where an ugly scar was laying.

 

-I believe this is yours. –said Castiel, contemplating the plume on the palm of his hand.

-What is it? –asked Dean, curiously looking at the mangled feather.

-It is from Hell. –replied the holy creature, with a melancholic voice.  Dean stayed silent as his lips formed a thin line and his emerald eyes were on Castiel’s sad face –When I found you in the Pit I tried to take you with me right away.  You deserved to be saved, Dean.  But when I held your soul gently, you rejected me.  You fought against me.  You didn’t want me to touch you.  So, I had to grip you tight to get you out of that place.  However, when I was about to fly with your soul under my care, you attacked me with a piece of burning rod.  It burned part of this feather and a little bit of the skin surrounding it.

-Dammit! –whispered Dean, feeling guilty for the damage in the angel’s plume and wing.

-The fires of Hell are really painful for human souls and for angels.  When I felt the rod touching my essence’s surface I felt a terrible pain and I lost control.   My grip became so strong that I burned you with my hand.  That is why you have my handprint on your shoulder, and that is why I believe this feather is yours.

-Holy fuck...

-I want you to take it. –Castiel ignored Dean’s blasphemy.  His concentration was totally on the charred plume on his palm –Please, Dean.

-Why? –Dean asked, looking at the feather and then at the angel’s face –What am I gonna do with it?

-It will be a memento to recall your rescue from the Pit.  You will need it.

-Why do you assume that?

-Because you’re human.  Humans need to remember loved ones or good times; but also they need to remember bad times and bad people sometimes.  It’s an emotional issue.  Maybe you would want to remember the day when an insignificant servant of Heaven rescued you from Hell, Dean.

 

The blonde hunter stared at the plume as Castiel stretched his arm, offering the burnt object to his friend.  Dean’s eyes were glued over the feather as he remembered a time in his life that used to hunt his dreams every night...

 

**xox**

_The hunter recalled a scalding fire and also an unbearable coldness, the metallic smell of blood, the terrible scents of sulfur, urine, feces, rotten flesh, vomit and dried semen; the sound and sight of chains and hooks, an agonic scream that came from a living and bloody mess of flesh and bones, and a terrifying laugh that he recognized as his own.  And then he reminded a very warm hand gripping his arm, pulling him gently, getting him away from the screaming bloody mess of flesh and bones.  The strange being was talking to him in his mind with a voice that Dean had never heard before.  The voice sounded like the most beautiful and soft singed poetry in the whole universe.  It was soothing, comforting and relieving.  But then, Dean recalled been angered at that voice, and he rejected it.  He saw a large and winged figure made of an incandescent blue-white light, holding his arm with his shining hand.  The creature was looking at him with its intense, big and pupil-less cyan eyes, as Dean felt a warming sensation in his chest.  The creature was communicating its feelings to Dean; it looked at the hunter almost as if it was worshiping that human’s soul.  Dean wanted to laugh at this.  It was really hilarious that a being made of light, as beautiful as a star, could be worshiping him when he was stained with the blood of thousands of victims of his cruel torture sessions._

_It was that same look of reverence that Castiel had for him._

_So, this was Castiel._

_And in one moment, he felt a wicked desire.  He wanted to put this same pure creature on his rack and use a burning rod on his translucent surface of light.  So, he took a rod and pierced the holy skin on the left shoulder of the celestial, earning a screech of pain from his victim.  Dean started to laugh, but his enjoyment was cut short when the injured being screamed harder.  The sound emitting from the creature’s mouth came from his very core.  The bright light inside of him was disturbed and the screams made the grounds in Hell shake.  It sounded as a high-pitched radio wave.  Dean couldn’t understand what the angel was telling him anymore.  The hunter’s ears began to bleed as the noise became unbearable; and then, Dean felt an awful burning sensation and a tighter grip on his left shoulder..._

**xox**

 

-Dean? –Castiel distracted the hunter from his repressed memories.

-Eh... yeah? –Dean was still dumbfounded with the things his mind had been keeping hidden since his rescue from Hell.

-The feather, Dean. –replied the trembling angel, with his arm still stretched, offering his burnt plume. –Take it.

-No. –Dean said after several seconds, taking his eyes away from the feather –No, Cas; I don’t want it.

-Why not? –Castiel looked sad at the hunter’s statement.

-Because if I accept it, I will also be accepting the fact that you want to cut ties with us, with your family here on Earth; and I’m not gonna accept such a thing.  So, no thanks, Cas.

-Oh. –Castiel lowered his eyes to the floor as he fisted his hand with the burnt feather inside of it, and then, the weakened celestial sat on the grass again as the scenario started to get dark –O-okay.  I... I understand, Dean.  I... I am s-sorry...

-Cas?

-Sorry...

-Cas!

 

Everything went completely black, and at the same time, Dean felt something strange inside his very being.  It was a pleasant sensation; almost like the same one he felt when the angel Epinoia had controlled him.  He felt absolute freedom, he felt desire, lust, and hunger of power over somebody else.

In a few more moments, Dean was alone, in a dark room, and in the middle of it was a huge bed where he was sitting.  And then the hunter saw Castiel again, with his wings and trunk exposed, but somehow he seemed different, he seemed scared and insecure but not robotic as he was a few minutes before, nevertheless, he still looked very pale and weak.

Dean watched as the angel shifted nervously.  The hunter was looking at Cas’ body movements intently, fixating his attention on the celestial’s hips.  He could remember the sharpness of Castiel’s hipbones when the angel was been attended by Death and Cas was partially naked.

 

-Come to the bed, Cas – said Dean, making the angel flinch.

-What is this? –asked the confused holy creature –Is this a dream?

-You don’t remember?

-What am I supposed to remember?

-That you can get in other people’s heads.  You are inside mine now, Cas.  You can walk in other people’s dreams.

-So...this is...your dream?

-Hell yeah, baby.  It is. 

-But I do not want to be here.

-Why not?

-This place...is too dark...and...and I am cold.

 

The angel was fidgeting and his eyes reflected pain and fear.  However, not only the eyes were the windows of the holy creature’s soul, because there were his wings.  The movements of the dirty but fluffy appendages were reflecting more about Castiel’s emotional state than any other part of his body.  The angel’s wings were recoiling and his plumes were shaking slightly. 

 

-Take it easy, buddy. –said Dean in a soothing voice –Come here.  I will make you warm.

-How are you going to do that? –asked Castiel, in a weak voice.  Somehow, even when he didn’t know what to expect from this boy, there was something inside his chest, a hunch, which was telling him that the hunter was trustable.  It was true that he had attacked him in that abandoned barn, but that was because the angel Epinoia had controlled the boy’s mind.    

The restless angel made up his mind and then walked to the bed but didn’t sit on it when he got there.  Dean was waiting for the celestial creature, half-sitting half-lying, looking at Castiel with lusty eyes.

 

-You have no idea how beautiful you are angel. –said Dean, in a seductive voice.

-Why does everybody say that I am an angel? –said Castiel, exasperated.

-You’re kidding me, right? –Dean narrowed his eyes at the celestial – You’ve already seen your own wings, Castiel.  What d’you think you have in your back now? Or maybe you believe that you’re a giant dirty bat or something?

-Maybe I am hallucinating.  Probably the wings and you are just the product of my ill brain.  Maybe I am lying sick and feverish in some abandoned house alongside my friends Emil and Jenny.    Maybe I am just dying.  After all, I have been sick since I woke up in that river... but who knows?

 

Castiel lowered his eyes, sad and confused and then spoke again, almost in a whisper.

 

-I am not sure of what is real anymore.

-I know your doubts and your anguish. –said a male voice that wasn’t Dean’s.  Castiel recognized that same voice from another dream, a recent dream, but at that moment he couldn’t remember what was that dream about.

-We know you, Castiel, because we’re inside you. –said a feminine voice, which Dean thought that sounded very creepy.  In it he could hear something disturbing.  It fluctuated from a little girl’s voice to a grown woman’s.  Dean noticed that the male voice had the same eerie tones –We know your desires and your pains.

-You all are just part of my imagination, you know nothing about me and you are not inside me! –the angel snapped.

-You’re wrong, Little Seraph.  We are real and we are in every fiber of your being, in every drop of your blood, in every portion of your grace, in the bright light and the feathers of your Father that formed your angelic essence.  The bugs inside you are our messengers.  Through them we can be in communion with you. 

-If those things are real they are eating me alive! –growled the angel –I can feel them biting my flesh! 

-They need food, Little Seraph. –replied the male voice –  It’s just a small portion of your being what they need.  That will not kill you.

-That doesn’t make me happy. –spat Castiel, bitterly.

-But we want you to be happy, my dear seraph. –said the female voice, sweetly.

-I do not believe you.

-We know what you need to be happy.  You need love, you need care, and you need human touch; the touch of the creature that you love and cherish so much.

-My touch –said Dean, who took Castiel’s wrist and pulled him to the bed softly.  The angel fell with half of his body on the mattress, with his head on Dean’s lap as Cas tucked his wings to be more comfortable.  Then, the hunter caressed the holy creature’s cheek as Castiel closed his eyes.

 

 _“It’s just a dream”_ thought the angel, leaning into Dean’s touch, breathing deeply and smoothly _“I can enjoy this. It’s not real anyway.”_

 

-If you are happy thinking in that way, I won’t contradict you. –Dean said, massaging the angel’s scalp.

-You can hear my thoughts? –Castiel was surprised.

-Never happened before, Cas. –said Dean, who was as shocked as Cas with that fact.

 

Somehow, the hands of the hunter over his head were awaking Castiel’s physical sensibility.  He was starting to get excited as he felt a tingling sensation in his neck that later ran through the chest and then got to his belly where it got warmer and warmer until it was hot enough to travel to his genitals.

 

-I have felt this before. –said Castiel, between gasps. –When you attacked me...when you tried to rape me.

-That wasn’t my fault, and you know it. –replied Dean, apologetically. –I’d never hurt you willingly.  You are important to me, Cas. 

 

Little whimpers were escaping from Castiel’s mouth as Dean put his mouth on the angel’s slender neck, feeling the beating of his heart under his lips.  He also began touching one of the celestial’s nipples, making him gasp when one of Dean’s thumbs caressed the sensitive small tip.

 

-I love this part in you –whispered the hunter, massaging Cas’ pulse point in the neck with his other thumb as he placed the angel completely on his back in the mattress.  Castiel’s wings unfurled and then they were trapped under their owner’s weight.  However, even when the big appendages were restrained, they were fluttering a bit and stretching the feathers, showing Castiel’s current emotional state.

-You said something about my neck that time at the...barn. You said you could hear my blood running through the veins of my neck, you said that you could hear it run as vampires do.

-And it’s the truth, my angel. –affirmed Dean – That day I could also hear your heartbeat.  I don’t know why, but I fucking liked it, baby.

 

Dean was coating the angel’s pale and soft skin of his throat, pushing so lightly his Adam’s apple with his tongue.

With his hands, Dean caressed both nipples of his prey as the delicate skin of the tiny glands puckered and pulled tight; and then, the hunter started kissing, licking and sucking, attacking accurately the erected organs, until the angel was mewling and moaning softly. 

Castiel’s cock twitched slightly at the tender touch as the dark-reddish organ grew slowly, and the heavenly creature experienced pain and a pleasant sensation at the same time.

 

-You know, I could do everything to you. –continued the false Dean, talking in a seductive voice as he did at the beginning –You’re so beautiful, you’re God’s work reflected in flesh and blood. I don’t know if I should suck and lick you until you are so wet and dripping, making you moan and whine.  Or maybe I should stick my tongue in your little virgin hole until you beg me to shove my strong fingers inside your entrails.  I would touch your little sweet spot with my fingers and I’d rub it so gently and then faster, driving you insane and you would scream from overwhelming pleasure.

-Did you... want to do all...all of these things to me before I lost my memory? –asked Castiel, almost breathless.  The touch of the blonde hunter on his body was making him lose control.  With his thumb Dean was massaging Castiel’s mammary glands and with his other hand he was touching the angel’s back, rubbing the vertebras of his spine, one by one.

-Yes, but I was so coward and I never dared to tell you the truth, Cas.

-Why not?

-Because I was afraid I could lose you again... but even when I didn’t tell you anything, I lost you anyway.  I lost you, Cas.

 

Castiel was going to speak, but the hunter touched the base of the angel’s wings and Cas flinched and moaned at the touch.

 

-What was that, Cas? –asked the blonde Winchester, with his breath erratic because of his own arousal.

-The base of my wings...they are very sensitive. –replied the angel.  His breath was also erratic as it was Dean’s. – They are the most sensitive parts of my wings.

-That’s so hot, Cas...

-Why do you say that you lost me? –Castiel questioned Dean, before he could forget about that particular subject –What did I do?

 

Suddenly, Dean’s look became dark and his face was a mask of anger and sadness.

 

-You betrayed me. –said the hunter as Castiel’s face turned red from embarrassment –You worked with a demon behind my back.  A **demon** , Cas.

-I... why would I... Why would I do that?

-Because you wanted power, Cas; because you became power-hungry when you were commanding your army in the war, and you didn’t want to ask me and my family for help.  We were simple humans and we didn’t have what the demon offered to you.

-What did he offer me? –Castiel was feeling miserable in that moment, and even Dean’s continued touches over his skin couldn’t appease the sadness and despair in his heart.

-He offered you the power of the souls. 

-Souls?

-The souls of Purgatory, Cas.  Each soul is like a friggin’ nuclear reactor.  They are very powerful, and if an angel absorbs them into its being, the angel’s powers would be fucking bursting!  We didn’t have that kind of power in our hands, so you didn’t seek for our help and decided to work with the king of Hell instead.

-The king of Hell? –surprise and fear invaded the angel’s eyes and face.

-Yes.  You and he were in cahoots to pop Purgatory and get the millions of souls from that friggin’ place. –Dean’s touch on Castiel became rough as his anger was rising – And you did it, despite of what I told you.  I told you we could have fix that problem, we could have got you out of that fucking partnership with the demon... but you told me that it wasn’t broken.  You were screwed already... and then, you became... a monster.

 

In that instant, Dean fisted a bunch of Castiel’s feathers and squeezed a little, and that move made the angel gasp and tremble. It felt good but it also felt unpleasant.  However, the last statement of the hunter made Castiel lower himself from the pleasure cloud, desperate to know the painful truth about him.

 

-What did I do then? –asked Castiel while Dean was burying his finger between the soft feathers to get to the wings’ skin and muscles.

Castiel moaned and whined, he squirmed and jolted his legs, distracted at the new feelings that his skin was experiencing, but he also couldn’t forget the great pain in his heart, which was making him loose his arousal.

 

-Dean, what did I do? –asked the angel again, getting the hunter’s attention, who looked at the angel’s glassy blue eyes.  Castiel noticed that Dean’s green orbs were full of anger and resentment towards him. 

-You killed people, Cas.  You killed angels.  You became one of the cockroaches that I usually hunt, only that you were bigger.

-You hunt monsters. –Cas said, in a whisper.  His eyes were bright with unshed tears.

-I never wanted it to happen in the way it did, Cas...

 

And then, the sad scene ended in a sudden way.

Castiel’s body went limp and lifeless under Dean.  He saw this and at the same moment he lost the inhibition that he had been feeling since the dream changed from one place to the other...

**~** O **~**

 

Dean woke up abruptly.  He opened his green eyes wide and sat on the bed at the speed of a bullet.  But then he didn’t move.  He was thinking about what he had just experienced in his head, and that was the moment when he realized that his boxers were wet and messy over his hard cock.

 

-Dammit! –he muttered to himself, taking the sheets off of him to see his mess.  He had precum all over his genitals and part of his tights.  He had been really excited. –What the fuck I was doing?

 

Dean abandoned the bed in the blink of an eye, deciding to clean himself to hide the evidence of his wet dream.  In the shower, the hunter was thinking about Castiel and the way he was touching him.  Why did he do that? The blonde Winchester knew that he had some hidden feelings for Cas; however, he wanted to deny them.  Dean was convinced that those feeling were product of his imagination, or maybe some sort of PTSD.  He thought that maybe Sam could know something about it, he was better with that “feelings” crap than him...but he couldn’t say anything to Sammy, oh no.  He didn’t want his brother to know that he had a wet dream with their angel friend who was not only a holy creature of the Lord but he was also inside a male vessel.  That was all kinds of wrong for Dean and nobody needed to know about it.

_“You killed people, Cas.  You killed angels.  You became one of the cockroaches that I hunt, only that you were bigger.”_

 

 

-Why the hell did I tell him that? –asked Dean to himself, regretting the harsh things he had said to the angel –He doesn’t remember jack squat about what happened in that time.  I can’t blame him while he’s amnesic. Geez, Dean, what a dick you are.

 

Dean was thinking about the way he had spoke to the angel in his dream, but he also couldn’t forget about the way he was touching his friend. The hunter noted that his current erection was bothering him so much.  It was painful, and his balls were all blue and tight, desperate to release the seed trapped in them.  So, to get the angel out of his thoughts Dean imagined that he was in bed with some busty Asian girl to jack himself off.    And everything was going fine, until the busty girl transformed in his angel friend Cas, and he was completely naked on the bed, panting and moaning loudly as his wings stretched and recoiled slowly, repeating the motion over and over, and his feathers were trembling slightly.   That sight made Dean going a little faster over the length of his cock, caressing the head with his thumb, and with his other hand rubbed his balls tenderly.

While he was touching himself, Dean imagined that it was the angel’s body that he was touching.  He could see that lithe and pale body twitch and squirm every time his hands made contact with the creature’s skin.  And with that image Dean came, finally getting the release that he needed; however, he didn’t know how to feel after he realized that he had an orgasm with the image of an aroused _angel_ of the Lord whose essence was living inside a _male_ vessel.

What the hell was going on in his genitals?  And what the hell was going on in his heart?  Was he REALLY _in love_ with Cas?  Were this love real and not the product of trauma or of his imagination? 

Dean was desperate to find out the truth that was hidden in his own core.

 

   

  **~** O **~**

Castiel was confused.  In one moment he was so excited and naked in bed with Dean Winchester, and at the next moment he found himself standing in a huge and beautiful garden, still dressed only with his pajama pants.  Several feet away he saw a man in a red sweater flying a kite.

The place looked familiar to the angel, but he couldn’t remember where he had seen it before.  Nevertheless, he thought it was one of the most beautiful places that he had ever seen.  He felt comforted in that place.  His heart was beating with happiness, just as his visible wings were fluttering joyfully, despite of the pain they were in.

He was about to get close to the man with the kite, but a young voice behind him stopped his way.

-Hello, Cas!

-Emil? –asked Castiel without turn around, however, he recognized the boy’s voice.

-Yeah, the great Emil is here, Cas! –said the kid, with a wide smile as the angel turned to look at the kid, who was looking at the angel fondly.  Castiel noticed that his friend was wearing the same clothes he had on the day he was murdered –So, how are you, my dear robotic friend?

-I am... I do not know. –Castiel stuttered, nervously – You... But you are...

-Dead; I know it, Cas. –Emil finished the celestial’s sentence, with tranquility as if he was talking about the weather.

-Yes...  But... But then what...? What are you...?

-I came here because I have to say something to you. –the boy said, his demeanor turning sad so suddenly –Somebody wanted me to give you a message.  It could have been delivered by anyone, but I offered myself to do it.  I wanted to see my friend again.

-Emil...

-I’m proud of you, Cas.  And I gotta say, man, you have a strange family.  I have to recognize that some of them are good people, but there are others who are douches.  I’m here because one of the good guys wants to say something to you.  I think he’s your oldest brother.

-My... my brother?

-I know you’re still confused and doubtful about this entire angel thing; but it’s real, Cas.  The wings on your back speak for themselves.

Castiel took a look at his own feathery appendages as his lips formed a thin line, showing his unhappiness.

-Where are we? –asked the holy creature, putting his sad blue eyes over his friend’s dark orbs.

-This is your home, Castiel. –replied the kid, solemnly.

-I live in a garden? –the angel sounded confused.

-No, you live in Heaven. –Emil clarified the statement –Well... you used to live here at least.

-This is Heaven?

-Yeah.  You see, Heaven is not just one place.  To every soul there’s a different scenario.  Every soul has its Heaven, and it consists in the most favorite place that they had when they were on Earth.  The angels sometimes choose these places as their favorites and they make a home of them.  For example, this garden is your favorite place.  You call it “The eternal Tuesday”.  You choose this place in 1953, when that guy drowned in his bathtub.

-The man with the kite?

-Yes.  He loves this place, and you’re his companion here.

-This place...it’s beautiful.

-Yeah.  You don’t remember it, but your subconscious recognizes it, and you like it.

-And...you live here too, right? You live in Heaven?

-Of course, robo-Cas! If I was downstairs do you believe I’d be here?

-Downstairs?

-Hell.

-I suppose Hell is for bad people, and you weren’t a bad kid.

-Well, I wasn’t a monk either, but I think I earned my place here.

-I’m happy for you. –Castiel was smiling slightly and his friend gave the gesture back.

-Jenny and Carlos would love to see my Heaven... and they would be astounded if they know that you are a full-blooded angel.

-It’s not a great thing, really. –Cas grimaced as he fidgeted and played with the elastic band of his pants.

-I know you’re not glad at this, Cas. –Emil sounded sad –You had a lot of issues as an angel.  But you also have happy memories from it.

-Happy memories? –the angel said, a little exasperated – I sincerely doubt it, Emil.

-Why?

-Because... because I was a bad person in my past. 

-“Bad” is not an accurate word to describe you, man.

-Then what? I know I killed people.  I killed angels too, Emil.  Can you say that I am good after all that?

-You did those things, it’s true –said the boy, with compassion in his voice –; but it’s also true that your actions have an explanation and more than one person responsible for it.

-An... explanation?  What kind of explanation could have something so awful like that?

-You have to find out about it, Cas.  I can’t tell you all.

-It is... as that man with the cane said before...

-Death?

-Yes... him.  He... I heard some bits and pieces of the conversation he was having with the Winchesters while he was...curing me.  He... he didn’t want to tell Dean everything he knows about my problem and what is going to happen in a near future.

-Death is impartial, Cas.  He doesn’t help one side or the other in a conflict.

-But if he is impartial, then why did he try to...? –Castiel stopped.  He was thinking about that memory where Death was called by the Winchesters to kill him.  That was painful, and he didn’t want to take that subject into the conversation with his friend.

-I told you, man. –Emil put a reassuring hand on Castiel’s shoulder –You have to find out about it.

The angel lowered his eyes, looking at the green grass of the garden he used to love in his past.  Somehow, looking at the beauty of that place gave him certain peace in his heart.

-Death... I could recognize him. –spoke the angel, recalling the Horseman’s voice –He... he talked to me, and I knew who he was, just by hearing his voice.

-You can remember that, Cas? –asked Emil, with surprise.

-Should I?

-No, Cas.  That’s a memory of your subconscious.  Death put them there instead of erasing the memories you have of him after you died.

-I died? –Castiel was spooked with that assertion.

-Well, yeah. –the kid said and then he sighed –In fact, you have died three times.

-W-what?

-I know it sounds terrible, but you’re an angel, Cas. 

-I suppose the other angels have been resurrected too at some point, right?

-A few of them have been resurrected, but you were the first one and you have been revived three times, not just once like the others.

-Why me?

-Because God thinks you’re special, Cas.

-How can a murderer like me be so special to God?

-Because God loves you so much, and God chose you, my friend.

-I just... I cannot... I cannot believe this.

-Listen carefully, Cas; I’m here because your oldest brother, the archangel Michael, wants to tell you something.  He wants you to know that he loves you and forgives you for all that you did when you were infected with the souls of Purgatory.   He wants you to know that he believes in you, that he has faith in you.  He said that you are about to face hard times soon.  There will be a lot of obstacles in your way, not only from evil forces, but also emotional obstacles.  You will be seeking the pardon of your loved ones, and in times you will believe that they hate you.  Sometimes you will be treated badly by the person you love, but it’s not because that person hates you, but because that person doesn’t know how to handle emotions very well.  That person could hurt you and you could hurt it too.  But eventually, if you follow your heart, everything will be fine at the end. 

-I... I do not understand...

-One last thing, Cas.  Michael said that you should be careful.  Don’t believe everything you see or hear.  There will be many people against you.  They would want to destroy you.  Some of them would try to destroy your heart.  They would want you to believe their poison to harm your feelings.   Don’t listen to them.  Follow your instincts.  The last thing your brother said was: “Listen to your heart, Little Seraph”

-Seraph...

-You’re a seraph angel, Cas. –Emil smiled fondly – Congratulations, my friend.

-Emil?

-Yeah?

-Can I stay here?

-Well... I don’t think so. –the boy said, with sadness –You have to go back, and I have to go back to my Heaven now too.

-Are you really dead? –Castiel’s voice sounded hopeless and lost –Is this all real?

-Yes.  Everything is real, Cas.

-I wish I could go back... to Chicago.  I wish I could go back to that day when... when that monster killed you, and save you from it.  We would be in another place now, walking on the lonely streets –the angel smiled a little in that moment –Or maybe we could be bugging father Staley in the church.

-Or maybe bugging Jenny because she called you a pervert. –a smile passed the kid’s lips, remembering a past that seemed so far from them now.

-Or hiding Carlos’ stinking drugs that he keeps in his apartment inside a dirty sock.

 

Both friends laughed at that.  They felt happy.  Castiel felt happy, and even when it was just that tiny moment, he still cherished it.

 

-I’m gonna miss you, robo-Cas. –said Emil, turning sad again –I’m gonna miss you so much, buddy.

-Please, take me with you, Emil. –Castiel said in a pleading tone.  His eyes were bright with unshed tears.

-You know I can’t do that, man.

-I do not want to go back to that house.

-You considered that house as your second home in the past, Cas.

-But it’s not anymore, Emil. –insisted Castiel, desperately – Those people hate me.  I saw their eyes.  I just saw a little bit of compassion in the big guy’s eyes, I think his name is Sam; but the other two were looking at me as if I was a dirty rat.  I know they hate me, and they have a good reason to do it, and that is why I should stay here.

-Castiel –the boy said the angel’s full name with a serious tone.  Cas was surprised –Remember your brother’s message.   

 

 

“You will be seeking the pardon of your loved ones, and in times you will believe that they hate you.”

   

-I know... I remember the entire message. – asked Castiel in a defeated voice. –But... what...what do I do now?

-As Michael said, Cas; just follow your heart. –the kid smiled and his image started to get blurry and the garden was disappearing –I have to go.  I know you will make it, Cas.  You’re a brave angel, and a brave man too.

-Thanks, Emil. –Castiel felt his chest tight.  He knew he would never see his friend again –Goodbye kid.

-So long, Cas! –Emil said with a happy and energetic voice, and then he disappeared.

 

The garden turned dark and Castiel saw himself lost.  And then, he knew no more.

**************

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> COMMENTS AND REVIEWS ARE FOOD AND INSPIRATION FOR A WRITER. Please, if you like this story, take a little time to leave your opinion. Your words are very important to me. Thanks a lot!  
> The story will be updated every one or two weeks. If I update late sometimes is because I'm sick. I suffer from Crohn's disease, and that causes me a lot of troubles. But I will do my best effort to update the fanfic in time.  
> Thanks for your understanding.


	11. The Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “In his mind, the angel was haunted for the fact that he had killed thousands of people and angels.”

**Chapter 11: The Monster**

**Title:** The Monster

 **Author:** Lizaredlion

 **Characters/Pairings:** pre Dean/Castiel, Sam, Bobby, Claire Novak, OC.

 **Rating:** NC17—M

 **Word Count:** 6079

 **Warnings:** Language, References to violence.

**Summary:** _“In his mind, the angel was haunted for the fact that he had killed thousands of people and angels.”_

****

 

****

**~** O **~**

_Bobby’s home_

_October 30, 2011_

_Past Noon_

The next days were difficult for the Winchesters and Bobby.  Their problem had a holy name: Castiel. 

One afternoon, the hunters were talking in the kitchen, sitting in the small table.  They were deciding what to do about their wayward former friend.

The angel was a complicated subject.  The three hunters didn’t trust Cas, and they were a little scared of him sometimes.  They were afraid that he could turn mad again and kill them all in their sleep.

But even when the three men thought the angel was untrustworthy, Sam was the only one who believed that the angel deserved at least one last chance to prove that he was one of them.  And sometimes Dean wanted that too.  Deep in his heart he felt something more than just a brotherly love for Castiel.  However, there was also the anger that he felt for the angel because of what he had done with Crowley and the souls and the destruction of Sam’s wall.  All the pain, all the lies, those things stopped Dean in the idea of giving Cas a second chance.  The fact was that the blonde hunter didn’t have a single clue of what to do with Castiel, but sometimes a few ideas were running through his mind about the matter, and the worst problem was that those ideas were never nice and usually scared him to death.

 

-I say we keep him in the Panic Room ‘till he recovers his memory. –said Dean –After that we can decide what to do with him.  Right now he’s just an innocent indigent from Chicago who doesn’t have a clue about how monsters work.

-I don’t think we should keep him locked up. –said Sam as the other two men stared at him –Like Dean said, he’s just an innocent indigent.  He doesn’t know anything; he doesn’t remember what he did.  He’s not the megalomaniac who wanted everyone to kneel before him.  He’s just a poor man from the streets.

-Yeah –said Bobby, sarcastically –, but this “poor man from the streets” knows how to enter in other people’s heads already.  He had discovered how to use certain powers of his.  It’s just matter of time ‘till he remembers everything, and then, we’re screwed.

-He’s right, Sam. –Dean said as he rubbed his chin, nervously –We can’t take a risk with him.  He could turn himself into a dangerous being as he was before.

-Guys, I understand your point, I really do. –said Sam, patiently –You know what Cas did to me, so I should be scared to death of him, but the fact is... I’m not.  You remember what he did before his passing; he returned the souls to Purgatory.  You told me that before his death he said he felt regret.  That’s not something that a monster does...

 

Behind one wall close to the kitchen was Claire Novak, hearing the conversation and hiding her presence from the hunters.

The girl’s mother had left the Singer house to hide in a secret cabin under the care of the family of another hunter recommended by Bobby, three days ago.  Amelia Novak left because she couldn’t stay close to the angel.  It was too hard for her to look at Castiel.  The celestial was a living reminder of Jimmy Novak, the husband she had lost; and she didn’t want to blame Castiel anymore after her daughter told her about the angel’s true intentions concerning the Novak family and also the whole human race.  Nevertheless, sometimes it became too difficult to avoid the sudden annoyance that she could feel towards the angel when she was sad because she missed Jimmy.  So, she decided to go away.  Amelia wanted to take her daughter with her, but the girl was sure that Castiel needed someone to take care of him and she didn’t believe the Winchesters or Bobby were going to do that when they were so upset at him because of the troubles and disgraces the angel had caused in his short stint as the “new god” and a little before that.  But Amelia didn’t want to let her child by herself in the house of a stranger.  However, after a few fights, several tears and furious words and yelling, Amelia let her kid stay in Bobby’s house; nevertheless, she told Claire that she would have to call her every day and three times a day.  Claire accepted.   Since then, the Novak kid had been taking care of Castiel. 

The girl was no fool.  She knew exactly who the angel was and what he had done before he lost his memory.  She knew that he was the instrument for her family’s destruction and for that reason he was wearing her dad’s face as if it was his own.  However, she also knew about the angel’s true intentions.  She was aware that Castiel never wanted to willingly destroy her family.  The angel was under strict orders from the corrupt administration of Heaven when he took her father as a vessel.  And besides that, Jimmy Novak had accepted the angel inside him because he wanted to serve God and Heaven as the devout man that he was; and at the end he received his reward when he finally went to Heaven to spend the eternity in peace.  Also, Claire discovered that her father had a close relationship with the angel.  When the celestial was alone he used to talk to Jimmy through his thoughts.  They spent several hours conversing about many things to kill the time.  Jimmy used to talk about his past, his childhood, his wife and his daughter; and Castiel talked about his days in Heaven as a young angel, the way that he was trained, and he also usually asked Jimmy for help when he was feeling uneasy.  Emotions were something new for the celestial being, so he needed all the help he could get to face that problem.

 

So now Claire was taking care of Castiel, and for that reason on the last few days she had been upset with Bobby and Dean, because she knew that the two hunters were planning to not let the angel out of the Panic Room, as if the celestial was a demon or a monster.

Claire returned with Castiel.  The girl didn’t want to hear the hunters’ same old discussion again.  It wasn’t the first time that the three men talked about what they would do to Castiel and about the “possibility” that the angel would be a megalomaniac murderer when he recovers his memory. 

Another important problem was that the creature’s health was deteriorating again.  On the first couple of days after Death’s curing ritual, his physical state got a little better, he was eliminating a bunch of the ancient parasites that he had through his urine.   His pain was not that unbearable and he had regained a little bit of energy to be able to get up from the bed a few times a day and to go to the bathroom; nevertheless, a short while after that, the angel became depressed when he realized that he wasn’t going to be allowed to leave the Panic Room.  He also could feel the look in the eyes of the three hunters over him.  Sam looked at the celestial with pity; Bobby was suspicious, resentful and fearful, and Dean was angry and sad.  Castiel knew why they looked at him like that and couldn’t blame them for it, but it hurt anyway.  Also, there was the fact that he just knew about his crimes because of the versions that other people could tell him (twisted or not) and also because of those short and confusing memories that he had seen in his dreams.  The angel wanted to know his own side of the problem, he wanted to know what was so crucial that made him decide to willingly work for the king of Hell and then to become a murderer monster.   But Cas also was aware that no matter what would be the reason for his crimes, that situation would still be torturing him by the time he’d discover the truth...or maybe it could be worst.

 

To take care of Castiel’s health, Bobby had called a doctor, who was an old friend of his.  The doctor knew everything about supernatural things because her son and her daughter-in-law were hunters. This woman, who was in her early 50’s, was monitoring Castiel’s physical state closely and visited her angelic patience every day.  She had prescribed some painkillers and sedatives to the celestial, which were helpful when the angel was too restless or in a lot of pain; nevertheless, Dean was the first one to protest about the pills, alleging that they were too strong for the angel’s ailing system, and for that reason he lowered Castiel’s doses in half; however, the blonde Winchester’s real trouble was because he was afraid that his former friend could turn himself into a drug addict as the one he met in that twisted future of the year 2014 that the angel Zachariah had showed to him.

Claire and Cas didn’t know why Dean seemed so adamant in lowering the angel’s medicines, but Sam and Bobby knew.  Nevertheless, when Castiel’s pain made the angel scream during the nights, the elder hunter and the younger Winchester were agreed that the celestial needed to take his full doses.  But Dean was still against the idea, so he took the meds and hid them where nobody could find them.

And that was when everything started to go to hell.  Castiel was constantly in pain and he couldn’t avoid it because the amount of pain meds in his blood was insufficient.  In addition to this, there were those problems about the past actions of the angel, the way the hunters were looking at him, and the fact that they didn’t allow the celestial to be free.  With all these stressful situations, the parasites inside him started to grow in numbers again and Castiel was not able to eliminate them anymore.  His appetite decreased, and in a matter of a few days he stopped eating at all.  He went back to use diapers because he lost all his energy to get up from the bed.

Claire saw Castiel in bed, looking at the iron ceiling with dull eyes.  There was a plate full of food beside the cot.  The angel hadn’t even touched his lunch.  Claire sighed and then she removed the plate from the floor.

 

-What did they say? –asked the very weak voice of the holy creature.

-Who? –the girl said with a grimace on her face.  She didn’t like to talk about the conversations that the three hunters usually had about Cas.

-Them. –the angel replied, turning his cerulean eyes to the girl’s face. –The guys.

-Oh... don’t worry.  It’s the same old bunch of garbage. 

-They are...afraid of me. –assured the angel.

-Yeah... I suppose they are.  What a bunch of cowards.

-No, Claire.  They...they are right.  I am... I am a...

-“I am a monster” –recited the girl, with a huff, as she rolled her eyes –I know, Cas.  You say that same stupid line all the time.

-I say it because...it’s the truth.

-Yeah, right; what a monster you are. –Claire said, sarcastically –You’re so scary that I’m pissing my pants right now.

-You don’t understand...

-You had said that before too.  You should get some new material, Cas.

 

Castiel didn’t answer this time.  He was in no mood for an argument about the kind of _thing_ that he thought he was.   In his mind, the angel was haunted for the fact that he had killed thousands of people and angels.  He didn’t remember anything, but Dean had told him the story in his dream, so it must be true.   The holy creature labeled himself as a murderer, he thought he didn’t deserve the pardon of his old friends; he didn’t deserve forgiveness and redemption.  However, in spite of all that, his subconscious was craving especially for Dean’s approval and forgiveness.  Since the time his body and mind started to act strange every time he could see or think about Dean, Castiel knew that the blonde hunter was not a simple old pal’ from his past.  There was a strong connection between them, and Castiel was convincing himself of this because of the tingling sensation in his heart that he could feel when Dean was close to him.   Then, there was the way they stare at each other in those memories that appeared in the angel’s dreams.  Those intense looks in their eyes spoke volumes about this particular riddle.  There was also the way other people would talk about Dean’s friendship with Cas, even when all of them were negative opinions, such as the ones provided by the creepy voices in his dreams and by the angel Epinoia’s opinion.

 

 

~ O ~

 

 

_Bobby’s home_

_Early evening_

 

Bobby Singer called the doctor that evening because the Winchesters were worried about Castiel’s poor health.

When the doc arrived, Dean, Bobby and Claire were in the Panic Room while Castiel was asleep on the cot.  The holy creature was covered by a thin red sheet, and he was just wearing boxers.  When Castiel had at least a little bit of strength, he walked to the bathroom covering his naked skin with the sheet, as a sign of respect for Claire.  Dean had gave the angel a couple of his old t-shirts, pajama pants, socks, sweaters and boxers; but the celestial refused to wear the clothes without a reason, using only the boxers because he thought that been completely naked when he was under Claire’s care it was a huge disrespect for her.  At first, Dean had asked Castiel nicely to wear the clothes, but the angel didn’t do it, so, the hunter had to be harsh with Cas about it, getting to the point when the anger got the best of Dean and he told very hurtful and insulting things to the angel on those occasions.  _“You’re an insufferable dick, Dean”_ was what Sam had said to his big brother a couple of days back when Bobby informed the younger Winchester that Dean had told Cas that he should try to behave more like a human being and less like an indecent giant pigeon if he wanted to survive in this world.  Nevertheless, Dean’s rude and offensive efforts were in vain, because his angelic former friend was still strong in his stubborn decision of wearing little clothing under the sheets.    

And speaking of Dean, Castiel didn’t even want talk to him.  Actually, he hadn’t talked to the blonde hunter since he had woken up from the dream he had about Heaven and his friend Emil.    

Bobby and Claire were checking the protective sigils in the Panic Room, as Dean had his eyes glued at the sleeping angel, who was being checked by the doctor.

 

-Oh...well. –said the medical professional of dark hair and robust constitution, taking her stethoscope out of Castiel’s stomach, looking at Bobby –I have to say this is getting really difficult, Bob.

-Drop the bomb, Jenny. –said the elder hunter, sighing loudly – What’s wrong with the feathery one?

-What’s wrong? –repeated the middle-aged doctor, who had a concerned look in her dark eyes –Almost everything is wrong with Castiel, Bob.  I have to give you a list of the problems he has now and the ones he could develop in the next few days if he doesn’t change his “diet”.   When was his last meal?

-Yesterday, I think. –said Dean, not very sure.

-Actually it was two days ago, doctor Hanson. –Claire said, looking at Cas’ peaceful face –But he only had a small package of cookies and a very thin slice of cake.

-Why didn’t you tell us that? –asked Dean, with his anger boiling in his chest.

-Because I didn’t know that until this morning.  He hid yesterday’s food in the closet.

-I thought he couldn’t get up from the bed.

-Just on very rare occasions he can get up from the bed; but most of the times, when he doesn’t want to ask for my help, he just drags himself to wherever he wants to go if I’m not there to stop him.  I think that’s what happened yesterday because I noticed that his legs and arms were dirty. 

-Dammit! 

-Well, he’s worse now than the first time I saw him. –said the doctor –Castiel is very malnourished and he’s also dehydrated.  He has to eat, or he’s not going to last long.  I was hearing his stomach too, the place where his...holy grace is.  It doesn’t sound good.

-Hello...doctor Hanson. –Castiel’s weak voice interrupted Jenny –How...have you been?

-Hi, Castiel. –the middle-aged woman smiled fondly at the angel –I’ve been fine.  But I can see that you have some problems.

-I just have...one problem, doctor.

-And what is that, sweetie? –Jenny was very smooth when she talked to the celestial, and she looked at him with worshiping eyes.

 

Castiel put his eyes first on Claire, then on Bobby, who was watching at the angel with an unreadable expression; and then the creature looked at Dean, whose hard green eyes were invaded with exasperation and... was it concern too?

 

-No...It’s nothing, doctor. –Castiel said, trying to dismiss the subject – Forget it. 

-But we can’t forget it. –said Dean’s voice, which sounded like a thunder in the room –You have to tell the doc what’s goin’ on with you, Cas.   What the hell are you think you’re doin’ by hiding the food and not eating it?  Do you wanna get thinner? Are you applying for a beauty contest, Cas?

 

Castiel didn’t answer the sarcastic rant of his old friend.  He just put his eyes on a point of the iron wall in front of him and stayed still, with no intentions to move again.

The doctor made a gesture to Bobby and both went out of the Panic Room, leaving an angered and frustrated Dean inside, with Cas willingly paralyzed on his bed, and Claire alongside the angel.

 

-He needs to eat. –said Dean almost in a whisper, after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence –What the hell is he thinking? Why is he doin’ stupid shit like this?

-Maybe because this is the only thing that he can _actually_ do. –replied Claire as she covered Cas’ chest with his sheet.  The angel was already asleep again and snoring softly.

-What the hell are you sayin’, kid? –Dean’s face was filled with confusion.

-He knows you don’t want to let him out of here.  He can’t do anything because he doesn’t have freedom.  So...I don’t know...sometimes I can perceive a glimpse of his angelic feelings, and right now I can sense something, and I believe he’s just doing the only thing he can do.

-That’s the only thing he can do? –Dean pointed at the sleeping Cas with his index finger.  Sadness was noticeable in the hunter’s voice.

-You see another thing to do here?

-He’s starving himself and getting sicker every day! –snapped Dean.  Claire was not surprised.

-You know...I haven’t been Cas’ friend for as long as you have been, but I’ve noticed that he has _very_ complicated feelings.  I don’t know if you have noticed that in him.  Have you two ever talked about this?

-Girls talk about feelings, kid.

-“And boys talk about beer and tits, blah, blah, blah.” –recited Claire imitating a man’s voice – Yeah, I know, Mr. Winchester.  I’m in high school, not in Kindergarten.

-So...what are you exactly sayin’?

-I’m saying that maybe the answer of all these crap he’s doing is in his heart, in his feelings.  I’m saying that you should do the “girl talk” that you seem to hate so much.

-The “girl talk” is not my thing, young lady.  That’s Sammy’s thing.

-Great! So, tell the other Mr. Winchester to talk to Cas.

-I don’t... I...I don’t want Sammy to be close to Cas. –the statement sounded very painful even for Dean himself.

-What? –Claire was perturbed by the hunter’s words.  She was thinking that the guy was a real dick for that.

-Sam is suffering a lot because of...because of what Cas did to him.  Bobby and I...we...we’re trying to help him with this.  I don’t want...I don’t want Sammy to get worst than he is now because of Cas again.

-Is your brother okay with this decision of yours?

-No.  No, he’s not; but I don’t give a rat’s ass about it.  I know what’s best for him, I’m his older brother.

-Okay.   He’s your brother, he’s sick and maybe you can decide things for him...but Castiel is not your brother.  He has no family here, he is completely alone.  He can decide what to do with his life.  You have no right to have him here locked up as if he was an animal.

-I’m not treating Cas like an animal! –Dean snapped again.  Claire rolled her eyes. –And Cas has a family here, kid.  We are his family.

-Really?  He doesn’t believe it in that way.

-What did he say about it?

-He’s a broken record, Mr. Winchester.  He repeats the same nonsense half of the time, over and over: _“I’m a monster.  I have no family. I have no brothers.  I have no sisters.  I have no friends.  I have no home.”_  

 

Those words sounded in Dean’s head as if it was the same Castiel who had said them in that same instant.  Clearly his friend was sad and depressed.  He felt basically alone in the world.  And even when Dean was still mad at him and had no intention to forgive him any time soon for all the damage and betrayal he had done; he didn’t want Cas to suffer unnecessarily and stupidly, especially if the celestial creature was still amnesic.  He wanted to know the reason why the angel believed he had no family or friends on Earth.  After all, they had been taking care of him since they found out that he was alive, and Dean and Bobby had told Castiel innumerable times that they were his friends before he lost his memory.  In addition to all of those things, Dean had told the celestial a few times that he considered him as if he was his own _brother_ , his own _family_ and also told him that families look out for each other.  What part of all of those true statements was escaping the angel’s comprehension?   

 

~ O ~

 

 

_Bobby’s house_

_Past Midnight_

Castiel’s screams shocked the entire house that night.  The hunters went to the Panic Room to help Claire with the wayward angel. 

 

-Sam, you can’t be here! –said Dean to his brother, who just had entered to the Panic Room.

-Stop being a dick, Dean. –Sam said, with one of his patented “bitch-faces” and then he got close to Castiel to hold his legs.  Dean couldn’t protest again, at least not in the middle of that particular situation.

 

Cas’ temperature was really high and he was trashing on the bed, fighting enemies that were only in his imagination.  Dean, Sam and Bobby were trying to hold him down, but somehow, the depowered angel was getting strength from a leakage that he had managed to make in the powerful mark that Raphael had placed on him to restrain his grace.  Next thing that happened was that the hunters were tossed against the walls of the Panic Room, while the angel was still ignorant of what was really going on because his mind was in another world, where the monsters were trying to rip him apart.

 

- ** _Stop!! Stop, please!_** –yelled Castiel, in Enochian – ** _Don’t hurt them, please! Don’t kill them! Just take me but do not touch them!_**

-Castiel, calm down! –exclaimed Claire, who didn’t dare to get close to the disturbed angel. –Everything is in your head, it’s not real!

- ** _You are tearing me!_** –the angel ignored the kid – ** _You’re biting me! Why are you biting me?! I don’t want you to bite them either!_**

-We have to restrain him, now! –said Dean as he was getting up from the floor –He could escape soon!

-He won’t escape, Dean. –said Sam, who was already standing close to his brother –The sigils won’t let him go.

- ** _Shut up, shut up!_** –Castiel kept yelling in his own language, putting his hands on his ears – ** _That’s not true! I was bad, I made a mistake, they didn’t do anything wrong!_**

_~ / ~_

_Castiel was not aware of the real world.  He was seeing a memory in his dreams._

_The angel was in the middle of a dark cave and he was naked and laying on the floor, with his wings materialized and trying to flutter as many filthy hands full of pus and disgusting mud held the lean and trembling body of the angel down, including the delicate wings.  There were bite wounds all over Castiel’s skin, and some of them were bleeding profusely.  And his wings also had suffered quite badly.  There were a few plumes missing, and the pores-follicles where they were attached to the wings’ skin were bleeding.  But besides the usual red blood, there was also a shining, silvery-blue liquid leaking slightly from the mistreated follicles.  It looked like liquid grace._

_The angel squirmed under the tight grip of those hands over him.  He wanted to escape, to find a relief from all that pain he was feeling, but he couldn’t..._

****

**_“Oh, poor child”_ ** _said a serene and creepy male voice in Castiel’s dream, speaking in the angel’s language **“Poor naïve creature. You tried so hard to be what you thought your so-called best friend Dean wanted you to be, and you failed.  You failed because dear Dean never wanted you to have a mind of your own.  He wanted you to be the perfect little angel, the perfect soldier, the perfect tool to serve him.”**_

_- **NO!** –Castiel screamed while he was kicking and punching the hands that were holding him down – **You’re lying!!  He’s my friend, he cares about me!!**_

**_“He doesn’t care about you, dumb angel_ ** _.”  replied the male voice **“He just cared about your powers.  You were useful to him and that’s why he always used to call you.  He called you because he needed something, but he never called you just to talk or to find out about your wellbeing, and he never did that because who wants to know about a tool’s wellbeing.  Tools are things, objects without feelings, instruments that are useful for certain purposes, but nothing more.  That’s what you are for Dean Winchester.  That’s what you are for those three humans that you consider as your ‘family’.”**_

****

_- **That’s not true.** –growled the angel – **Dean cares about me.  He considers me as a person.  Sam and Bobby too!**_

**_“Don’t be so fool, Castiel.”_ ** _the voice said, with disappointment **“Those people don’t see you as a person.  They convinced you of that and you believed them, but it was a lie.  They don’t like the fact that you are thinking by yourself now.  They don’t like the fact that you have your own ideas.  Tools are not allowed to think, Castiel.  Just look at the way they reacted when they found out of your plans about Purgatory.  Just remember the way Dean looks at you now.  He didn’t want to accept your apology, right?”**_

****

_Castiel didn’t answer this time, but he recalled the moment when he had tried to apologize to Dean in Crowley’s lair.  He had told the hunter that he felt regret for what he had done to him and his brother Sam.   “Yeah, you should.”   was Dean’s rough and cold answer._

_Dean was so angry with Cas that day, but the angel knew that his friend’s feelings were justified._

****

**_“When he found out that you were working with somebody else, he just couldn’t take it.”_ ** _Continued the male voice._

_- **I was working with a demon!** –exclaimed the angel, frustrated._

 

 **_“And the saint Dean Winchester never worked with demons in his life, right Castiel?”_ ** _said the voice, mockingly._

****

- ** _But that was... that was different!_**

 

**_“It wasn’t and you know it.”_ **

 

- ** _He was trying to save his brother!_**

 

 **_“And you were trying to save the world, Castiel.”_ ** _the voice sounded exasperated **“Millions of lives were at stake.  And above all of that, you were trying to save THEM. Those who despise you now, those who you thought that were your family, you were trying to save their petty lives, but they didn’t care.”**_

- ** _That’s not..._**

 

 **_“Do you remember the ring of holy fire that your ‘good friends’ had for you, Castiel?”_ ** _said the voice, whose words stung deep inside the angel’s chest **“Do you remember everything they said to you then? Do you remember that they didn’t give you a chance to explain yourself?”**_

- ** _But... I..._**

**_“My dear angel, your so-called friends didn’t give you a chance to tell them with details about the huge problem that you were facing.  Do you believe those filthy monkeys would be alive now if it wasn’t for your plan of opening Purgatory? Do you believe the world would be still standing now?  The answer is no, my naïve child.”_ **

_Castiel was quiet and thinking about what the voice was saying.  The words were getting into his brain and his heart, hurting him badly._

**_“Yes, my boy”_ ** _said another creepy voice, a female one **“You saved them again, you saved those petty, ungrateful humans; and as a reward they gave you all their despair. They didn’t care about what you had to tell them.  Your problems were not important because you will NEVER be one of them.”**_

_- **But they are my family.** –Castiel said in a whisper._

**_“No, Castiel”_ ** _said the male voice **“They will never be your family.  You are not like them.  You are not the same blood and flesh as them.”**_

_- **That doesn’t matter.  Blood is not everything that matters in a family.**_

**_“They don’t think so, Castiel”_ ** _the voice said, with a chuckle **“They told you that lie, they made you believe it, but it is not real”**_

 

 **_“The creatures that are as powerful as you or us do not have families or loved ones, Castiel.”_ ** _continued the female voice, sounding melancholic **“We are destined to be alone because of our greatness.  Such ants as the Winchester or the old hunter Singer would never understand you because of what you are.  To them, you are just a thing who stole another human being’s body.  They are afraid of what is behind that human flesh that you are wearing.  They are afraid of you, seraph.**_

 

- ** _I... I love... I love Dean._** – _Castiel made a big effort to hold his tears._

****

**_“And does he love you in the same way you do?”_ **

****

- ** _I am not...I am not sure...I know he cares about me..._**

 

 **_“He doesn’t love you, and he doesn’t care about you, dear baby.”_ ** _The voice said making a noncommittal sound._

****

**_“And now you will have to die because it is necessary.”_ ** _said the male voice, sounding as a thunder._

 

- ** _No, I cannot...I cannot die! –_** _exclaimed the angel, desperate **– I have to redeem myself to my family! I have to redeem myself to Dean!**_

****

**_“That’s irrelevant, Castiel.”_ ** _The male voice sounded cruel **“You will have to endure the pain that we will cause to your entire being in a few moments.  We will break your bones and tissues and will drink your blood.”**_

****

**_-No... No!  Don’t do this to me! –_ ** _Castiel’s desperation was growing faster **– I have to stay! Dean needs me! My family needs me!**_

****

**_“We could take a few bites from your ‘family’ too.”_ ** _The voice said, with a chuckle **“Those ungrateful monkeys must be very delicious”**_

 

- ** _Stay away from them! Stay away from my family...! Ahhhhhhh!!!_**

_Castiel wasn’t in the dark cave anymore now.  He was back in Crowley’s lair, screaming in pain and his eyes were glued at his scared friends while they tried to assist him._

_-Oh, my God. –Castiel heard the terrified voice of Bobby –What’s wrong with him?_

_-I don’t know, Bobby. –that was Dean replying, as he tried to put Castiel on his back.  Bobby’s hands and another pair of strong limbs were manhandling him too.  Castiel was scared, he didn’t want to be touched because the pain was horrible every time his body was moved, so he tried to struggle at first, but at the end he was defeated because of his lack of strength._

_-Please… please, make it stop! –Castiel’s pleas escaped from his dry mouth.  The angel was feeling an unbearable pain that was making him wish to be dead –It hurts! It hurts a lot! Please… make it go away... It’s... It’s eating my insides. My... my flesh... It’s eating my flesh._

_As he whimpered, one name was in his brain, in his tongue, in his heart, grace and essence.  The name of his love and devotion, the name of the hunter..._

_“Dean”_

_~ / ~_

 

-Dean!! –back to reality, Castiel’s throat screamed the hunter’s name, pleading for his help.  The blonde Winchester was shocked because of this. –Help me, Dean!!

 

The angel wasn’t on the bed anymore.  He had fell to the floor because of his violent struggles, and his former friends were trying to restrain him.

 

-Hold him tight, you idjit! –exclaimed Bobby’s voice to Dean, taking the oldest Winchester back from his distraction.  The elder hunter had a syringe filled with a transparent liquid in his hand –I don’t want to hurt his veins!  Sam, hold his legs, he’s too strong!

-I’m trying!! –exclaimed Sam, almost failing in his task.

 

In that moment, a couple of strong and fluffy limbs full of dirty and mistreated white plumes materialized in Cas’ back.  The hunters saw the feathery appendages with awe.  Even in the state that they were, the feathers were shining a little bit. 

 

-What the hell?!

-Those are his wings, Bobby! –exclaimed Dean, amazed to see the limbs in the real world.  He had seen them already, but just in his dreams.

-No shit, boy! –Bobby said, sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

-Dean please!  Help me!! DEAN!!! –the angel was screaming with all the strength he could get from his ill body.  He was very desperate.

-Calm down, Cas! –said Sam, who was holding the celestial’s legs and at the same time he was staring Castiel’s wings like an idiot.

-I’m helping you, Cas! –Dean yelled – Just hold still!

-No! You are not helping me in this way! Please Dean...!

 

Castiel was fluttering his wings violently as the feathers hit the men who were holding him on the ground.

 

-Dean, hold him, dammit!! –Bobby yelled, however, in a couple of seconds more the three hunters were flying through the room again, crashing against the iron walls.  Claire Novak hid behind the table besides the cot to protect herself.

 

The angel had stopped screaming as he started to drag his body on the the way out of the Panic Room.  His wings were still flapping, but the movements were less desperate.

 

-Cas...! –said Dean, with his voice hoarse –Cas, what are you doin’?

-We have to catch him, Dean. –Sam suggested, trying to get back on his feet.

-I’ll pick the medicine from the floor. –said Bobby –You two idjits go grab that angel and hold him very tight...

-No... no, please...–the angel stopped dragging himself and then sat on the floor, with his arms up as if he was going to fight –I don’t...I don’t like to be confined! Dean, please...I know that I am a monster, but I do not want to be locked up!  I hate it! 

-Cas look, just go back to bed and we’ll talk about this. –said the blonde hunter, trying to hide his nervousness.  Bobby and Sam were expectant. 

-No! You want to confine me! I do not like confinement, Dean!

-Cas, just calm down. –Dean said as he walked slowly to the angel.  Sam was behind his brother, doing the same.

-I’m sorry, Dean. –whispered Castiel, and then, he focused in a point very deep in his mind and grace, and seconds later, with the sound of a ruffle of wings, he disappeared.

 

-Son of a BITCH! –yelled Dean, looking at the empty space on the floor where the ailing angel had been.

 

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> COMMENTS AND REVIEWS ARE FOOD AND INSPIRATION FOR A WRITER. Please, if you like this story, take a little time to leave your opinion. Your words are very important to me. Thanks a lot!  
> The story will be updated every one or two weeks. If I update late sometimes is because I'm sick. I suffer from Crohn's disease, and that causes me a lot of troubles. But I will do my best effort to update the fanfic in time.  
> Thanks for your understanding.


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